Tuesday, I was on a bus to the center of the city. Usually when I take a bus, I find a handsome guy and 'explore' his appearance - it's my amusement during the trip. And that case wasn't different, or so I thought in the beginning. But when I got off the bus, I heard a perfect male voice behind me that made me turned around:
- Hey! Why have you been looking at me all the way on bus? - the boy I'd been looking at asked lifting his brow up.
- You've got a pretty face. Pretty faces can't help being looked at, - I answered him, and he got it without any objections. I decided to continue the conversation, making my voice as cool as possible: - But I'm afraid you're taken...
- Yeah, if only by you, - said the boy, and I smiled without controlling it. - I'm Nicholas, - he pulled out his hand to me.
- My pleasure, I'm Kathrine, - I put palm into his, and the moment stopped.
We didn't shake our hand, we just held each other for awhile, then my conscience reminded me of my shyness, and I took out my hand, looking down.
- So... - I wanted to talk to Nicholas more. - Where do you study? - I know, this phrase usually kills any talk, but I found nothing else to say.
- I'm an engineer, - the boy answered not taking his smile and attractiveness off. - And you?
- I'm a philologist of the foreign languages.
- And what languages do you study?
- English and French.
- Cool!
I thought it would be the end of the story. But Nicholas, apparently seeing that I was nervous, saved my life:
- Where are you going now?
- Emm, I just need to cross the square to another bus stop and take another bus, - I said remembering that I wasn't just spending time - I was going to work.
- May I see you there?
I thought such things could be only in the fairytales. I answered 'of course', and we went to my next bus stop. We talked about nothing serious, just basic things like where we had been born, why we had chosen that university and etc. etc. etc. When we came to the bus stop, Nicholas waited for my bus with me, and I, who had been through that feeling (you think you've found the one, and then you're tossed), I was ready to say goodbye to the boy, when he asked for my phone number. My face started glowing with the light of a million stars. "Maybe, here it comes? That thing?.." - I wondered while spelling my number to Nicholas. I didn't ask his number back, knowing beforehand I would never text first. And I didn't say any stupid lines like "Don't forget to text me!" or 'I'll be waiting for your call" too, because my broken-too-many-times heart had already learnt that if I started to wait for something too hard and it didn't happened, I suffered too much. It was useless pain, so that time I also decided to let it go or let it be, and let Nicholas decide himself to call me or not.
I got on my bus waving to my new acquaintance, smiling mysteriously and burning up his heart with the sparks in my eyes. The best novel heroines taught me how to get a man. I spent the rest of the day trying hard not to think about Nicholas, and I was successful enough with that. I didn't even tell this little story to my neighbor not to blow things up.
The next day came with a little hope, but no call was heard, no text was received. On the third day I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't wait for Nicholas any more. In the end, he wasn't the first, he wouldn't be the last. That day I had to work in the city too, and I didn't miss my bus game. But that time my eyes didn't find anyone good enough to stare at, and I sank into reading. On my way back home my reading was interrupted by a call. I saw an unknown number on the screen of my phone and when I picked up, I heard a familiar perfect voice: "Hello, Kathrine?.."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heya, Olga! I'm here to review.
First up I'll go through some nitpicks, then I'll tell you what I liked.
I thought such things could be only in the fairytales. I answered 'of course', and we went to my next bus stop. We talked about nothing serious, just basic things like where we had been born, why we had chosen that university and etc. etc. etc.
You also wrote the conversations well, they were convincing and I could imagine your characters having those conversations.
And that case wasn't different, or so I thought in the beginning.
Because you're talking about the case in the story, you should call it this case, not that.
We didn't shake our hand, we just held each other for awhile, then my conscience reminded me of my shyness, and I took out my hand, looking down.
We didn't shake hands. Also, this sentence is quite long, perhaps try splitting it into two.
You've got one paragraph in there is quite a lot bigger than the others and it seems a little squished together. I suggest you turn it into two or three smaller paragraphs. I've done it below, as a guide, but you may wish to split it in different places. One thought is one paragraph.
Spoiler
When we came to the bus stop, Nicholas waited for my bus with me, and I, who had been through that feeling (you think you've found the one, and then you're tossed), I was ready to say goodbye to the boy, when he asked for my phone number. My face started glowing with the light of a million stars. "Maybe, here it comes? That thing?.." - I wondered while spelling my number to Nicholas.
I didn't ask his number back, knowing beforehand I would never text first. And I didn't say any stupid lines like "Don't forget to text me!" or 'I'll be waiting for your call" too, because my broken-too-many-times heart had already learnt that if I started to wait for something too hard and it didn't happened, I suffered too much. It was useless pain, so that time I also decided to let it go or let it be, and let Nicholas decide himself to call me or not.
What did I like? Your plot! It was very interesting and it was a pleasure to get to know your characters! I reckon they'll end up dating, right?
Good job and keep continuing your story!
Hello OlgaB! Care for a review?
This was rather amusing, and I thought it was quite a cute story! But there's just a few things I thought I'd mention for you to consider.
So throughout the piece, you've replaced quotation marks with dashes. This is very confusing, and you actually end up switching a bunch of punctuation around because of it! For an example:
This is a thought, correct? For thoughts, italics are a commonly used. But using quotation for thoughts makes it so that you can't use them for dialogue, because that would just be incredibly confusing for everyone!
I'm not sure why Katherine thinks herself to be shy... judging by her forwardness in her conversation with this stranger of the opposite sex, she doesn't seem shy at all! And I personally think that she, as well as you ( being her creator and all ) should embrace that!
I find this a very odd question to ask someone you literally just met. If the two of them had bumped into each other at college or something, then that would make sense, but they're at a bus stop. How is she supposed to know that he's studying something? Maybe I missed something?
I love that you have so much dialogue in this story! Dialogue is really what I find the most interesting in pieces, so good job! The thing I wanted to say about the above quote, is that it's a bit hard to tell who's talking. And by this I mean; we can tell who's talking, but we have to pay a lot of attention, and keep track of things... but it's easy to get lost, you know? So don't be afraid to say who's talking... because it really makes it nicer to read.
So here you use quotation marks for dialogue. That's good! That's what I wanted you to do earlier, instead of the dashes. And always keep consistent- it's incredibly confusing to switch the way you're doing things mid-story, because now as a reader I'm wondering if it means something different.
Anyways, that was quite a sweet story! Are we going to be hearing more from Katherine and Nicholas I wonder?
Keep it up!!!
-Socks
Okay, so I just read that the dashes thing might be what people do in some countries? Is that true? If it is, I guess disregard what I said about it. x)
Hello! Thanks for such an overall review!
Your note about "Where do you study?" question - so yes, that's my fault as an author, because I should have been explained why Kathrine chose that question. Maybe, I'll create a prequel for that.
What about my punctuation, so yes, it's true that dashes are a common thing for dialogues as well as quotation marks are for expressing thoughts in some countries. I'm from Russia, so I'm used to it and in contrast to you, I get confused of quotation marks for dialogues in English books. But I've understood now I should revise English punctuation and make it easy to read dialogues and thoughts for people from all over the world.
I'm glad that you got interested in Kathrine and Nicholas. I hope too that you will hear of them soon!
Hey, Tigerlilly here for a review!
I happened to enjoy this quite a bit, though there are a few grammar errors that I think WrittenEdge has already pointed out. It was definitely interesting, and it kept me wondering what exactly would happen between these two people. I almost fell for the thought that he wouldn't call, though my heart leaped as I read the last sentence!
I think that it was overall well written, though I think it isn't quite challenging. I find stories better with a few difficult words just to keep the reader interested and whatnot. Other than that, it is a great story. Keep writing!
Hey there! Thank you very much for your review. This story is just a beginning, one of my first works. So I will work hard to expand my abilities and try to create more interesting things ;D
Wow, that was definitely an interesting read! I actually quite liked it! Your characters were well developed, where we can differentiate your characters' personalities, and you made them fairly relatable!
Also, using dashes as quotation marks is interesting, but I know that is common in some places, like Russia and Ukraine. I like it, it's very cool!
Now, I found a few nit-picky mistakes, but they can easily be fixed whenever, like:
"I put palm into his..." should be, "I put *my palm into his..."
and, "We didn't shake our hand..." could be "We didn't shake our hand(s)." But like I said, they're just mistakes that I had noticed, and were easily fixable.
Other than that, I think it's pretty good, and it was a rather enjoyable read. Keep writing! ;D
Hello! Thanks a lot for your corrections, I'll follow your advice!
You've noticed that my punctuation is Russian, because I'm from that country, and so I'm used to dashes. I'll revise my English punctuation knowledge!:D
Hello! Thanks a lot for your corrections, I'll follow your advice!
You've noticed that my punctuation is Russian, because I'm from that country, and so I'm used to dashes. I'll revise my English punctuation knowledge!:D