Shoe Shopping
Promises hidden in pink patent pleather
I can make you taller
I can make you leaner
more desirable
better.
Their tantalizing whispers reel you in.
Devilish she-twins,
who are quick to tell you that
promises come with a price tag
of 89.99 U.S dollars,
along with an aching soul
coupled with aching soles
at the end of your night out on the town.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,843 Reviews
This was an amazing poem. Wonderful imagery, sharp humor, and a deep message.
My favorite lines was "Devilish she-twins".
You could use some more punctuation, especially in the first half, but that's a quick fix.
I don't know why, but the last line feels off to me. Maybe if it was just "at the end of your night out" it would sound better? I don't know. But other than that, the poem has a great flow.
I might suggest breaking it into two stanzas, I don't know where, but it feels a bit long to all be one stanza. That might just be me being weird, but it's something to think about.
That's all I can really think to say; it's just too good I guess. Still, I hope this short review helped. : )
-tgirly
Hello Charley here to review your poem!
I have to agree with @runawaylove your punctuation needs work, you need to add commas so it looks much more neater. It also helps the reader take a pause after every line so it sounds better to themselves.
I also agree with @Albanafsagia that it seems you could add more. Like it's incomplete and there's something missing from the poem, maybe you could take a moment to think about that?
Other than those two things it's brilliant, I very much liked it
Hope I helped, keep on writing. xx
-ItsCharley.
Hey, Runawaylove here to review your poem!
Now, This poem is just awesome. The descriptions are amazing. I really like the way you portrayed the fact that everything comes with a price. As a girl, I could actually feel all those things. However, i don't think the punctuation is correct.
"Shoe Shopping
Promises hidden in pink patent pleather
I can make you taller
I can make you leaner
more desirable
better."
These lines end with a full stop but in the middle there are no commas. I think to slow down the reader and to make the poem look better you should add some commas. Other than that there is absolutely nothing wrong with this poem.
That's all I have to say. I usually like long poems so I think you could make it a little longer and explain more. I enjoyed reading this. Keep writing! Hope to read more.