The Machine.docx
“Do you trust me?”
“…”
“Wilson?”
“Apologies, I was just caught surprised.”
“Of course I trust you, Sir.”
“Good.”
“Now, the reason I called you over for tea is not because I felt in need for simple chitchat.”
“No, why I brought you over here is to discuss a very important matter.”
“A matter that could be even more revolutionary than the steam machine.”
“But, Sir, Then why did you call me over?”
“Because I need someone who I can trust and at the same time, someone I can trust.”
“I’m flattered, really.”
“But Sir, the question still stands; why me?”
“Wilson, you do not choose who to trust and not to.”
“But let us get back to the subject I called you over for.”
“What would you do if you could build you own body?”
“Sir?”
“I am afraid I don’t quite understand who that is relevant to the subject.”
“Come with me Wilson. I want to show you something.”
“The cellar Sir?”
“Yes, it is the most isolated room in the mansion after all.”
“Now, the only thing that differentiates our bodies from a steam machine is that our bodies can reproduce and that it contains intelligent life.”
“Sir?”
“Do you read much science fiction, Wilson?”
“Yes, I do quite enjoy a good fiction.”
“Good.”
“Then have you ever read about a diving machine?”
“I believe their more commonly know as submarines, Sir.”
“Ah yes, a most fitting name.”
“But let us keep relevant.”
“Think of your body as such a machine.”
“With the periscope as your eyes, the generator as your heart, the air refresher as your lungs, the hull as your skin and you as the brain..”
“Now, you are alone in the machine and there is no way out, without outside help.”
“If you do get out, you probably die if not taken care of properly.”
“Yes, that does make sense.”
“But Sir, what are you trying to get at?”
“I’m just coming to that Wilson.”
“What if you could get a new submarine?”
“A new faster, stronger and better machine?”
“Sir?”
“Wilson, what i have built will allow you to do just that.”
“A machine that will put you in a better body”
“A better body you yourself has built.”
“...”
“Now, it isn’t properly tested yet.”
“But that is what i need you for, Wilson.”
“Are you gonna test it on me?”
“No, I want you to test it on me.”
“Sir...”
“I don’t know if i could do that.”
“Wilson, do you trust me.”
“...”
“Yes, I trust you Sir.”
“Good.”
“We’re here Wilson.”
“...”
“I’m...”
“I’m speechless Sir.”
“Truly, this must have taken years to build.”
“Yes, it did.”
“But it did turn out beautiful, don’t you think?”
“I would rather describe it as frightening.”
“Wilson, do you see that lever on the wall?”
“This lever?”
“Yes, when i tell you to, I want you to pull it.”
“just don’t hesitate.”
“Okay…”
“Sir.”
“...”
“Now pull it, Do not hesitate.”
“...”
“...”
“Sir, are you alright?”
“...”
“Sir?”
“Yes, I am more than alright.”
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi
I don't understand if this is a script or if it's a novel chapter or what?
It is a clearly a dialogue and you are very keen on your pregnant pauses: '...'
But I think they get a litle overdone by about the fifth one.
I'm not exactly sure what point you're trying to prove here, but you don't communicate your message to the reader very well.
Like, '“Yes, it did.”
“But it did turn out beautiful, don’t you think?”
“I would rather describe it as frightening.”'
I kind of get what ou're talking about, but it could have been presented in a bit more of a provocative to the senses way.
If you work on the quality of the dialogue in this, then it will be greatly improved.
The idea that you have used is great but using only dialogue I wouldn't have. I would still keep those lines but have parts in-between. For example, when Wilson first sees the machine there should be something describing what it looks like. Also your dialogue shouldn't be places on separate lines, if they are from the same person then they should stay on the same line. This made me a bit confused at some parts. Overall, a good idea but needs some work.
Cool! I really like this, especially at the end. More than alright leaves it hanging very well, and the use of sir gives me the feeling that a he is a rich mad scientist. The use of only dialogue was also cool, but at the beginning it would have been better if you had used less chitchat, like sir said. Also, the use of dialogue was not right. More than one sentence should have gone in one set of quotation marks, although it is still understandable. I just put up a prologue of a novel I'm writing. I'd like it if u gave me some suggestions on the ending, which you did very well. Overall this could be an interesting par of a short novel. I feels more like H.G. Wells than modern books, although that might have just been the reference to the steam machine. Good job!
arg. This isn't working. Sorry
oops