Published May 13, 2009
Pin-pricking, shivering waves, flooding veins.
Hollow and heavy, my breath stampeding, racing;
a race toward certainty.
Unconsciously coherent; believing misconceptions.
The world crawling at its knees,
encroaching.
You wake upon your toes,
cramped
and
careening.
LIKE FLOATING IN TRANSCENDENTAL
PEROXIDE.
"believe me, i'm lieing."
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Canary word: Present
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141,721 Literary Works • 675,616 Reviews
I liked it, concise but it worked.
Up to the capitalised line it got the message across well, good imagery, word choice. You built up a nice 'vortex effect: being dragged down by monotony of life... well thats what I get out of it anyway.
I didn't understand the penultimate line about peroxide, but I don't think it should've been capitalised: this gives thoughts of yelling and the line is too intellectually eloquent to be yelled: people don't have that sor of vocab when they are angry, so it didn't really work for me.
As for the last line, I liked it, but then I didn't. The first time I read it I felt you were trying to hard to be 'clever' and end with a paradox that didn't really fit the poem. But when I read it again the jarring lessesned and it seemed to find its place. So I would levae it in
Maybe un-capitalise the line before it and isolate it more... put it a couple of lines down? I think that would add to the poem, but it is your piece so do as you will.
Nice though
Hello there!
Typically, I don't care for poems with a scattererd structure or none at all, but I think it works for this. Although I must say, I did feel like you were yelling at me a bit down at the end. There is a lot of mystery going. I like when the reader has to think to find the meaning in a poem. I especially like the last line. I have few nit picky things, But I won't bother saying them because you clearly set up your poem this way for a reason. Very interesting.