Published March 28, 2008
This is my first story I ever wrote, so please read and review it. Thank you.
The Eclipse Chronicles
Prolouge
The only thing he could hear was the sound of his heart beating inside his chest and the thunder crashing outside. He was drenched from head to toe from running around in the rain storm, but had quickly found shelter within the orphanage.
He guessed that the nuns hadn't caught him sneaking off into the night or they would probably have punished him by now. Wiping his wet hair out of the way of his eyes, he laid down on the floor what he had been carrying all this way.
His twin brother. Unconcious and covered in blood.
"Goddammit," he cursed as he thought of what to do. He had to think fast, because the blood was emptying itself of his twin quicker than expected. If he didn't do something quick, he wouldn't be alive much longer...
"Dammit, what do I do?" He said again. "There's gotta be something I can do.. Please, God... This wasn't supposed to happen like this..."
"YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO..." Said a dark voice in the back of the boy's mind. A chill ran down his spine as he heard it talk.
"No," he replied, to himself as it looked. "I can't rely on you for anything..."
"THERE'S NOT MUCH TIME, YOU FOOL... DON'T YOU WANT TO SAVE HIM? THINK ABOUT IT... I CAN HELP YOU... JUST MAKE THE DEAL..."
A million thoughts spun around in the boys head. His brother was lying at his feet, bleeding, practicly half dead... He was sure he could save him if he made the deal, but what would happen to him if he did? There's no way he would sacrifice himself like that... But if he didn't, his brother would...
"THE CLOCK'S TICKING, CHILD. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE."
The boy thought. He pulled out his rosery and said a quick prayor. Then, he looked at his brother one last time.
"Fine. There's no way around it..."
He heard the cold voice laugh in the back of his mind.
"GO AHEAD. SAY IT."
The boy did as he was told.
"I, GAVIN MCKANE, SURRENDER MY SOUL TO YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY..."
"...GLAD TO HEAR IT."
Suddenly, the shadows around them swarmed like a flock of birds, covering the two brothers. His wounded twin was sucked away into the darkness while the darkness forced itself into the boy.
A horrible, burning, piercing feeling overtook the boy and everything went black.
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,587 Reviews
It was quite an epic beginning
I'm not sure about this line. It didn't really flow with the writing, i think it would be being:
Because his (twin) brother was loosing blood faster than he expected.
I think you have done a nice job.
Try to capture our minds with more detail next time!
Also, hurry up and write the next part. I want to know how it goes.
Hey, this was a really interesting begginig. Hoever.... Ehy did you leave us haging like this. This is shear torture. I cannot wait to read more.
Also, the book that Absynthe mentionedHAS been published since last august. *glares at her for not keeping up to date* So you might want to change that, but other than that, I see nothing wrong with your work. Not calling it perfect, but close to it maybe. Just remeber that all writing can be tweaked when you think it can not be tweaked no more.
Also, welcome to yws!
well for one thing.(this is an aswer to the above comment) it wasnt a chapter, was it? No. it was a prologue. anyhows. it was interesting enough, a little cliche though. i could think up a few ways to twist it, but its your story, not mine, so ill but out. nice work, better than my first.
Ok just wanted to point out that there is already a book published By stephenie meyer called eclipse:
http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/eclipse.html
lol it was ok its a lilshort to be a first chapter lol acctually it was really short. good work overall, keep it up!!
prayer is spelled but i really like it...how the main character has a wispering subconcience...most of the books I read don't have that. Again good job.
-em
I thought it was really interesting.
Hovever the whole boy sells soul to the devil for a loved one,
has been used to many times. I liked how you wrote it just the idea has been used by MANY PEOPLE i.e. Ghost rider.
Hopefully you make more out of this because as of right now its kind of dissapointing. It snagged my attention and was really well written, I just want to hear more of it.
Let me know how it goes.
lol, Kyte, what a brilliant contribution
...
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Anyway, hi, and welcome to YWS! Um, the traditional thing to do is to leave two reviews for every piece you put up. Just telling you
I thought this was really interesting! I really want to know what happened to his brother...
Now, I do have a point about the devil/whatever it is, I'm just going to call him the devil. I think it would be so much scarier if you put his words in italics rather than capitals. Also, it would give the impression that he's in the boy's mind, which he is.
Other than that, you've got a very interesting beginning here.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella x
it seems like a great prologue but it leaves a lot of questions, who are the boys? how did one of them get so badly hurt? What's the voice in the back of his head? The way you wrote it makes me want to read more, but I think you should at least have more conflict between the Gavin and the voice.
overall though this works well as a prologue, it entices the reader to keep going. You put in just the right amount of suspense before stopping, since prologues never give any real answers.
Ok, this isn't very helpful. But I was listening to a song called "Fly Away Tonight." Great music for this.
certainly an interesting beginning. It all seems to happen a little bit fast though. You might try to get into more detail about his internal struggle over what's happening. I mean it's a pretty big conflict to go through, sell your soul, or you brother dies.
I presume that he heard the voice before this point. Otherwise, he'd think he's losing his mind under the stress. So, it seems that he should react to the voice a bit more. Sound more scared then
Otherwise a pretty good job
Hi
Very good start. Though I did think it was a bit confusing in the beginning. Overall however, you put a good voice into it and it was well written for it being your first story.
Keep up the writing
Cait
Hello.
Overall opinion: Interesting start. There were a few things I would have changed, but unfortunately I don't have time to list them all. But one of the major things it the all-caps parts. Try using Italics instead. Looks better.
Gotta go. Keep writing. It was really good for a first story. You can only get better... I think...