The Brotherhood, Chapter One

Chapter One
Chris
 
            Christopher Robin had just returned home.
            He snuck up back into the house by climbing the pipe, and slipping through his open window. Immediately he collapsed on his soft bed and allowed himself to sink into the mattress. Before he went to sleep he got up and hid his “tools” under a loose floorboard.
When they said training was going to be tiresome they were right, Chris thought weakly.
            Slowly he went to sleep and there his torment began.
            He was alone in a dark place and a sudden burst of air brought hell with it. Faces, so many faces circled him, and jested him. Make sure he always remembers those final seconds.
            Chris gave in to his last piece of conscience and kneeled in his nightmare and asked for forgiveness. All he found was vindictiveness and malice.
            ‘Chris! Wake up you lazy baboon time to go to school.’
            The voice of his mother rang across the house and stirred him in his sleep. Before the faces could return he jumped up. A small moan slipped from him; the simplest of movements made his body ache.
            Unfortunately he couldn’t say a thing. As far as his mother knew Chris was at Mac’s house for the past week. Of course if she had called Mac’s house the phone call would’ve been directed towards somewhere else.
            He dragged his exhausted feet towards the bathroom and closed the door silently behind him. In the bathroom he was allowed to fully inspect himself. On his face there were several dark magenta bruises. His jet-black hair was messier than usual. Under his brown intense eyes were dark shadows that hinted of extreme exhaustion.
            In other words he was a mess.
            Slowly, he stared into his eyes in the mirror. Perhaps his mother was right, his eyes did change. Certainly, they were much more serious, much more mysterious.
            At least the chicks like mysterious guys he thought humorously now dig the eyes hot stuff.  He rolled his eyes at himself.
            ‘Well at least I am sure I am a lunatic,’ he told himself out loud.
            Five minutes later he was downstairs enjoying his scrambled eggs. He reached out and added a pinch of pepper and salt on them. Adding the right amount was never a quality of his mothers’.
            His mom, Angelique Robin, about 36 years old but she doesn’t look like that. Compliments used to shower her about her brown lush hair and wide brown eyes when she was young. However those days were over and she knew it. Everyday she’d stare in the mirror at herself, staring at those beginnings of wrinkles. She never thought Chris would notice, but he was always there, always watching.
            Of course Chris was the origin of the problem. Whenever people saw him with her they’d jump and cry, “We never thought you were that old to get a 15 year old boy! Wow you must be in your forties!”
            She’d purse her lips, smile one of her fake smiles, and reply venomously “That’s my boy Chris, oh Hanna dear you have gained some weight…” She wouldn’t talk to him the rest of the day.
            It’s true his mom isn’t perfect but she has a heart of gold. She may care too much about her appearance but she’s an angel. Every Christmas eve she would be down at the homeless shelter feeding the needy with Chris. To her dating was a phase every guy went through. She’d understand anything. Cranky mothers, lecturing, and boundaries were her most despised things. That’s why Chris considered his mother cool.
            As he meditated upon that someone gripped his biceps. In a flash he was up, a hand on the person’s hand and another went for the shoulder. Then he quickly dropped his arms beside him. ‘Niki … you freaked the hell out of me!’ he clutched his heart and dropped down.
            Niki was one of Chris’ best friends. Their friendship started in a very peculiar way. Two years ago, a guy named Kyle and some of his “little” (If you can call two pair of bulls little!) friends were bullying Niki. Chris was sick of seeing her squeal and scream, returning home with bruises on her face. The worst thing was that when people heard her they just diverted their gaze and kept walking.
            This time it all took place at the bicycle shed.
‘No… please… don’t!’ thump.
            Chris heard one of the punches land and then a groan emitted. Anger blazed inside of him. Looking at the outer wall of the shed he found some holes. Slowly he began to climb. In a matter of seconds Chris was on the wooden roof watching them.
            Thump.
            The sound was awful in Chris’ ears. His heart began to beat like a drum roll.
            Creeaaaaaaak
            A small pause, then the wood underneath of him gave away. Battered and bruised from the fall, Chris groaned slightly. He then remembered the grave matter he was in. He sprung up immediately expecting a fight.
            Kyle turned to look at him with those icy blue eyes. The latter sneered ‘See Niki, your boyfriend finally came to the rescue.’ His two companions cracked their knuckles and advanced. In those few seconds Chris had analyzed his position and meditated every move and every possible result.
            Two shall advance, one faster than the other. I must sidestep him then a punch in the solar plexus would knock him out. To make sure he stays down, an elbow on the back would do. It must be not too powerful.
 The other shall witness this there is two possibilities: He might not soak this in so the same moves would work or he would be an expert in martial arts and would advance with caution and power.
            By the way I saw him punch Niki, he’s probably a martial arts expert and he is right handed. If I feint to move to the left side and go to the right, he would find it extremely difficult to defend himself.
            I shall as they say ‘sweep him of his feet’ and a quick, precise kick in the diaphragm would suffice.
            All of this had been analyzed in the very few seconds he saw them from above and on the ground.
            The lighter of the two came running at him first, Chris easily sidestepped him and thrust a swift fist in the solar plexus. With a small puff all the air in the boy’s lungs were exhaled. His face went blue. Punches in the solar plexus make the diaphragm stop for a few seconds
            Thank you Karate, thought Christopher with grim smile.
            Ugly Number Two hesitated for a second.
            Kyle watched all of this wide-eyed, ‘Well? What are you waiting for! Get him!’ he screamed. Ugly Number Two stood on the palms of his feet with a low centre of gravity. Chris made a growling sound; he was right the boy was an expert.
            As quick as light, Chris crouched and darted towards to the right, which would be his opponents left side. Without any warning his opponent swung a fist. In the very same second Chris darted to the other side. Now Chris held his furious opponent arms behind his back.
            An elbow in the solar plexus and his opponent collapsed on the floor.
            Ugly Number One didn’t learn the lesson and decided to take another shot at Chris. Not the smartest thing to do.
            Chris grabbed him from his hair and banged him against the wall. That wasn’t in his plan. He elbowed him in the solar plexus and his opponent collapsed on the floor. Chris then slowly turned to face Kyle whose face was white with fear.
            He muttered something that sounded like leave me alone. He stared at Chris who feinted to pick something from the floor. In a second Kyle was on his bike and far from Chris’ reach. He jeered and taunted at him, until he hit a rock and the bike flipped. Chris’ face broke into a grin.
            Niki was in a corner all that time hugging her knees and sobbing. Once the small struggle was over, she looked up hopefully. ‘Who – who are you?’ she asked in between her sobs. She squinted at him with her hazel eyes through the dusty dim light. He offered her a hand to help her stand up. Slowly and painfully she stood up, leaning her weight on his hand.
            Chris found himself holding Niki while she wept into his chest. ‘They – wanted to … to hurt me even more … I can’t take it…’ she sobbed. Ugly Number One groaned and began to stir. ‘We should get out of here,’ Chris suggested.
            Five minutes later both were alone in the woods.
            Niki was grateful for Chris’ warmth. She hugged herself close to his body. It seemed that he just radiated heat. Chris felt extremely uncomfortable, but the girl was freezing. It was the only way to warm her up or he could take of his shirt and give to her. He liked the first alternative more.
            Slowly she began to regain her senses and was able to get a grip of herself. He made sure she was back home, safe and sound. By the time Chris woke up from his emerged from his lapse, Niki was gone.
           
***
 
            Next day he woke up from a rather annoying call from his best friend, Malcolm.
            Chris kept hitting the phone.
            ‘Damn it where is the snooze button?’ he muttered sleepily. Slowly he realized it was the phone.
            ‘Ughhh – hello?’
            ‘OI!’
            Surprise coursed through Chris’ body and fell off the bed. He groaned loudly from the fall. Don’t worry about yourself Chris, your head broke the fall, he thought. In a few seconds he relocated the phone and went back talking to his soul brother.
            He coughed softly and began talking in a British accent just to tease his friend.
            ‘Hello Mate, how are you doing? Jolly good, I hope. I'm fine, just thinking of going to the chippie and have a wee cuppa. Would you care to join me?’
            ‘Shut the hell up.’
            ‘Why thank you! That’s very kind of you after waking me up in such a gentle manner.’
            ‘I really need you mate, there is some heck of a website in front of me, you’ll love it. Especially you man,’ he teased ‘it has something to do with Sherlock Holmes.’
            Chris jumped up and dressed in about five seconds. ‘I am on my way!’ he shouted. He put on his plain old jeans and an old shirt and ran all the way. Exactly ten minutes later he had arrived at Mac’s house and found him staring with excited chocolate brown eyes at the laptop screen.
            Malcolm or Mac was kind of short for his age. Christopher often thought of him as a shrimp with brown curly hair. About a month ago his mother forced him to wear braces so whenever he talked, it sounded like he was slurping out his words. People everywhere underestimated him because he looked a bit scrawny. Even Chris wouldn’t want to be his opponent in a fight; he was just full of hot fuming anger sometimes.
            ‘So what’s the problem now? Your laptop crashed? Can’t pass a game level?’
            Mac slowly shook his head and pointed at the website. ‘Can’t stop staring at the video,’ he muttered ‘just reached the end.’ Chris pushed Mac out of the comfortable ebony leather chair and sat down. He seemed to snap out of the hypnotic trance and pressed play.
            In a minute Chris was just like him, astounded.
            The video replayed itself.
            A young man in his thirties appeared. His black hair was spiked up with gel and his face shone with the hint of plastic surgery. Raven black eyes just magnetically glued them both to the screen. Slowly his face stretched into a smile and spoke softly.
            Hello, I am Dimitri.
Welcome, to the greatest Detective Game, why is it the greatest? That is because this takes place in your very own town. As I traveled around the country, each town I visited I left clues, tips and hints for our mysteries.
            Solve them now, not just for fun, but also for money.
            Still not convinced?
            If you accept this following mystery and you are able to unveil the true answer, you will get to meet me. Not just that my young friend, we will book you a job ready for you to claim when you graduate.
            Now my friend, will you close this and skip this offer?
            Or will you seize this opportunity?
            It is time to choose and the choice is yours.
            Your own fate is in your hands.
Choose well.
            Then the screen went dark.
            ‘This is too good to be true.’
            Chris nodded to his friend’s statement.
            ‘So why am I here?’ he asked. Mac smiled nervously and fiddled with his brown hair for a while. His mouth opened a couple of times to speak but then he shut it again.
            ‘I need your help! I accepted it and been on it for a whole hour and I still can’t solve it.’ He wailed.
            ‘Why me?’
            ‘Because you’re the best detective I ever knew, you’re the next Sherlock Holmes!’
            Chris grinned ‘Thanks for sugar-coating me but I was going to do it anyway just for the heck of it.’ Mac smiled at him and thrust a paper towards him. ‘That’s the first clue.’
            He closed his eyes and began touching the brown paper. It was coarse and old; it was parchment. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked at it carefully. It was blank; nothing written. He noticed something rather weird. The paper smelled of wine and lemon.
            Mac watched his friend with awe.
            Then he saw him smile and lick the end of the paper.
            ‘What the heck are you doing. That’s the clue man!’ he screamed.
            ‘Give me a torch, a powerful one, come on.’ Chris ordered. Mac grumbled while searching for it. After a while he found one in the bathroom; what it was doing there, no idea.
            Chris took it from him and turned it on. He brought it so close to the paper and kept moving it like a scanner. The paper didn’t change at all.
            Suddenly yellow writing appeared.
            ‘Lemon juice; the perfect invisible ink,’ Chris grinned. Mac could feel his jaw drop and his eyes pop out.
            Mac snatched the paper and began to read. After he was done, he looked puzzled. He handed back the paper saying ‘It’s too obvious, it’s a riddle but it’s way easy.’
            Chris took a look and this is what he read.
Look far beyond the sky,
You shall find the twinkling eye.
Towards it you will go,
Finding the place of the crow.
Staring into the speechless Guardian’s eyes
Leave behind felony and lies.
Find the man who you don’t seek.
Pay him and he shall speak.
            ‘How is this obvious again?’ he asked Mac.
            Mac shrugged ‘It sounds we go to their headquarters, it has a flag of a crow and they have a security guard they call the Guardian.’
            ‘Excellent let’s go Watson!’
            Mac grinned and led the way to Creepy Place.
***
            Turned out that Creepy Place isn’t so creepy.
            That was Chris’s first thought when he saw the building. To him it looked like a Greek wonder that somehow survived thousands of years of exposure to the elements. It was a small replica of the White House. Small in this case meant twice as large as villa.
            There was only one guard on the door; the Guardian. It fitted exactly with the riddle. In his left hand he was holding a yellow flag with a crow on it.
            ‘Not the best flag eh,’ Chris whispered to Mac, who exploded into giggles ‘that’s more of a death omen than a flag.’
            As they approached the entrance the guard exploded into a string of rude words.
            ‘You filthy dirty little street rats why don’t you go smoke your crap somewhere else! This a respectable building,’ he puffed out his chest proudly ‘the owners here are one of the richest people in the world, so get the heck out of here!’
            Mac grabbed Chris from his arm and led him away. As they walked around the building, Chris was thinking about what just happened.
            ‘- I mean our best chance is to knock out the guard and storm inside man,’ Mac suggested.
            Suddenly Chris broke into a smile.
            ‘What?! I know it’s silly but still, it could work!’
            ‘No it’s not the idea, which is quite nice by the way, it’s the guard himself.’
            ‘Yeah, what about him?’
            ‘The riddle said “speechless Guardian” am I right?’
            ‘Yeah, so?’
            ‘I think he swore at us pretty loudly man, and I am pretty damn sure he isn’t speechless.’
            Mac’s eyes widen in realization.
            ‘Oh – my – God, how… But … what the heck does that mean then?’
            Chris stood silent for a moment, analyzing every bit of information. His tactical mind crossed out places that didn’t fit and finally narrowed down his search.
            ‘Malcolm what’s the only place that has crows as a common bird and speechless or dead guards?’
            ‘The cemetery! But that doesn’t explain the star. The flag here has a star as a crows eye.’
            Suggesting problems is Mac’s area of expertise that made him a valuable companion on adventures.
            Really?
            No.
            Suddenly Mac gasped.
            ‘Of course! The North Star! It is the twinkling eye, and it leads straight to the back entrance of the cemetery. We have a night adventure. Let’s go home and get ready, this is going to get scary …’ then Mac cracked an evil smile.
***
            Home sweet home.
            Chris came back and the whole house smelled of Vodka; his mom has been drinking again.
            A small funny thought crossed his mind. He just imagined Mac’s reaction when he’d tell him this.
            ‘VODKA!! VODKAAAAAA FROM MUZZER RUSSSIIAAA!’
            He couldn’t keep himself from smiling and knocked on his mothers’ door. ‘Mom? Are you okay?’ he said through the door. At that moment something caught his eye. Blood drops were on the floor. He followed the trail with his eyes; it started in the bathroom and ended up here.
            Immediately he’s worst thoughts came to the front of his mind. Adrenaline took over of his body. His heart was like a jackhammer. With a kick he knocked down the door.
            There was his mother eagle-spread on the bed. He ran over to her and kept pushing her.
 ‘Mom? Mom wake up…’
He saw bloodstains on her mouth and saw the empty bottle of pills and freaked out. Shaking badly, he picked up the phone and did something he never did before; he called the police.
***
            The police marched in flashing their cameras every time they saw something. Samples of her blood were taken. A new bottle of the same pills were bought. They scanned the room to find fingerprints but none appeared.
            Christopher decided to scan the scene one more time. He opened his eyes to find his mother on the bed, the empty bottle clenched in her hand. Blood droplets were spread everywhere. Slowly he began to notice some details that escaped him.
            Besides the smell of wine there was this faint smell of a kind of cigarette he knew. The name escaped him, but he was sure he’d remember later. Also he never found the bottle or glass of Vodka his mother was supposed to be drinking. Most of his mother’s lipsticks were open and thrown on the floor.
            He got up from his seat and began working on this peculiar case.
            This isn’t any case Chris, he thought firmly, this is my mom dead here, I will know who did it.
            Several clues that escaped him began to jump in front of his face. How in hell did I miss that? He asked himself. He detected two things from the chaos of the lipstick.
            First, one of the point of the lipstick was crushed beneath whoever killed her.
            Second, a red lipstick was smeared against the side of a black shoe. When he saw the point of the lipstick was a bit flatter than it should be and saw slight black marks on it, it was a piece of cake.
            It was still no good.
            Max was right.
            Things are going to get scary.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Blues
Review
Blues wrote a review · Sun Jun 24, 2012 3:39 pm

Hey, Omar! I'm here to review... again xD

Would you mind a good shredding? ;) I'll be extra harsh for you today.

Pacing: It goes way too fast. Slow down! You can slow it in 3 different ways: Description of settings, description of what the character is doing... or just add more dialogue ;) (as long as it's useful for the story) If it goes slower and everything doesn't happen straight after each other, it'll make more sense... and make it easier for readers to go through it.

Info Dumps: ...turn anyone off. xD Massive chunks of info are so hard to digest and there's no point of them. Like here:

His mom, Angelique Robin, about 36 years old but she doesn’t look like that. Compliments used to shower her about her brown lush hair and wide brown eyes when she was young. However those days were over and she knew it. Everyday she’d stare in the mirror at herself, staring at those beginnings of wrinkles. She never thought Chris would notice, but he was always there, always watching.
Of course Chris was the origin of the problem. Whenever people saw him with her they’d jump and cry, “We never thought you were that old to get a 15 year old boy! Wow you must be in your forties!”
She’d purse her lips, smile one of her fake smiles, and reply venomously “That’s my boy Chris, oh Hanna dear you have gained some weight…” She wouldn’t talk to him the rest of the day.
It’s true his mom isn’t perfect but she has a heart of gold. She may care too much about her appearance but she’s an angel. Every Christmas eve she would be down at the homeless shelter feeding the needy with Chris. To her dating was a phase every guy went through. She’d understand anything. Cranky mothers, lecturing, and boundaries were her most despised things. That’s why Chris considered his mother cool.


See how big it is? There are a few of these. You can probably fill in that info in other places, like when Chris is interviewed by police. Even then, Angelique dies. What's the point? xD

Shaking badly, he picked up the phone and did something he never did before;:he called the police.


Tenses:
Things are going to get scary.


*were going to get.

Remember to proof read for tenses. If it's being told in past tense, then it should stay that way unless it's like a flashback/forward and in that case, the story was being told in past so therefore it should stay that way.

Dialogue: Tags. Try to remember them. Without them, we'll get confused in who is speaking. In addition, it'd be the perfect excuse to slide in some body language while they're talking. Are they twiddling their thumbs or staring into the distance? It also reveals stuff about the characters = do they get bored easily? Do they dislike the other secretly?

Paragraphing: Bit choppy. You rely on one sentence paragraphs a bit too much. Try and vary your structure. Long paragraph here, short there. Same goes with sentences. Use them to create a mood - manipulate them...

Finally!

Description: ...and manipulate description too. When you're describing things, you want to create a kind of mood. The lipstick: it's not just red, it's the same colour of blood, like boiling rage. The smell of the cigarette doesn't smell like cigarettes alone: it also suffocates you.
By manipulating the words, think of the atmosphere you've created. Think of the 5 senses. Use them to create an atmosphere. Remember that you need to do it since we're not there.

Okay. That's all from me. You said I could shred it! ;)

Send me a note if you've got any questions. Keep writing! :)

~Blues

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OmarEhab Comment

Thanks a lot for the review guys I am editing my prologue right now!

User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review · Sun Dec 25, 2011 3:02 am

I noticed a couple of oddities with regards to your firearm descriptions, so I'll be focusing on those.

It was a Mosin Nagant M1891/30 PU

The first time I saw the model number, I did a double take and wondered where the 18 came from, because I hadn't seen the model number written that way before, and it took a while to realize, "Oh, right. Model year."

It's usually written M91/30.

The second issue with this description is the scope. You specify it here as PU, yet later, you say the rifle was fitted with "the most modern scope in the world used by the SAS, and the Navy SEALS." These two descriptions don't match up at all considering the PU scope was originally mounted to the M91/30, which makes it a fairly old design.

It was very light - even for a child it would be.

Most rifles are light as a general principle. Only in recent years have rifles been able to reach the 5 lb (~2.3 kg) range, which marks them as ultralight. Most rifles of comparable size weigh in anywhere from 7-10 lbs (3.2-4.5 kg), with the M91/30 weighing in at 8.8 lbs (4 kg). The rifle I learned to shoot with (Remington M722) when I was five or six weighed 7.7 lbs (3.5 kg), and the one I hunt with (Ruger 77/44) weighs in at 7.6 lbs (3.4 kg) with a scope attached, so commenting on the M91/30 as being very light is not quite accurate.

Although it was made back in the 1940’s it was one of the most effective rifles.

I'm not so sure about that. Mosin Nagants were mass-produced during Russia's WWII efforts, so the quality of any given Mosin is unpredictable. Some of them shoot beautifully, and some of them couldn't be consistent for diddly squat because the boring of their barrels is of not-great quality.

Mosins are most known for their cheapness (due to the massive numbers of them that were produced), durability, and being covered in an unholy concoction called cosmoline (which did a great job of preserving the rifles, but is an absolute pain to clean off completely). Their effectiveness in combat pretty much was the result of how many of them there were, and how easily they were used. Not that either is a bad thing, but it doesn't make for the best reputation as a sniper rifle.

The bullet sped across the fifty meter distance burying itself above the cervical curve severing the spine.

First off, fifty meters is point-blank for a rifle. If Mr. Assassin here hadn't made the shot, either he was blind, or the bore of his Mosin was not as good as it should have been and threw the shot WAY off. For anyone with experience shooting rifles to miss a shot at that close a range is just not plausible. To give you an idea of ranges, if you can nail a moving target 300 meters away in the woods while out hunting, you're a good shot. If you miss at 100 meters, you suck.

There's also the matter of how close fifty meters is to the target. A sniper is only successful as a sniper if he can get away to snipe another day, and being that close to your target is not at all conducive for making a quick and reliable getaway. Shots tend to be loud, even with silencers attached.

Secondly, bullets do not sever spines or bones. Bullets shatter upon impacting hard things, like bones, and tend to shatter said bones, even as they cause organs to implode due to rapid expansion of the superheated gases around the bullet. Even jacketed bullets fragment upon impact, in addition to shattering/otherwise fracturing/breaking whatever bones they hit along the way. Very messy business, and not at all as clean as a simple severing.

I'd suggest researching things a bit more carefully in the future. A lot of information is easily available on the internet, and there's also a number of books devoted to the most obscure tidbits of information (such as how much a particular model of rifle weighs).

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Rosendorn
Review

Hello.

Before I begin, I’d like to suggest you proofread this more closely, preferably after you’ve been away from this for awhile. You used “us” instead of “use”, have a few missing commas and words, after “Rolls Royce” and your first line reads like it’s missing a word. A pretty quick proofreading after you’ve gotten away from the story can fix that.

Regardless of whether or not a word is missing, I’d suggest looking over your first line. One, it gives us no reason to keep reading, which is key for an opening line, and two, it is so vague I can’t even begin to imagine what’s involved. Both of these cripple your whole opening, especially since you take six paragraphs to get to the point. Most readers won’t be that knowledgeable about guns to bother sitting through that much description about it, especially with zero information on “why should I care?” The gun description also felt off to me, which made it hard to sit through.

"Why should I care" is a key question when you're writing, and should be the driving force behind everything you write. You cannot make readers care about any given situation; you can only show them a situation and hope you've given them enough detail to care about it. It also means you cut any extra detail that doesn't make readers interested, or show something else incredibly important about the setting. Right now, it's really hard to care with your vague descriptions on everything but the gun (and even then).

The vagueness is mostly caused by a lack of sensory description in the work. Only the gun is described in any detail, and even then the detail isn’t much more than a handful of visual clues. Add in other senses just to richen this and get us in your MC’s skin. While this is third person, you can still give us an idea of his surroundings and his mental state. The descriptions also have a good possibility of being interesting, which would help carry your story.

I’d also restructure your opening. Right now, you’re relying heavily on one-sentence paragraphs. While these are good for the odd piece of emphasis, they get dull and repetitive quickly. By constantly being told “this is important”, nothing becomes important. You also lose out on the opportunity to actually flesh out the situation through longer paragraphs, which is where a lot of the meat in your story comes from. It’s key not to go too long, however not long enough often results in the repetitive, choppy style you have now.

There’s also a general stiltedness to your dialogue and character interactions. They’re reading as one-dimensional characters who are meant to be pure evil, whose only purpose is to spill details on the plot in a way that reads like notes. Human interactions aren’t perfect, and humans tend not to be one-dimensional beings. Flesh out the characters so they’re more than sinister smiles and evil laughs and have some grey morals, or even white ones. Don’t settle for painting the world black.

There’s also the economic and cultural repercussions of war. When the Iraq war began, I remember how hesitant most world powers were in actually declaring war. Everybody called it a possible WWIII and that seemed to make everybody adverse to it actually happening.

Also, wars are not triggered by one or two events, like you implied in your beginning (in fact, I almost stopped reading right at the beginning because of how much that was impossible to happen). They are triggered by multiple events happening, and countries are not that trigger happy at starting a war. The Cold War dragged on for years because neither side wanted to pull the trigger first. The US wasn’t part of WWII at the beginning, and that’s what prevented it from becoming a World War.

Even when you consider that it takes the President to declare war, you still have to consider how hesitant nations are to join in on a bloodbath.

Overall, please do more research on this. A lot more. Right now, it’s reading like Hollywood Politics where wars are easily started because they’re dramatic and that makes a good plot. There’s also the nagging comments about your use of guns, which I didn’t go into detail about because I’m not that knowledgeable on the topic (but all I had was a lot of Mythbusters episodes under my belt so I had a general idea of how guns behaved to feel it wasn’t right). It also reads, at first, like one event can start a whole war. If you restructure this prologue so we get a bit more causes for events before the actual events, it’ll not only read as more realistic (like, knowing that snipe is one of many to actually get the job done) but it will connect the two halves. Right now, the line “Christopher Robin” seems to split the prologue right down the middle; I don’t see a connection between the events in the beginning and the end.

There’s also the matter of the really flat characters. Even if they are just small parts right now, the guys here are part of Cobra, which contains a lot of your main antagonists. Antagonists, to be well fleshed-out (and, in general, human), need more than “I am evil hear my laugh” as a characterization point. Spend some time in each of their heads to see how they think, and, more importantly, why they think that way. They “why” gives you the motivation, which is a key factor in any story.

Right now, I don’t see that motivation, which leaves me, as a reader, wondering why the story is even taking place. If you managed to make the story interesting at the start, giving me a reason to read, then continue making character who seem to have a hidden agenda for world domination throughout the chapter, you’d have something pretty good here.

Right now, it’s pretty rough. But there is room to polish. Just do some research into wars, politics, guns and psychology to start off.

PM me if you have any questions.

~Rosey

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Blues
Review
Blues wrote a review · Sat Dec 24, 2011 7:08 pm

Jackster, twin!

I'm so glad you're part of YWS :) I'm here to shred your work.

What Went Well
This has come such a long way. I'm so... proud? XD I dunno how to describe it. I'm really pleased for you! I particularly loved the cliff hanger as well. That was a good one.

One thing I also particularly liked is that it feels... like a movie. But I actually think it's a good thing for this because it's really really dramatic! For a prologue, that's what makes it brilliant. I love dramatic prologues!

Zorn. Brilliant name choice <3

Compared to the first draft, I love this a lot because it some significance to the plot and isn't just Chris having a job. It's also really REALLY exciting. Your skills have improved :D

Even Better If
Every time I see your work Jack, this bit gets smaller.

First: In YWS, it doesn't do all the italics for you. So when you post, highlight an italic word and press the 'I' under the subject.

Second: Paragraphing was a bit choppy in places.I know you wanted to add dramatic affect but it sometimes is excessive. When you say a filthy figure stepped out for example, the next line isn't on something different. So just take a look and sort them out :)

Thirdly: When you list the countries, change Russia into the 'Russian Federation' if you want it to be formal.

Finally: When he gets the money, make him check it and show it to the light to check if it's fake or not. Remember, it could be fake.

Overall

This is incredible Jack, how much you've improved. Kinda like me reading The Last Remnant (my first novel) on Chapter one to my current rewriting XDD

Keep Writing!

-Ahmad



I want to understand you, I study your obscure language.
— Alexander Pushkin