I'd honestly like to be able to agree with your claim that this is completely original, but frankly, I can't.
You'd be surprised just how many poems there are about the process of writing, or components found in, a poem. However, with that in mind, I'll still critique this as a standalone piece, not dependent on either stereotype or cliche.
Ofour wrote:It is spent, no more will come.
The words within have been undone.
I cannot sequence more vibration;
It will not sound so simple, clear.
You start out with a rhyme, so when you don't follow through with it, the jump is awkward. I'd honestly say that this would be better with a solid rhyme scheme, and that's not a stance I usually take on semi-rhyming poetry. The latter 2 lines could do with a rewording, as they almost sound forced as it is now. However, if you do rewrite this as a structured rhyming piece (as I believe you should), keep the opening.
I thought that I
Could write a poem:
Invoke flaming passion
Or burning feeling
Or heroic oration
'flaming passion' and 'burning feeling' are, in essence, the same thing. With that said, specify just what type of flaming passion you mean. It's an oft-used descriptor, and I believe you could come up with a more fitting and refreshing image on your own. Be bold; make your own phrases, combine words in new ways.
Pah
I am not special, I am imperfect:
Residual flaws and reflected faults
Curse my fingers as the pen rolls
From left to right and I slowly
Realise that it is not possible
To transpose pure thought to paper.
“The pen is mightier than the sword”
Pah
the 'not special' statement seems rather irrelevant to the main point, so I'd nix it. However, the second line is well worded, and the two following it flow well together. The ending quote and subsequent 'Pah' seem an ending born of desperation, and I know you can do better than that. But you get props for using the British spelling of 'realis[/z]e'. So...yeah.
Overall, instate a proper rhyme scheme, and when you do, be sure to focus on flow. Cut out the points that are of no purpose, and try and condense the whole piece; it should add a desirable bite of potency. (remember, every word truly does count).
Irrevocably yours,
~The CCF
Points: 4190
Reviews: 36
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