Published June 24, 2009
A whisper of a word;
too grim to bear the sound.
You carry on with fears and dreams,
praying death won't come around.
Wearing your heart on your sleeve,
the thousand souls line up to break it.
Save your breath and don't look back,
your life depends on just one hit.
Glance around the crimson fields,
your smile won't last long.
Hold tightly to your country's pride,
for this is where you belong.
When death's blanket covers friends so dear,
a lone warrior you become.
Rage pervades your battered heart,
as the wind cries a somber anthem.
Caught by surprise; a rapid fire,
pain permeates all too fast.
You bite your lip to prevent a scream,
but the agony is too tough to outlast.
As silent as a falling leaf,
there's one last wish you mutter:
"May my loved ones that await me,
never once shall they suffer."
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Overall, the rhyme was good. You kept to a consistent scheme which really helped it. My only quibbles are "break it" and "one hit" and "become" and "anthem." They don't rhyme exactly, though "become" and "anthem" are close enough. "Break it" and "one hit" however sound quite a bit different. For one, the it of "break it" sounds more like "kit." When rhyming, the last syllable isn't the only one you need to pay attention to. Notice how "make it" is a better rhyme for "break it?" On the other hand, "won it" is a better rhyme for "one hit."
I'll admit that I'm being really nitpicky with the rhyme in this case, but I think that if you play around with it a bit, you'll come up with a better rhyme.
Another thing that threw off the rhyme a bit was the inconstant rhythm. A good rhyme scheme helps establish a rhythm, which is why rhymes tend to sound good. On the other hand, a good rhyme also needs a good rhythm, and if the rhythm is off, the rhyme suffers. Compare "the pot is hot" and "take the pot and put it on the stove until it becomes very hot." The first example is more catchy because the rhyme is right there, and there is a set rhythm. In the second example, even though two rhyming words are present, you don't feel like there is a rhyme because of the rhythm of the sentence.
An example of how you can modify the rhythm:
It's not perfect, but it sounds a little nicer, doesn't it?