Published June 16, 2007
Is it much to ask,
For normal?
Work all day
And half the night for me,
Wake up an hour earlier,
Get back a little later.
Should I feel guilty
That it is me
Who causes this?
Or should I feel...
Normal?
Going round in circles
Of the Mind,
Thinking backwards, or
Upside-down.
So much and so little
Truth.
In the end,
Although I shouldn’t,
I’ll just say:
“Thanks”.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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141,736 Literary Works • 675,643 Reviews
Not bad. Not bad.
I liked it, but I didn't love it - although I have no words as to why I think it could be better. Sorry I am no help.
The way the lines are set really works for me. It gives the poem a really serious tone and makes it simple yet meaningful so I'll say that it doesn't need much more. Maybe like an added stanza though. I don't know but the whole thing just seemed a little short and in need of something. Something with just a little more feeling. I don't know if that makes since or not. Otherwise I really liked it. Great job on this!
Keep at it!
~Rieda
I liked the way the stanzas and lines were structured-I think that worked well.
However, I'm pretty sure it's "around", not "round", which annoys me no end
I thought kind of "meh" at the first three stanzas, like it is just a rant-y "why me" kind of poem, but the end redeemed it.
I'm not a fan of the every-line-capitalized form, but that's just me, so I should just bite my tongue ^_^
so...anyways...before all of this got just a bit off subject...
i agree with Claudette and Whence. it was all very good, except that i to really didn't understand much of what you were trying to say. now i definitely know that i am not the best writer...so never take anything i say to seriously...unless of course more experienced writers say the same thing, then you might listen. but anyways other than that MUY BIEN!
---Lora
Yay! Off-topicness is great!
Yeah, I'm afraid that's my fault. Well technically Ofour's on the other hand. You see, he got a place in my competition so I critiqued a few of his dramatic poems and therefore bumped them. There again, if I hadn't started the contest...
on second thought, never mind :p
I was under the impression that you posted four Dramatic poems in a day; but it was just some bumps
happy writing
~Ed
"oh, and piece-flooding is generally frowned upon :p" - what flooding?
I think I get what Claw means (can you ever really be certain with her?).
The subject is touched upon, but you don't provide details to this particular instance. Stick in some imagery; and a metaphor/simile could help.
Read it from a reader's perspective. Try to make us feel what you felt when writing it. I can see what you felt, but I don't feel it myself.
(oh, and piece-flooding is generally frowned upon :p)
I liked it, but I think it needs something added to it.
I can only guess at what you were writing about, which disappointed me a little. It was good, but I'm not entirely sure what it was about? Not that it should be obvious, but perhaps I'm saying that you could show it better? I seem to not know what I mean X_X
My only other problem with this is that I couldn't feel anything from it. But, beyond that, it was well written.
I don't like the line "of the mind" it doesn't seem to relate to "Going round in circles", to me, at least.
EDIT: Reading over it, I should be more clear on what I mean about about the meaning. It does make sense to me--I get it. It's just...vague? And the fourth stanza seems out of place. Hope that makes more sense...