z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Castellum Chapter 2

by JustJasper


When they got outside Sarah grabbed Persephone

"Why didn't you agree with me?" She asked with irritation creeping into her voice.

"we need to think about this Sarah, we don't even know these men. I also want to tell mom and dad before we run off to who knows where." Persephone argued as they entered the square, it hadn't been long since they entered the building but most of the people had left once their children came out. Empty the square seemed too big, every step echoed on the cobblestone ground. A bird landed on the ground and began pecking at some crumbs that had no doubt been left behind by the bakers children. The only people left were the girls parents who stood leaning against a wall talking quietly together. 

When they saw Persephone and Sarah they rushed over and pulled them into a hug. The four began to stroll home, Sarah explained what had happened leaving out the part about Persephone's magic but Persephone refused to speak to her parents. How could they have kept this a secret from her? All these years she had been living in fear that someone would find out about her visions and there had always been a group of people that could help her. She knew she didn't need to be afraid of having powers any more, but that didn't mean that she was ready to blindly follow a group of strangers into a world she knew nothing about. At least not without finding out what her parents knew. She also wanted to find out about her uncle. Persephone knew she would have to talk to her parents soon but first wanted to be sure of what she would say to them. When the family made it back to their house Persephone returned the unused money she had brought to its hiding spot in her pillow case. When she finished she joined her parents and Sarah to prepare lunch. 

An uncomfortable silence draped the room as they worked and Persephone's mother kept glancing at her girls hoping to catch their eye but Persephone kept her head down thinking intently about what had just happened at the square. Eventually she concluded that she could forgive her parents for not telling her because before today she had thought that those men would kill her. But before she made a decision about going with them she wanted to know more. When they had finished making soup baking the bread they would eat for lunch the family gathered around the large wooden table in the next room and began to eat. Sarah fidgeted in her chair and Persephone knew she would explode with excitement if someone didn't start talking about magic soon. She sat calmly and tried to think of a good way to ask her parents. She put down her spoon and was about to talk when Sarah yelped and quickly slid her chair away from the table. The bowl of soup was now a solid mass and her spoon had a layer of frost on it. The two adults exchanged a knowing glance and invited Sarah back to the table.

"You are really excited!" Her dad said his big brown eyes softening "yeah Persephone and I have magic dad!" Sarah practically shouted "both of you" her dad said turning towards Persephone, his face lined with concern "well what can you do?" Their mother spoke up a huge smile growing on her face. Persephone looked at her soup anxiety rising in her chest as she felt a familiar pressure on her head. Before she could even think about what to do it was too late. 

She suddenly found herself in a bright sunny room full of windows. She sat in a huge arm chair and across from her sat the blue haired boy from earlier. He was dressed casually in shorts and a red t-shirt and seemed fine not at all like the version Blake saw. He smiled at her and started talking, Persephone had to listen closely to understand what he was saying, his voice seemed very far away. "You are one of the only people who has ever understood me here. Most people just avoid me but you are different you didn't even ask me what I could do. Thank you!" Tears streamed down his cheeks as he wrapped her into a hug she began crying as well without comprehending why and he held her tighter. He smelled like smoke and pine needles and she continued to hold him even as he started to singe her clothes. When the heat got too intense she gently pulled away as the boy erupted into flames setting his chair on fire. Before she knew what she was doing Persephone had put out the boy with some water from across the room, drenched and now calm the boy looked at her apologetically. Just as quickly as the vision came it disappeared leaving only more questions in her mind, as she focused back on the present she realized that she was levitating the water from the pitcher on the table with her parents fixated on the water they hadn't seemed to notice the vision.

"Wow honey that's great!" Praised her mother, "we are so proud of you both" the girls father added. That was the moment Persephone lost it "you lied to us for years you can't just suddenly turn around and say you're proud!!!" She yelled, the water flew across the room splattering against the wall as Persephone fumed "I thought I was evil! I thought if I said anything about the visions that haunt me I would be shunned or killed!" Sarah stood up and put a hand on Persephone's shoulder but the action did nothing to stop her sisters ranting. "All this time you could have helped me, told me that I wasn't a freak!" Her parents sat there shocked at her outburst, the girls mother didn't skip a beat before Persephone could blink she was being hugged by her mom. She felt the rage seep out of her slowly and began to cry on her mothers shoulder. They stayed entwined like that for what felt like centuries, finally Persephone stopped crying and was calm.

Everyone sat back down around the table and began eating again as Persephone's mother attempted to explain why she hadn't told the girls anything about magic. "I am so sorry honey! We didn't know if you would even have magic so we thought it best to just live a normal life until you were tested. That way if you didn't have magic you wouldn't need to be burdened with the knowledge. I see now that this was a mistake and I see why you didn't come to me about your visions. Can you forgive us?" Everything was said with such sincerity that Persephone felt extremely guilty for screaming at her parents. "Of course I can mom you only wanted what was best for me and you couldn't have helped me because I didn't tell you. Sorry I freaked out just now." Persephone said quickly eager to know what else her parents could tell her. "Do you know who performed the test?" Her dad asked "a boy named Timothy Blake" Sarah answered still looking at Persephone "was anyone else there?" He asked again "only Abinor and some guy called Minestorm" Persephone said passively waiting for some more information. When the words left her mouth both adults sat up straighter and leaned forward attentively.

"Did you say Minestorm?" Their mother breathed, Sarah and Persephone exchanged a look of surprise and nodded. "He is your uncle" she explained before standing up and walking out of the room. When she returned she was holding a large leather bound book that looked like it had been read thousands of times. The spine was starting to crack and the pages were bent and crinkled. Persephone could tell it was also a book that was loved because it had been repaired and the cover was brand new while the rest was older. Persephone had always loved books even though she was not able to own very many. She loved her job as the scribe for the council because she was given access to the records room where most of the books in town were kept, but she found it strange she had never seen this book before. Her mother gently set it on the table and opened it to a page with a sketch of Minestorm. He looked much younger and was standing with his hand stretched out. "My father hated magic and those associated with it from the beginning because my mother was killed by a sorcerer so when my brother tested positive for magic..." her story trailed off into silence "this is all I have left of him, he left with those men and never returned. Not that it would have been safe for him if he had."

"You can see him tomorrow mom! Then we can go with him and you can be reunited." Sarah said bursting with excitement "if we go" Persephone added she still wanted to hear her parents opinions before she decided anything. "I think it is important that you go so you can learn to use your powers. I know how terrible my brother felt when he couldn't control himself and I don't want you girls to have to feel that way." Persephone looked down at her hands "your mom is right you two have to go. Don't worry we will come with you." Her father announced "but what about your shop and school?" Persephone asked "the shop will have to wait until we get you two settled. As for your school the place you are going is called Castellum and it is a school. You will be trained to use your powers and trained in your career." He clarified smiling, "You both are okay with going right?" He asked looking slightly worried, Sarah turned to Persephone and looked at her expectantly "yes I want to go" Persephone said reluctantly, "then you both better get packing!" Their mother exclaimed closing the book and returning it to the other room. 

Both girls quickly finished their food and hurried back to their room. Packing didn't take very long, Persephone didn't own a lot of clothing and the only tough decisions she had to make were about what books she could squeeze into her cloth laundry bag. When she was done packing she had managed to fit all five books, Sarah however was having trouble simply deciding which of her bracelets she could take since mom had prevented her from taking all of them. Ever since Sarah had learned how to make bracelets there were always at least twenty scattered around the house and often many more on her wrists or in the girls room. "Put some in my bag" Persephone whispered holding the bag open. "Thanks" Sarah whispered back dumping in the majority of the ones she hadn't packed. Once they finished packing Persephone excused herself and walked out of the house. She walked around the back of her small home and into the woods. Following the familiar worn down trail she made her way toward the huge weeping willow to meet Michael. She kicked at the ground in frustration.

"What's wrong?" Michael called from his perch in the tree. "Scared I will climb faster?" He asked grinning, Persephone rolled her eyes and slumped against the tree. Quietly Michael climbed down so he was laying on his stomach on the branch above her. Lazily he hung his arms down trying to poke her head. Annoyed she jumped up into the tree and began to climb.

"Hey wait up!" Michael shouted up to her.

Persephone stopped and sat on a branch with her back to the tree. Michael swung onto the branch shaking it as he landed and sat facing her with his hands gripping the branch for balance.

"I have to leave Michael" she whispered.

"What? Why?" He asked, the usual grin disappearing from his face.

"I keep seeing things. Horrible things. Everything I see comes true Michael." She choked out. She brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.

He moved closer and put a hand on her knee.

"There are people who can help me control these visions. You know I hate this place sometimes but I really don't want to leave." She continued,

"When do you leave?" He asked somberly.

"Tomorrow morning" Persephone muttered.

"Do you know how to stop these visions?" He asked again.

"There is one thing you must understand about me Michael if we are going to continue to be friends." She began slowly, "I am a sorceress" she breathed.

Putting her head in her hands she waited for a response. Wiping her eyes she looked up. Michael just sat there quietly, Persephone raised an eyebrow.

"Are you alright?" She asked hesitantly. Hot tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Persephone Devan Hawley! I you really think that our friendship means so little to me that you being a sorceress makes a difference..." He trailed off.

She wiped the warm tears away with the back of her hand and leaned forward.

"I practically have no choice but to go." She said sadly, "my visions are much worse now so I need to be able to control them."

Michael nodded and dropped his shoulders. Frowning he turned to Persephone "if this is your last day in town then we need to make it count!" He grinned and pulled Persephone to her feet leaning against the tree. The pair locked eyes and began a mad scramble to climb back to the ground. Michael made faces at Persephone trying to catch her gaze hoping to make her slow down. Looking over at him to see her progress Persephone had to fight not to explode with laughter. Finally the two dropped from the tree landing on the ground in unison. Bursting into laughter they leaned against the tree trying to calm down. With stars shining in their eyes the two friends walked hand in hand back down the trail. Instead of turning back toward Persephone's house they strolled across a field onto Michael's father's farm.

"Tell me everything you know about your powers." Michael exploded, blushing he looked down at his feet "I'm sorry I just have never experienced magic before." He apologized quickly. Smiling Persephone began to explain her visions. They were both so caught up in their conversation that they almost didn't see Timothy Blake walking towards Michael's house. When they saw him they dropped to the ground and curiously watched him approach the door. Persephone scampered a little closer and hid behind a large bush. Michael stood up and despite angry looks from Persephone made his way across the dirt road to Timothy Blake.

"Hello sir how may I help you?" Michael asked,

"Are you Michael Fairaway?" He said referencing a scrap of paper he pulled from his pocket.

"Yes" Michael said impatiently,

"I am Timothy Blake it's a pleasure to meet you" Timothy said shaking Michael's hand "I am here to perform a quick test and then I will be out of your hair."

Michael glanced back at the spot Persephone was hiding. His expression softened and he winked. Turning back to Timothy Blake he was instructed to touch the black stone just as Persephone had told him that she had. Hesitantly he curled his fingers around the rock then released it back into Timothy's hand. The rock didn't change color as it did for Persephone, however a single line of blue light appeared on the stone. Michael dropped his shoulders and stared at the stone stunned.

"What just happened?" He asked carefully,

"Quite simple really" Timothy responded gingerly placing the stone back into his pocket.

Timothy spun on his heel and began to stroll away.

"Wait a minute" Michael called

"What does any of this mean?"

"It means that you are relatively normal."

Timothy responded without looking back. When he had disappeared down the road Persephone ran over from behind the tree. Michael gave her a small smile and ran his hands back through his hair. Persephone grinned and grabbed his hand.

"So what do you think of that" she commented

"I don't know it is a lot to process" Michael said quickly, his rough voice breaking slightly.

Persephone's smile disappeared like a setting sun.

"I don't want you to go" he whispered.

"I know" Persephone breathed. Slowly she pulled away and wiped away the tears that stung at her eyes.

Michael rolled his shoulders and straightened his back.

"Alright Persephone Hawley" he said cheerfully

"I believe I promised you an amazing day!" 


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1085 Reviews


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Sat Sep 03, 2016 10:40 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm here for a quick review for RevMo!

So this is an interesting start. Something that I really like about this is that Persephone and her parents are actually on fairly good terms, and even though she wasn't feeling like she could talk to them about her visions, after her outburst I like how her parents actually apologized and they kind of worked through it.

I know people have already mentioned that you need to break up your paragraphs to make this easier to read, so I'll just add that, in addition, standard grammar says to start a new paragraph every time there's a new line of dialogue, i.e., every time a new person starts speaking. That should give you a bit of a guideline on where to break them up.

Another main thing I'll say is that your grammar could be a little bit better. You mostly seem to be having trouble with commas and punctuation in dialogue, which makes sense since those are the trickiest parts of grammar. If you don't really understand comma rules or dialogue rules, I'd recommend YWS's very own Knowledge Base, in particular these articles: Punctuation within Dialogue and The Great Grammar Compendium.

As for the story, I think it's very interesting. I love fantasy, and I love stories with magic, and you're doing a pretty good job of showing how it works and stuff here. And I also like Michael and Persephone's friendship.

Something I noticed, though, is that Persephone's mother didn't express much emotion at what happened to her brother, or that her mother was killed by a sorcerer. That bit of dialogue just felt a little to much like plain old exposition, not filtered through the lens of the character.

That's all I've got! Good luck with this!




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Sun Aug 28, 2016 12:41 pm
AnarchyWolf wrote a review...



Good afternoon, Oswin1800. AnarchyWolf here to review this second chapter.

My favourite thing about this chapter is the friendship between Michael and Persephone. I love how they interact and how competitive they are with each other, and how they're obviously quite close. I also like the bravado Michael had, and then dropped when he realised Persephone might not be coming back. The way the characters interact here on the whole is realistic and well-done, but Michael and Persephone stood out to me the most.

Spoiler! :

we need to think about this Sarah,

We need to think about this, Sarah,

"...where." Persephone argued as they

"Where," Persephone argued, as they

Empty the square seemed

Empty, the square seemed

ground. A bird landed on the ground

Ground used too much. Try floor, or cobbles, or stones. Something other than ground.

the girls parents

the girls' parents

I am so sorry honey!

I am so sorry, honey!

You can see him tomorrow mom!

You can see him tomorrow, mom!

Annoyed she jumped

Annoyed, she jumped

"I have to leave Michael"

"I have to leave, Michael,"

"So what do you think of that"

[i]"So, what do you think of that?"

"Alright Persephone Hawley" he said cheerfully

"I believe I promised you an amazing day!"

[i]"Alright, Persephone Hawley," he said cheerfully, "I believe I promised you an amazing day!"



This chapter would do well to be broken down into smaller paragraphs. As it is, it's daunting to look at and a quest to try to read through. Cutting the paragraph down where it needs to be cut down will not only obey the English grammatical rules, but will also make your chapter so much more easy to read. A new paragraph should be started whenever there's a new time, place, topic, or person. It should also be a new paragraph if another person starts to speak. Some of the paragraphs here have entire conversations inside of them. Formatting paragraphs correctly will also make your work more aesthetically pleasing.

Overall, this is a good chapter that just needs a little more polishing.

-AnarchyWolf




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Tue Aug 02, 2016 5:45 am
Siddharth says...



Overall though, your description is very good. I'm not being very critical. These are just things to think about when you're writing.

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend siddharth





I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
— Flannery O'Connor