Broken Home

Heya, OreosAreLife! Casanova here to do another review for you!

One thing I loved about this was the emotion and honesty put into it. You're not trying to make everything seem better, nor trying to make it seem worse than it is. And I like that.
One thing I didn't like was the absence of imagery in this poem. I feel like you had the opportunity to make us feel exactly what you wanted us to, but you threw that away with giving us a shopping list of broken emotions and feelings. I would suggest toying around with metaphors and images to create something we can relate to. Let us get wrapped up in what you're saying, let us feel what you're saying, and let us put ourselves in that position. When you're giving everything to us in a handbasket we can't really do that, because it's strictly you, if that makes any sense at all.

We live in icy silence,

And shattered peace.

Wow, this made me unbelievably sad. I got curious to check out your other works, I like this one a lot more but I kinda regret reading it. Congratulations, you made me cry.

Don't worry friend this is not only your case. Thousands like you and me live under these circumstances each moment. We are of the same age and I understand what we go through when we expect something and get nothing.

Homes nowadays are not homes they are collections of lifeless bricks.

Besides the thoughts I also loved the way you put them. 'Home of hate', 'Shattered pieces', and 'Icy silence', does paint pictures. That's good!

Though you could remove some clutches from the piece, like another, care, filled, you can use much specific and imaginable words instead! I loved your poem anyways!

Great share, keep writing. Do visit my page. I am a new member here.

Hi.

I love your short clipped sentences. I feel like it adds a nice sense of fragmentation to the poem. I also really enjoyed how simple it was. A lot of rookie poets over emphasize their emotional themes but you don't seem to do that here which is a great first step.

Despite this there are a few errors. In the second stanza you list three emotions. This is seems to be describing what kind of home you live in and although I enjoy it this stanza is grammatically incorrect to my knowledge. A simple re-working of the stanza (adding an and or and -ing ending to bitter should do the trick) would fix this immediately.

Next up is the awkward subject change that occurs in stanzas three and four. I feel like this is a bit jarring especially since you move away from the idea of people in the house so quickly. While it shouldn't be cut I suggest you add some sort of a buffer instead of jumping right in with, "I live with them." You could mention you live with other people first or you can hint at where these cold emotions are coming from (i.e people).

Finally, though your conclusion is very nice I think you can do better in terms of word choice. It's generally awkward to start a sentence with In or And. A simple edit should remedy this.

Overall I really like how deep this poem cuts while staying compact. I love how subtly you convey your emotional theme.

Keep writing!

Hello, I'm Sandman and I will be taking care of your reviewing needs today.

So I really liked this poem. It grabbed my attention and wouldn't let me go. I think that this is a sad poem but a lot of people have to deal with something like this on a daily basis. It is something that is terrible but true and, I can't stress this enough but, somethings needed to be brought to the light a lot more than things that are in the light now. It is such a waste of time to do that. I couldn't find anything wrong with your grammar or anything else and this is an amazing poem about living in a home that isn't really a home anymore.