When the sun goes down I'm left in darkness
Can't see anything in front of me.
Left all alone, no one is there,
Trying to find my way in the dark.
~
Lost until the sun comes up
Lighting my way again.
So that I can see everything around me.
Free of the dark till it comes back for me
Always trying to trap me.
~
Falling into the dark losing sight of everything
Surrounded by darkness and silence
Broken down and giving up sounds right
Crying and screaming for help
No one can hear me
~
Lost until the sun comes up
Lighting my way again.
So that I can see everything around me.
Free of the dark till it comes back for me
Always trying to trap me.
~
It's only for a short time I know
But it feels like forever
When I'm in the dark alone
There is no time here
~
Lost until the sun comes up
Lighting my way again.
So that I can see everything around me.
Free of the dark till it comes back for me
Always trying to trap me.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Heya, OreosAreLife! Casanova here to do another review!
I'll be taking this piece by piece, so I hope you don't mind.
I find the first line to be a tad bit long, and it seems to disrupt the flow. I would suggest something like,"with the sun down I'm left in darkness." I think that evens it out a tad bit better, but it's up to you. I love how this doesn't rhyme, and you're using imagery as well as emotion to get your point across.
You reestablish the sun here, and I found that a bit weird instead of using,"it." It's just a nitpick, but something I felt like I should say.
I think you could omit the part where it says,"Falling into the dark.." It throws off the flow and you've established the darkness, I say just keep the imagery flowing without repeating it.
I really like the last line, it's really a picture of depression. So props for that.
Nothing new to say on this one.
Anyway, overall I think you have a strong emotional piece that could use some tweaking in flow and rhyme. Anyway, that's all I have and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Your friend, Matt
Thanks for the review Matt!
Hello there! I do not think I can call you a new member but I will still say welcome to YWS and hope you have fun here. I may not be the most helpful person here as I am also new, here from only one month, but if you have questions that I can answer to, ask out.
For the work of yours, I understand they are lyrics for a song connected with the darkness and the light around one person, you, as in the song. The night equaling to the darkness and the sun - to the light in this world. I honestly think that the rhyme was not in this piece of writing and maybe you know that. You do not always need the rhyme but on some places it looked like you were still trying to achieve the rhyme at least a bit with the repeating of the same word in several following lines like in the second stanza which are repeated also several times in the song like a chorus. The problem I am having with this work and maybe my only problem with it as I think about it is that in some places you had put the punctuation on the right places the right way, and in other places - they were totally missing. I think if you want to make a work with no punctuation at all you need to do it from the start to the end, and the same if you want to use punctuation in the work. I find the lack of punctuation as not a bad thing in poetries, poems and lyrics, different from the way we right novels. Still, if you do it, finish it.
The first line it is. You had put punctuation in the following lines and the capitalization also.
So, you need the comma before 'I'm' and the fullstop at the end of this line/sentence.
The second stanza has lines who are with fullstops in the end, and other who are missing this fullstops. I actually like the chorus a lot and I think you had chosen it very well.
Overall, I like this song and it just shows the hamony of the darkness and the light and that when the first one leaves, the second one will comes back to you again.
Good job and keep on writing!
Thank you and I will go over it again. I'm not very good with punctuation though.
I like your phrasing, but i get confused somewhere......
" It's only for a short time I know
But it feels like forever
When I'm in the dark alone
There is no time here "
......confuses me. Is there no time in that dark place, or?
Otherwise, apart from the fact that nothing rhymes, which is probably good enough, everything about these lyrics is good. I hope the beat comes out as nice.
Thank you and I just write lyrics. I'm not in a band or anything. I can't even play an instrument. I write lyrics when I cannot put the words into a poem. Thank you for the review!
Thats okay,AshleyDashley. Am sure you have a lot more lyrics to show off, and i cant wait to eat them up!
Thank you so much!