Published May 10, 2007
I am a different
Person to this skin
And face.
I cannot be contained,
Defined, analysed by
Someone else for even
I am not really
Sure that I know
Me.
I have been captured
Here and there, in
Memory or photograph,
But what these hold
Is not enough
To show who and what
Makes me,
For there is only
One who can say “I
Know you” and I
Still don’t know
If even he
Exists.
[Last of the set of four]
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,594 Reviews
Alright, once again present are the staccato line breaks and lack of punctuation. When combined, these elements can greatly detract from a poem's flow, and I'm afraid that that's true for this piece as well. On a similar note, your insistence to capitalize the first letter of every line really hampers the beauty of this. Only capitalize where it adds to the poem; it isn't a necessity.
Now let's take a closer look at this, stanza by stanza.
This hardly makes sense. I can stretch a meaning out of it, but I shouldn't have to. Being subtle or ambiguous is something entirely different then just wording things wrong, and this is leaning far to the latter. For now, let's hope that you better explain this later in the poem.
L1 is a rather concrete statement, but following it are total abstracts. Because of this, you never expand upon that statement, and I'm left wondering. Also, look at your wording here. "I cannot be contained, defined, analysed by someone else for even I am not really suer that I know me." It's rather redundant and borderline circular. That's not good. On top of that, this seems separate from S1, so you haven't developed your idea at all, you've just jumped to a different aspect.
to show who and what makes you what, exactly? You never complete this thought, and it leaves this stanza and this idea feeling unfinished and jerky. Also, S3L1 totally contradicts S2L1, and that goes even further to separate these already very jumpy stanzas. Yes, you've got a common theme between them, but that isn't enough.
You start out this, the last stanza, with a sort of continuation. 'For there is...', as if you're offering an explanation to something that precedes this. However, you don't totally accomplish that. Instead, you just add another detail to this portrayal of yourself, and it doesn't do much to properly link the other stanzas. In addition, the actual conclusion, that this unnamed person might not exist, leaves much to be desired. It seems a cop-out closing, that just offers another ambiguous bit of information, without satisfactorily saying anything at all.
To sum it up, this poem didn't make me feel anything, and it didn't offer much insight into whatever paradox you were trying to relate. It left me wondering 'what's the point'? I'd try approaching this in a different way, try to interest the reader, rather then alienate them. You've got nice linguistics, now apply them.
Best of luck,
~CCF
I liked the whole poem. It really flowed nicely for me. I've always loved the simple poems that have a lot of meaning.
The only part that through me off of a bit was this stanza:
1.
I cannot be contained,
Defined, analysed by
Someone else for even
I am not really
Sure that I know
Me.
**When I first read it I didn't really get it. I think it has something to do with punctuation. It's just the way even is displayed. It took me a while to understand what the whole stanza was saying.
Great job on this.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I... liked it. I think. There are elements here that I usually mention in a critique as needing work, but here, everything just works. I really liked the last stanza especially, by the way, and in general, though it got better the further I got into the poem.
I like it, especially the last stanza. I'd suggest laying some of the lines out differently though;
"By someone else
For even I
Am not really sure
that I know
Me".
"In memory or photograph"
"I know you"
"And I still don't know".
I just think it would flow a bit better that way. I'd suggest reading it aloud, and then writing it as you say it, paying attention to where you pause and slow down, and which words you stress (the ones you stress should usually be the isolated ones).
Overall, I liked the theme and felt you expressed yourself well.
i liked this quite alot. also claudette is right, the capital letters aren't right. but i really liked it other than that, it was great.
muy bien!
---Lora
My main gripe with this is the line breaks. They totally threw me off in parts, and made me stumble--not a good thing.
Read around, happy breathing, etc. etc.
~Ed
I really liked this.
My only suggestion (as I can't think of anything else, or any problem I have with it) is that I think it would look smoother if you only capitalized when necessary, rather than at the beginning of lines. I think it would look "cleaner" like that. It looks bunched up, and since the sentences go past a line, the capital letters just confuse me.
I think this poem would work really well if you improved the rhythm of it because the flow seems to pause in places. A few suggestions...
I am a different 'different' seems a bit weak and there are so many better words that would make for a stronger introduction.
Person to this skin Perhaps flesh instead of skin, that way you get alliteration with face.
And face.
I cannot be contained,
Defined, analysed by I like these two lines. Very powerful.
Someone else;
I am not sure that I know
Me.
I have been captured
Here and there, in
Memory or photograph,
But what these hold
Is not enough Does not surfice would sound better.
To show who and what
Makes me, Maybe it should be make because you have a plural in the above line if you can see what I mean.
For there is only
One who can say “I
Know you” and I
Still don’t know
If even he
Exists. The ending is simple but effective so well done there!
Overall, your rhythm and use of language aren't as good as in some of your other poetry but this piece has the potential to be great so good luck with any changes you may decide to make.
I like your poem very much, I really like the ending "If even he
Exists."
It sounds pretty cool! Keep up the good work on the poetry, storys, and all those type if things! If you ever want any feed back PM me!
FireArris