(Yes this all really happened to me, don't worry though, there is more love story on its way I promise.)
Aw, you only have one good review! Well, like always, I shall critique as if this isn’t you. At the end, I will rant and rave about how awful it is that this has happened.
And did I see the word ‘pregnant’ when I scanned this? O.o Oh, dear…
First and second page down first column, third and forth down second.
Highlighted Comments
1. Again, I don’t feel that you should give us a distinct time.
2. Why?
3. Hm…odd tenses. Not really sure how to fix it…Maybe if you ponder on it, you’ll get it? *Feels useless.*
4. Expand!
5. I think it would be less telling as ‘though the air was relatively warm.’
6. He spoke? If so, ignore this. I have a bad memory. O.o
7. I feel like there should be a third thing here…maybe: ‘The man’s face kept jumping into my mind, the sadistic tone of his voice replaying in my head, the ghosts of his fingers cold on my skin.’ (Urgh; I always like the lines I come up with for others better than my own! lol)
8. Maybe ‘but I couldn’t deny it’ after this?
9. Suggestion: His hair fell is sandy blonde waves, and his eyes were a sparkling blue.’ Then the next one can be a new sentence. (I doubt this is what he looked like, but just make it stand on its own. Right now, this part doesn’t make sense.)
10. I’ve completely forgotten where she is. I’d go into what she’s thinking of the world around her. Is she jumping at every man that walks by?
11. I’d ditch this. Don’t start too many sentences with a pronoun.
12. Expand on emotions here. It must be hard not to say anything, but harder to speak. Build up the tension!
13. Expand.
14. Memorize this rule. ;P
15. Suggestion: ‘though it wasn’t.’
16. Expand!
17. Good idea here; very realistic. Just show us more! Where is she? Does she run by anyone? Expand, please!
18. Yay! Wonderful.
19. If it’s present day, wouldn’t it be present tense? If you do switch to present tense (making flashbacks much more clear,) then just put a line here. If not, I’d put ‘X years later’ or something.
20. I’d delete this.
21. Reword, please.
22. I’d ditch this. You’re dialogue was great until here.
23. Show us, please. Make her relaxed, maybe?
24. I’m never going to get over this. L I do think that using present tense in the present time will help a lot, though.
25. Expand; what’s she doing, where is she, etc?
26. Expand! Does she roll her eyes and put down her homework to answer the phone? Does she suddenly perk up at his name?
27. More effect this way.
28. One: show us! Two: build up a bit more.
29. Say ‘A lie’ when you say this earlier, then. Otherwise it’s annoying.
30. Expand! What’s she think of?
31. Show her purse her lips or something, to show her…frustration? Show the emotion.
32. Expand, but not on the puking bit. ;P How’s she feel to be back on a bathroom floor?
33. Too childish sounding. Maybe ‘Wiping my mouth on my sleeve, I got up from the floor and walked out to the kitchen. The smell of dinner made my stomach churn again, and I found myself wishing I was in the bathroom again. I found myself in there a lot these days, although the reason why was too terrifying to speak out loud.’ See how I combined some, giving them different beginners, etc?
34. You’ve hinted before, but this gives it away too much. I’d delete this part.
35. Show us! If she’s so afraid, she’ll hear EVERYTHING. Every tick of the clock, every beat of her heart, everything.
36. Ditch, and tell us what she’s feeling.
37. You really don’t need these tags. Here, I’d add how she became sympathetic (did she?) after ‘asked.’ Maybe ‘she asked, putting her suitcase down and walking over to me, giving me a concerned look.’ Eh, bad example, but you know what I mean. ;P
38. What’s she feeling?
39. Expand!
40. Don’t suddenly switch like this. Tell us that her mom left for a pregnancy test, and show us that she couldn’t stop crying.
41. Expand! (The part where she comes home, not the teaching how to use it. ;P)
42. When’d he show up? Wouldn’t she be in the bathroom?
43. Here’s where you can say how she said it.
44. Good ending!
Overall Comments
I go into so much detail with you above, this really isn’t needed. Just work on giving the characters more depth. WHY do her parents respond this way? And details – you need details. Lot’s of them. She’s in shock/grieving, so show us this! She’ll notice everything around her.
Also, you don’t always need tags after dialogue. ;P
Personal Comments
WOW. I had to force myself to forget that this was real in the middle of this. That’s the thing, though. This is such a sensitive topic, when we see it, our own experiences make us feel the pain. The writing isn’t. I know how hard it is to write this, and I’m proud of you for putting this up. Just try to edit it, forgetting that it really happened. It’ll help.
*Hugs* I don’t know what to say, but I’m SO sorry. PM me whenever you want to talk. I can’t believe this…
I just felt awful that all the other reviews (except ‘lianna’s) were just ‘I’m sorry this happened,’ so I went into depth. If you don’t want this, let me know and I’ll stop. ;P
PM me with any questions, if you’d like to talk, or if you want more reviews!
~JFW1415
Points: 2999
Reviews: 438
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