Young Writers Society

Heya, OreosAreLife! Casanova here to do another review!

I'll be taking this piece by piece, so I hope you don't mind.

When the sun goes down I'm left in darkness

Can't see anything in front of me.

Left all alone, no one is there,

Trying to find my way in the dark.

Lost until the sun comes up

Lighting my way again.

So that I can see everything around me.

Free of the dark till it comes back for me

Always trying to trap me.

Falling into the dark losing sight of everything

Surrounded by darkness and silence

Broken down and giving up sounds right

Crying and screaming for help

No one can hear me

It's only for a short time I know

But it feels like forever

When I'm in the dark alone

There is no time here

Lost until the sun comes up

Lighting my way again.

So that I can see everything around me.

Free of the dark till it comes back for me

Always trying to trap me.

King Here
Hello there! I do not think I can call you a new member but I will still say welcome to YWS and hope you have fun here. I may not be the most helpful person here as I am also new, here from only one month, but if you have questions that I can answer to, ask out.
For the work of yours, I understand they are lyrics for a song connected with the darkness and the light around one person, you, as in the song. The night equaling to the darkness and the sun - to the light in this world. I honestly think that the rhyme was not in this piece of writing and maybe you know that. You do not always need the rhyme but on some places it looked like you were still trying to achieve the rhyme at least a bit with the repeating of the same word in several following lines like in the second stanza which are repeated also several times in the song like a chorus. The problem I am having with this work and maybe my only problem with it as I think about it is that in some places you had put the punctuation on the right places the right way, and in other places - they were totally missing. I think if you want to make a work with no punctuation at all you need to do it from the start to the end, and the same if you want to use punctuation in the work. I find the lack of punctuation as not a bad thing in poetries, poems and lyrics, different from the way we right novels. Still, if you do it, finish it.

When the sun goes down I'm left in darkness

I like your phrasing, but i get confused somewhere......
" It's only for a short time I know

But it feels like forever

When I'm in the dark alone

There is no time here "

......confuses me. Is there no time in that dark place, or?
Otherwise, apart from the fact that nothing rhymes, which is probably good enough, everything about these lyrics is good. I hope the beat comes out as nice.