Look at us , we're having fun
Throw some bricks on our hollow heads , a ton
We will lose time and again
The Otzmatron will strike us: amen.
The time for pretense and lies is fading
Soldier on: meaningless lives and mating
I'll gobsmack your pitiful selves
Inspired by transcendent elves
Are you prepared, ready for war ?
You lose: then come back for more
Allow me to laugh and mock your motivation
You stand no chance against the sensation
Whiskey and cigars are on the table,
I am ready, willing and able
Wait, wait :What's that you say ?
Oh sorry I forgot , Your brain is in disarray.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Well, I think that was good. I don't know if you care, but personally, I like a perfect sense of rhythm in my poetry. I would switch a couple of inconsequential words around to achieve that. It was very well written besides that minor note. (honestly I had to think about something to say.)
This was pretty good, I like what you're saying, but I have to agree with AoD that the rhyme was forced in a lot of places. You might already know this, but poetry doesn't have to rhyme, it just has to flow right.
I don't know what it is about the 'throw' here but it really 'throws' me off. Something in the transition from the n to the th sound. Also the second line is much too long to follow the first. So you're going to strike 'them' down? With what?
No real crits here. Gobsmack is kind of a funny word, but it works.
There's probably a better word for what the subjects don't stand a chance against than sensation. Remember, it doesn't have to rhyme.
Another awkward last line. Does it mean disarray as in 'splattered on the floor' or disarray as in 'brainfart'? The "Oh sorry I forgot" sounds really snarky and sarcastic, so it interrupts the flow.
Overall, I kind of liked the ideas in it, but honestly there was very little imagery and it seems like something you could have made up in a very short amount of time. The rhyme scheme just isn't helping, and neither are the casual affects of voice. The big issue I have with this is that it was so vague... the reader doesn't know who 'they' or 'we' are, and the poem has an airy effect, like cotton candy. I think you should really put in some effort to strive for clarity instead of letting big pronouns obscure your ideas.
Sorry if this review was a little harsh, but I just wasn't impressed. ^^;
Hey there Otzmatron!
Welcome to YWS, I'm Angel of Death but please, call me Angel.
Well anyways, before I give you a critique, I must say that you are very consistent and I can tell that when you rhyme, they're perfect but when writing dramatic poetry, you really don't want to focus too much on rhyming but the feelings and message you're trying to get across. Other than that, you have talent but I would like to see this not so constricted, you know?
Ta,
~Angel