All black.
Cold and liquid around him, pressing against his back and legs, while on
the other hand softly touching his face and the closed eyes.After some thinking, and also a little bit of very basic
movement-relearning, he decided to open his eyes, only to be reminded
of the reason why he had closed them in the first place.Rain.He sighed.Some thought-filled time later he realized, that lying in a puddle of
water maybe wasn`t a very good idea.Especially not for somebody of his age.Another couple of seconds passed by, and he asked himself:“what is a
second?“.A considerable amount of confusion was the outcome.Headache.When the shadows and the fog around his head slowly started to fade away,
beginning to reveal the more complex structure of what he (for now)
wanted to call his mind, he thought:“Where am I?“,which led to the next question:“Who am I?“.Still not satisfied with the few poor answers his brain could give him, he
started to look around, analyzing his environment whilst carefully
lifting his head.In spite of the rain, it was possible to make out a lot of gravel and
little stones surrounding him and his small, private puddle.It appeared that he was lying in a position, which an observer might
have compared to a bathing situation, if we ignore the fact that
there was nothing very much alive in sight.The monotonous tapping of the rain against his forehead and eyes started
to annoy him, and his shoulders hurt because of the hard ground, so
he decided to stand up.Slowly, very slowly, he began to raise his head and his shoulders, breathing
heavily when the sudden pain pierced his back, and continuously
torturing his muscles as he reached back with his arms to push
himself into a sitting position.Now that he could look over the small well of stones around him, he saw a
lot more, and with a short glance at his environment, all current
thoughts in his head were erased by the strike of the picture in
front of his eyes.It was an overwhelming sight, the beach at night, comprising the huge
sea, the storm clouds with their lightnings and the darkness, all
enlighted by the gloomy shine of the moon.He stood up to watch, and while the wind and the raindrops played with
his hair and clothes, trying to drag and push him back to the ground,
he witnessed a war.He watched the storm, beside itself with rage, sending winds to fight
back protesting waves into their suppression, watched them being
enslaved and pressed back every time they started to rebel against
the heaven`s superiority.He watched the sea fight, watched it when it reached up to the stars to
claim its rights again, only to be pushed back into the water,
watched it start the battle new.He also watched the billions and billions of raindrops seemingly
overfill the already overfilled ocean, by falling down to their
origin after a long journey through the sky,and he watched the Seaspray celebrate the end of its long journey to the
coast by jumping up and down on the sand.His stomach rumbled.It still was very gloomy but when he looked around, the rare lightning
strikes helped him a little with his sight, and when he turned to the
left, he could discern wooden sticks and plates, together with some
other stuff, lying on the rocks in some distance, though not too far
away.He started to walk, more stumble, into their direction, now fully
exposed to the weather, and when he finally arrived at the parts,
noticing that he recognized some of them, memory struck him, and
suddenly, his mind was clear.He remembered a small boat balancing an top of huge waves, a tiny man,
himself, trying to keep it above the water, a wild animal, suddenly
jumping towards him, crashing into the wooden side of the boat, the
man tripping, falling into the roaring depths of the ocean.There was the headache again.He realized he`d sat down, so he got up to look at the wreck, that, as
he knew now, used to be his boat.He started to recognize more familiar parts, for example the huge,
transparent foil he once found on the ground, which made a useful
rain-protection, or the weird sheet with the two symbols on it.He didn`t know their meaning, but the thing itself made an awesome sail.He also found the obscurely bent, metallic trident, which was (as long
as edged correctly) an optimal weapon to kill fish.fish…He heard a sound.
A splashing noise, difficult to make out in the continuous tip-tap of
the raindrops, but he could still hear it, now and then, as soon as
the waves and the storm got more quiet for a moment.His stomach rumbled again.He carefully looked around, while trying to make out where the noise
came from, and then started to walk towards a near lying rock,
holding the trident, which he had picked up before, in his hands.He looked behind the stone and saw It moving.Not only moving, jumping.Using its entire long, silverish shining body to flex, the fish flounced
and hopped up and down, obviously trying to escape its little prison,
made out of natural gravel walls, to get into the safe water behind
them.He sat down in front of the animal and watched it for a bit.He sat there for quite some time, emotionless and without moving, while
the fish continued to fight against its environment.Eventually, he said:“Stop it! That won`t help you.“.And, for whatever reason, the fish, which hadn`t stopped moving since he`d
started watching, stopped moving.„Look!“, he said, „the rain finally ends.“.And the rain did end.He looked into the large, seemingly dead eyes.„That was a fine boat, yes it was.“He sighed.He didn`t know why he was talking to the animal. It just kind of…
helped.His back felt warm. He turned around and saw the sunrise. The clouds had
already gone, and seagulls filled the air with their screams. On the
horizon, the air was shining in bright orange and gold.
Beautiful.While he looked back at the scenery, all of a sudden, he felt good again.
Safe.His stomach rumbled once again.He turned to the fish, the trident in his right hand.Watched the pulsating gill.It only took one thrust.That would make a lot of food.Points:
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The way you put up your idea into work seemed to be confusing. It would definitely put off your readers. I don't understand the kinda situation the main character was in. Did he blank out and lost his memory? or was he a drunkard? I don't find any answers for that. You need to concentrate more on punctuations and choosing most appropriate words for your descriptions. Your imagery was fine. If you put some effort, you can shine. And English is my second language too, not the first. Don't give in. This might be your first work in English. Keep writing. You would be tuned fine one day.
It's a bad idea to be cliche. The way this person woke up. The way they had no idea where they were:
(Another couple of seconds passed by, and he asked himself:“what is a
second?“.)
You're trying to convey some sort of confusion and it's not working. Why should I be interested in this character if they are not relatable?
Your writing is very basic and elementary.
(It appeared that he was lying in a position, which an observer might
have compared to a bathing situation, if we ignore the fact that
there was nothing very much alive in sight.)
Uhm...
(breathing heavily when the sudden pain pierced his back,)
For some reason, this line or something like it pops up in many amnesiac stories. This is one of the most over-used lines in the world. People waking up in places they have absolutely no recollection of getting to, and no recollection of who they even are. It's very painful to read AGAIN.
(His back felt warm. He turned around and saw the sunrise. The clouds had
already gone, and seagulls filled the air with their screams. On the
horizon, the air was shining in bright orange and gold.
Beautiful.)
Your readers don't need that last bit of the narrator's voice. The imagery was probably the best you wrote, but the word 'beautiful,' the stupid input of the narrator's voice. The telling, and not showing--ruined it.
You need to work on writing things from YOUR voice. Your soul, not the soul of industry. Your imagery is good. Everything else, to be honest, sucks.
Try out your own voice
Hey, thanks very much for your honest opinion! As a non-native speaker, I kind of had to take the first few options for words I had, and the fact that I didn't have any idea where to go with this probably played a role as well.
Anyway, I'm not going to post anything in english again, was just a try.
Have a good evening.
No problem. What language do you usually write in? And your English is fantastic, man. I don't think there was even one misspelled word.