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Young Writers Society



A Simple Mistake: Chapter Two

by OverEasy


Author Note: I should let everyone know that even though this is posted in the Romance forum, it is not just a romantic story line. If you are looking for mushy love scene after mushy love scene you have certainly come to the wrong place. However I didn’t see this fitting into any other category, so here it is. :D

Chapter Two

I slung my bag over my shoulder, pulling my long hair into a ponytail in the top of my head. I called goodbye to everyone in the kitchen and dragged myself out the door. The rest of my day had gone without a hitch, there were no other problems, and for a few moments here and there I had even allowed myself to forget my brain fart from that morning. For a few moments at least…

I climbed into my car, and rolled then engine over. My car, like the rest of my life, was nothing extraordinary. It was a small two door Mazda that ran when it felt like running. Often times I would walk to work just to avoid the hassle, but that morning I had already been running behind and driving became my only option. I pulled out of the lot and into midday traffic, annoyed with the way the day had gone already.

I sighed as I pulled into my lot; of course there were no parking spaces today. And then I frowned when I noticed that there was a police cruiser parked where I normally did. I pulled off on the side of the road and jogged into the building. There were two officers standing in the lobby, trying to calm a very angry Briant.

Briant was a 78 year old man that lived in the apartment next to mine; I had met him shortly after moving into town, and had since then grown very close to the old coot.

I watched him swing his cane wide, “get ‘way from me.” He bellowed.

I laughed and rolled my eyes at him, I started to walk forward but one of the police officers tried to stop me. “He seems to be dangerous ma’am; we need you to take a step back.”

“I’ve got it.” I told them with a wave of my hand. “Briant!” I yelled. “What do you think you’re doing old man?”

He immediately dropped his cane back down and came walking over to me, savoring his right leg. “They want to take me to the hospital.” He grunted.

Fear started to slowly creep its way through me. “Why?”

“Oh it’s nothin’, I had a fall on the stairs.” He muttered, waving his hand. “I keep tellin’ ‘em that they need to put in one of those box things.”

“An elevator?” I asked with a quiet giggle.

“Yeah! One of them. I’m fine though Nessa, don’t you worry your pretty little head. It’ll give you frown lines.” He told me in all seriousness.

“How about this, if you go to the hospital with them, I’ll come with you. How does that sound?” I asked, taking him by the arm and starting to steer him out the door.

“Oh alright, I’ll go.”

We made our way out to the parking lot and I turned to the officers. “Do you mind if I drive him?” I asked.

Both of them glanced between us for a moment before shaking their heads. “He’s all yours.” One of them told me.

I took Briant to the hospital where they x-rayed him and discovered that indeed nothing was wrong. He’d have a rather large bruise, and should stay off his feet until it healed, but he was going to be fine. I smiled in fondness at his antics as he struggled out the door, muttering about how he’d told me so. I couldn’t describe the relief I felt, Briant was… very important to me.

We drove home together, and I helped him up the stairs and into his apartment. He wobbled over to his “comfy chair” and sat down, propping both legs up. “You’re too good to me, little lady, if I were 60 years younger…” He said with a wolfish grin.

I gently smacked him on the back of the head. “None of that now, I am going to go get some dinner. Just give me a ring if you need anything.” I told him, kissing the spot I’d just smacked.

“Oh I won’t need anything.” He grumbled.

I closed the door to his apartment, locking it behind me, and placing his spare key in the little hiding place on top of the door. Finally I opened the door to my own apartment and collapsed onto the couch, and before I knew it, I fell asleep.


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Sun Dec 21, 2008 6:37 pm
Adnamarine wrote a review...



I think it's wonderful that I don't know where this is going! It's completely unpredictable. That's great! If I knew exactly what was coming, how it would end, etc., I wouldn't find this half so interesting.



Now, darling, I must make a mention of your punctuation. In general, it's immaculate. Then along comes some evil dialogue and ruins everything! *scolds dialogue; dialogue sticks out tongue*
*cough* But, it's not hard to control your dialogue, if you know and remember the rules. So, here are a couple very simple examples.

WRONG: "I've finished taping polka dots to the bumblebees." She said, and danced away.

RIGHT! "I've finished taping polka dots to the bumblebees," she said, and danced away.

Notice that the words outside the quotations marks describe the words, therefore the comma (inside the quotation marks).



The first paragraph of this chapter, I feel like you're just throwing it in as quickly as possible to get the connection between chapters out of the way, and all at once. When I first started reading, though, I wasn't sure if this was the same day, what kitchen she was talking about, and whether she was leaving home to go to work, or leaving work to go home. It was cleared up pretty quickly, some things, but you don't want that hesitation.
I'd just put in a simple sentence that fills the time gap, and then scatter small mentions of her day throughout the early paragraphs before the Briant incident.

But this is getting very interesting!!!! Can't wait for more! (as well you know;) )




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Wed Dec 17, 2008 7:11 pm
JFW1415 wrote a review...



The promised critique!

Once again, I'm ignoring grammar/spelling. But I will leave you a link on dialogue punctuation – read it, learn it, love it.

*In Sing-Song-y Voice* Yoooouuuu Ru-ushed!

*Ahem* Well, please excuse that childish moment right there… :)
But you did rush! Slow down, hon, and back up a bit. What's going on around her? Are people watching the cops? Is it dark in his apartment? Focus on the big things – set the stage for us so we know what we should be seeing.

And focus on the characters a bit more. Let them talk more, show us their actions. I forget where I heard it, but I once was told that 58% of our language is body language, and 37% is paralanguage (tone of voice.) That leaves only 7% for actual words, yet you mainly focus on the actual words. Use the rest, too. :)

Stretch it out and let us get to know the characters and the story.

Oh, and work on lengthening your paragraphs a bit. A lot of these should be combined – especially in the last chapter. Stop using the short paragraphs so much. ;)

No Connection

I was saying this last time, but I guess I'll repeat it. Your story doesn’t seem to have much connecting it all together. It's just a bunch of snippets that do go together, but not smoothly. Give it something that makes it fit. Continue a scene from one chapter to the next. Chapters are just that – chapters – not new stories.

PM me for anything at all!

~JFW1415




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Wed Dec 17, 2008 12:12 am
OverEasy says...



Everyone is complaining that they don't know where I am going with this, perhaps it is just me, but if you knew where I was going after the first few chapters, I would have failed you as a writer ;)




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Wed Dec 17, 2008 12:03 am
twilightxd wrote a review...



I really like this one and the first chapter, but like everyone else I'm don't see where your going. You need to write more. I really like the characters in this. especially your neighbor.

The only thing I noticed is that in the end of your dialogues you need a comma instead of a period, question mark, or exclamation point only when you say who said it afterwards because "he/she said." isn't a complete sentence. You need the duologue with it.

Keep writing I can't wait until the next chapter comes out. :D :wink:




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Sat Dec 13, 2008 5:02 am
pshhxhoney wrote a review...



I read you first chapter and it was amazing! This chapter is even better!

I'm dieing to know where you are going to take this. It's driving me crazy!

Well, there are a few mistakes, but if you read your story you will find them. Your character is really sweet and is funny sometimes. I really love that old man you added. Reminds me of the old man from the move "The Holiday" I also love Ben (nickname from now on for me haha). The chracters are really explanded!

I really love this and can't wait to read more! Please PM when you write more




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Sat Dec 13, 2008 2:27 am
Writing for love is a pas wrote a review...



Aww! You MC is so sweet! :D

I love it. I am curious though to where you are going with this. You left it open for many possibilities...ah, anyways, wonderful. I didn't know how you were going to out-do your first chapter, but I see that you did it easily. 8)

Anyways, Awesome job!! :D 8) :D





It's like being in love, discovering your best friend.
— Elizabeth Wein, Code Name Verity