Published July 18, 2011
Given the chance, would you save a life?
Even if you must suffer through their strife?
Given the chance, would you help a friend?
Even if it’s your life you must lend?
Given the chance, would you jump?
Even if to the ground you would slump?
Given the chance, would you help?
Even if you must kill a young whelp?
Given the chance, would you stay?
Even if my life you must slay?
Given the chance, would you leave?
Even if you did, would you grieve?
Given the chance, would you kill?
Even if it’s your blood you must spill?
Given the chance, would you moan?
If my life, replaced your own?
I did not know what it meant,
I did not know why it was sent.
But I regret it now for I know,
where my life was meant to go.
You were right, I should learn to listen,
In the dark I should not sit in
‘Cos I left you with them; all alone
I should have stayed, not gone home.
Your life I should have been here for.
And you would live, forevermore.
It wouldn’t matter if you remained instead,
It’s for you my tears are shed.
I hear a knocking at the door,
“Why’ve you come? She lives no more?”
I watched as the door opened wide.
And I watched as you stepped inside.
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138,979 Literary Works • 672,395 Reviews
Thanks you guys for the honest comments. They're very helpful and I appreciate them, I'll remember your suggestions for the future.
This felt horribly forced and fake. I'm sorry, but there's nothing worse for me than forced poetry. I liked some of your one-liners, but a lot of it was cliche and there were many lines that felt awkward or out of place. That ruined the theme behind it for me, and it didn't flow quite as well as perhaps I think you'd like. Look it over again, and try to re-write some parts, because it has too much potential to be wasted by just leaving it like this. The format works - just do your best to improve the content. Keep writing.
Hi-ya! I'm usually a fan of rhyming as long as it reads smoothly and the flow is consistent. This piece however I regret to say, felt terribly forced. My favorite part is the first two lines because it's consistent and doesn't feel fake.
I honestly like the format of this poem, with the two lines at a time. Through out the poem, the over all meaning was lost, to me at least because it was strictly about rhyming. I also like how you used italics. I'd suggest only italicizing "Given the chance" because it is repetitive and the point of the piece. I think you've got a great skeleton here and the talent to write many more brilliant works! Keep it up!
You managed to pull of a rhyme scene that didn't annoy me as much as others tend to do. At some parts it does sound a bit forced and you definitely feel the focus is placed on the rhyme and not on the definition of what you want to say.
There are a couple of stanza's I'd like to correct.
This stanza right above is one where I feel you've wandered off from the pattern you were using before and focused on the rhyme. You use would 2 times, which is a unpleasant repition, so I'd either brainstorm on a another rhymeform or arrange the sentence in other to delete the second would.
The other 2 stanza's are also just an suggestion as I said to create some sort of ease of flow.
But I regret it now, for I know, I assume it is not your intention to link the now with the know, but it is a negative eye catcher. Seeing your point is only to make know rhyme with go. I would correct the first line removing the now. Something like this perhaps: But it is regret I feel, for I know
I've got nothing to correct here except for a dot at the end of the second line. I am very impressed with the rhyme here, listen and sit in. Well done.
Except for the gramatical error, this is also e very nicely written stanza.
The last three stanza's are very unclear for me, it could be my lack of concentration, but I really lost you. You say it doesn't matter if you'd stay, cause of the tears you'd shed for her. All of a sudden you stand at a door, is it on the inside or on the inside? Cause you hear knocking, but the voice that answers sounds like you knocked. At last I believe someone appears to you and that someone is I believe the person you thought to be gone and also the person who wrote the first part of the poem. I hope you understand my confusion here.
Overall, it was a nice attempt as you startled me with some nice rhyming schemes. The story and what you were getting at sounded clear at first but tended to vaguen up in the end. I hope my corrections and comments were helpful.
Keep writing.