Published May 7, 2007
Fluent
Sliding melody
Bellows thought through
Sweet vibration
Coerced by finger,
Thumb and bow.
Resonate, fine 'cello,
With my passion freed
By someone else's song
That flows through
Tainted arm while
Flying high and drifting
Down or up to climax
With unmarked crescendo
Burning fuel of art as
Light vibrato sings
And a final note bids
Return to quiet
Emptiness.
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140,590 Literary Works • 673,544 Reviews
I must say, a beautiful poem. Simple, yet moving. Exemplary.
I quouted the entire poem, to emphasize my point. The imagry and word choice were so well done, that It made this entire poem come to life. Excellent and if I were you, I'd send this somewhere to get published.
-Pros
This is more staccato-esque then my tastes generally prefer, and though it lends a sort of stark depth to each line, with your current lack of punctuation it seems to ramble. When I read this, it was really all in one rushed breath, as I didn't know where to pause. However, your word choice is pristine, and allows a sort of elegance to reside here, but the wordy/rushing flow really does hamper that quality.
Moving on... Perhaps you should tap into poetic devices more? Well-used metaphors can add a real profound potency to poetry (woot for alliterations), and I think that could be beneficial to both you and this piece.
Your emotive language used here:
was really quite excellent, and it allowed for some nice imagery. I'd recommend trying to better link together these images, so a full scene or series of scenes can be imagined. On top of that, work on allowing your reader to feel what you felt. Relate these abstractions to familiar things (again, back to the metaphors) and allow the reader himself to relate. Once you master conveying emotion through your writing, it's truly only a matter of picking an interesting subject; so that's something you should definitely focus on.
All in all, you have delicate strings of images, that suffer from poor flow and a lack of emotive links. Work on the latter two, and you should find yourself much improved.
All the best,
~CCF
Didn't I?
I tried, at least.
Love the musicality of it ^_^ That being said, I wish there was more than just the feeling of a crescendo/decrescendo; I wish you'd taken us through a whole piece/ spectrum of music.
Muy Bien! me encanta tu 'poem' (not sure how to say it in spanish!)
Anyways i really liked how it flowed off the tongue while reading it. i also liked how i felt almost connected to it...maybe because i also play the cello, and the viola...i don't know but i liked it.
I agree with Kitty15...maybe an apostrophe after fluent would make it a bit better...not that it really needs much of anything!
anyways, i would really like to see more of your writing!
gracias!
---Lora
"Oh, and why is there a rogue apostrophe before "cello"?" - lol, read the previous posts.
I can totally imagine 'Emptiness' being said in an over-dramatic gasp
Oh, and why is there a rogue apostrophe before "cello"?
Your transition in the middle could be a bit more...erm... yes. It could be a bit more.
Moving on...
Overall, I liked it. Nice imagery, and I think you could touch on some of those images more. Don't fear using metaphors--it could really lend some emotion to these images.
The structure of this piece was very imaginative and I like the connections to music throughout your writing. I'm very tempted to place a comma after fluent though. Not only will this add to your slow introduction but it also makes it easier to read and keeps people like Claudette and me off your back.
The vocabulary you use is very good and adds to the mature, eloquent feel that so many other people have mentioned. I particularly liked your use of the word 'resonate.' Also, I love the ideas behind this and it conveys emotion very well.
I'm not so sure about your ending. Something about the word 'emptiness' doesn't feel right and it's very important for the end to make a huge impact. I think I don't like that the word has three sylables while the starting word has just two. Perhaps 'abyss' or 'chasm' or there's always 'void' or 'vacuum.'
Hope some of my suggestions helped,
Heather xx
I knew it was an abbreviation, just wasn't sure of what. And I obviously come from a very lax culture, as I've never seen "cello" with an apostrophe in front of it.
Again, nothing big.
"tainted arms" seems kind of off mostly because I wasn't sure why the arm would be tainted...didn't seem to fit in with the mood of the poem" - "tainted" means "imperfect" here. Because they are my arms, not those of the music's writer, they are tainted with my feelings and emotions, instead of his or hers, and so do not play the piece that they wrote (hence "My" Music) but what a piece that I am adding to.
This piece definitely had a very nice, beautiful flow to it that did indeed resmeble a piece of music. The only thing I saw was that the line that said "tainted arms" seems kind of off mostly because I wasn't sure why the arm would be tainted...didn't seem to fit in with the mood of the poem, of course that might just be me. Anyways, this is an awesome write!
"That, and the apostrophe before "'cello" kind of bothers me. It's something that really shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does. It may be a regional thing, though." - 'Cello is an abbreviation of Violoncello, and so requires an apostrophe.
Personally, I liked this poem. I was reminded vividly of how passionate I was with playing my flute. The imagry was beautiful, almost as if I was being walked through a piece of music.
Keep up the great writing. :]
I'm with Claudette on the punctuation thing. I'm not used to not having little dots and dashes telling me how to read it.
That, and the apostrophe before "'cello" kind of bothers me. It's something that really shouldn't bother me, but it kind of does. It may be a regional thing, though.
I really liked it. Being a cello player myself, I could see someone doing this. I know the feeling of playing a beautiful piece and thinking afterward, "Why can't I write anything this good!"
Great job
I too really liked this, the peotry was beautiful and yet it seemed effortless
It was fantastic!
If you mean picked up on the musical terms that you slid in in several places then yes I did, and I started to picture written music in my mind because of it, so ifthis was what you were going for then you accomplished it! again I felt that it wasn't like you sat down and said "OK, where can I put in a few more musical terms?" it was natural and added a depth to the poem as though it was accompanied by music... in short I loved the references to the instruments and to the theoretical aspects of music.
I have nothing at all negative to say
-Gen
I intended this piece to resemble a piece of music. It starts slowly, as Claudette says, because many pieces begin with a introduction that picks up pace gradually. The whole poem is supposed to reflect exactly how a piece is played, I wanted to know everyone's thoughts on how effectively it does this and if you picked up on any of the little hints (although many were subconscious for me).
lol I found no problem with "down or up to climax"
I'm so tempted to place commas and periods and the like in all these places, but it is so beautiful without.
The beginning flowed slowly for me (due to the punctuation thing, but that is more of my reading and not your writing.) but once I got past the first few lines it flowed beautifully. The words are like the way you would play the 'cello. I'm not sure what else I can say?
Bravo
I liked the flow and thought the piece was altogether very eloquent. I think the style was also very nice, with the one word ending and beginning and gradual change in structure. I agree that "Down or up to climax" does not seem as artful and flowing as the rest of the poem. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.
This is beautiful and fluent, it flows off the tongue. You've created poetry of the recitation of imagery, which is an artform of itself. It'd like to see more of a statement in another one of your works (perhaps the title, "not my music", touches the nerves of envy?), but I still enjoyed this post just as much.
Note, to retain eloquency, I'd rephrase this line. It feels awkward:
"Down or up to climax "