Published March 28, 2007
"well-past noon" - I may be wrong but I feel as if that hyphen is not necessary.
"& daygrogged
spittleslobbed & wistful" - as a matter of personal pickiness I prefer the word "and".
I enjoyed this. The rhythm was very good, and, although I don't know why, the finality of the ending was greatly emphasised by the rhythm. A good read.
Gurby
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XD Brad, you're incorrigible. Or should I say "encourage-able"? Mighty quip.
what is snooze?
I didn't say it was forced rhyming, it was just that, being the beginning of the poem, you're pretty much open for anything.
Kit -
Indeed, the original title had been "flirting after cumming"...
Regards,
Brad
May I use my little, fumbled and ill-worded knowledge to dispute the noble opinions preceding mine, even though trying to shred Inc's work is a worthy cause, one I subscribe to with a fundamentalist's fervor.
Ofour, the free verse, the punctuation, the lack of capital letters these are hallmarks of modernist poetry. Think of- Inc you're going to stab me for saying this- ee cummings. Inc's not being n00bish, he can type 'and' if he wants to, he's made a conscious decision not to. It works in the context, of the lazy, intimate euphoria. Embrace the freedom and the satire of the freedom. Read "Archy and Mehitabel" by Don Marquis.
Chevy, I disagree with you on the first lines too, it wasn't forced rhyming, it was using assonance to create a warm languid atmosphere.
I love the "daygrogged & spittleslobbed", that's exactly the feeling. And the rhythm of those compound words grounds the softer alliteration of the "wistful whispering". The idyllic tenderness of '(of love)' is likewise grounded by the parenthesis, setting it apart while leaving it almost as an afterthought among the deliciously heady haze.
That is sexy. Stubble-laden manjaw.
I love your tone throughout, actually, though I sense the irony in it. But I like how you toy with rhyme and assonance without letting it dominate your phrases, it gives it such a lightness, this casual intricacy. "(lurid) curtains" is divinity, I want its babies.
Man, giving you feedback when I can't find anything wrong with it makes me feel like such a suck. **thwacks you**
convivial hostilities,
Kit
The attitude of this piece seemed to be very short and to the point. Also a little rush, but it sounded great. Not only did I read through it smoothly, but I seemed to grasp all the imagery and such. Only one thing:
mate slept
well-past noon
(after consuming
red tablets of snooze)
with these being the first four lines, because of the similar rhthym, it sounds an awful lot like forced rhyming which made my stomach turn a little bit. But that might just be me.