Yes, I changed it hope you all like it??
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Narrator: Before moving to Paris there was a girl named Marinette which is a sweet, kind, and beautiful girl that loves music and fashion. But she is moving from China to Paris so she is going to be a new girl at school and the reason why she is moving is that someone very special to her got killed in a car crash when she was only 3 years old. But tomorrow is going to be a brand new day because she is going to school and she can’t wait. (If you don’t know who died keep reading)
Alya: “Hey guys have you heard about the new girl that is coming to our school today?”
Nino: “Yo, no way I didn’t know that at all, it wasn’t on my phone.”(Looks at his phone to find it)
Adrien: “Wow I didn’t know either but if she has an amazing personality, a great life, and just not rude and wanting money, I am breaking up with Chloe for good. The reason why is…”
1. She is so annoying
2. She texts me way too much
3. She is getting on my nerves every day and every night.
Alya: “Adrien, that would be amazing! But haven’t you noticed the stuff she does to us when you are not around? Here take a look at this.¨(Shows Adrien her phone of what Chloe has done to them when they have dated.)
Adrien: (He looks at her phone then looks up and sees Marinette and said) “Guys, look she’s here!” (Points at Marinette with her cute smile)
Narrator: When everyone heard Adrien, they all looked at the door to see her looking around at everyone and smiling at everyone when she sees new people and thinking how awesome everyone looks in their awesome outfits as she said to herself in her head, girls were whispering nice things like, “OMG I wish I was her, with a smile like that, and the amazing outfit because look at the guys and how they are falling in love and blushing at her.” The guys were falling in love, blushing, and whispering to each other saying, “I wish she was my girl forever and I knew what her name was.”
Marinette: (Looks down at paper in her hand and reads first period, looks around, and starts walking toward Alya because she loved her fashion and style.) “Hi I’m Marinette and I love your outfit, oh and do you know where this classroom is?” (Gives Alya the paper)
Alya: “Hi I’m Alya, it’s nice to meet such a nice kind-hearted girl and thank you for the compliment, oh and yes I’m in this class, so do these two Adrien and Nino.” (Points at Adrien and Nino as they waved at her and smiling too)
Nino: “Yo, nice to meet you Marinette, I’m Nino and just like my girlfriend said.”(Pointing at Alya who is blushing as he said that) “You are a kind-hearted, beautiful young lady.” (Blushes with a smile and looks at Adrien)
Adrien: “Hi I’m Adrien Agreste, famous model, and it’s nice to meet you Marinette, and you are what Nino and Alya said but I hope I get to know you more and see what we both have in common.” (Blushes)
Marinette: “You all are the kindest people I have ever met. Thank you and nice to meet you three and can I walk with you all to the first period?” (Smiles sweetly)
Adrien: (Gets a message from Chloe saying: Adrikins why are you by that new girl, come here, and leave them alone?!?!) “Let me take care of this please I’ll be right back I promise and then we will answer your question.” (Points at phone and walks over to Chloe)
Well I do have a problem one is I need a writing partner and two I have no money for the next one>
Hi! Manilla here for a review. Let's get right into it, shall we?
This sounds like a movie trailer to me, not a typical prose story. So therefore, I'll review it a little bit differently. Right off the bat we're introduced to Elizabeth Bower, a seemingly perfect girl with a cool new life. She sounds like such a friendly person, and this contrasts with the bad girl Rose Baker.
Together, they discover the ultimate weapon - the magical, enchanted blade.
When bodies start turning up all over France, Elizabeth begins looking for Rose.
So I am guessing that this is LGBT friendly, which is unique for this type of story. Imagine a scarily awesome female vampire. Rose has great potential that is hard to see in this short introduction. Although, isn't Taylor a human and american name?
They never met, yet Elizabeth already has a weapon to stop her. We only got descriptions, but they were lacking some detail. "Smart" is a common word, so maybe use something like "clever" or "sharp -witted." The same stands for everyone else to waver from normality.
This is fantasy, so a backstory surrounding the world or species would benefit greatly. The humans hate vampires, but there is no context to that. Vampires and pixies are quite contrasting and I'd like to see more of this.
~S.M.Locke~
Points: 38
Reviews: 1
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