The Rusty Blade will go into my heart.
It will be my choice.
Abandon hope?
Or keep going.
What will fate choose?
I'll stay strong till the Carnival of Hypocrites dies.
I will take to the skies and strike fear.
Put a sad face on him.
As he is a freak.
Drop blood on the Circus Tent.
But they will keep going.
I'll stay strong till the Carnival of Hypocrites dies.
To be hung on a tree and laughed at.
To scream of the top of my lungs.
I will join the Carnival of Hypocrites.
Thus making me a sinner?
Take the Rusty blade out of my heart and fall to my death.
Die?
I'll stay strong till the Carnevale di ipocriti is dead.
Carnevale di ipocriti.
Whisper the words,
"Die my children."
The wind will pull me.
I'll stay strong till the Carnival of Hypocrites is dead.
Just because I cry,
does not mean I am sad.
Will I cry out my blood.
And die?
I fall into a fetal position.
I'll stay strong till the Carnival of Hypocrites dies.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello there. :3
You have a really different poem. The name carnival of hypocrites is very interesting. Kind of catchy! But my friend this poem had some loose ends. The narrator was a bit confused on his state of mind. Some of the stanzas were very well put together and some were a bit confusing.
Nitpicks:
First you say that it will be your choice and then you leave it all on fate. This was a bit confusing. You cannot keep both of these things together. If you are fighting for something you need to keep a strong mind set on what you are going to do. And was a particular reason on capitalizing rusty blade? Because it looks kind of odd!
What did you mean when you said, “he is a freak”? Who is he here?
Now this stanza was a bit different from the others. In the others you talked about being strong and fighting till the death of the carnival and here you are giving up and dying a miserable and shameful death. Didn’t expect this to happen! And I think that the second line should be in this way: “To scream at the top of my lungs.”
Didn’t you join the carnival of hypocrites? If you joined them then how will you stay strong until they are dead? This is confusing! >.<
In the second line if you change the “does not” to “doesn’t”, then the stanza will be more into the flow. And reading “does not” separately, feels a bit awkward in this line so doesn’t should fit well. In the third line, after blood there should be no period as the line continues.
The narrator is fighting with himself. Will he surrender or will he fight till the end? But it is a bit confusing for the reader to get it at first. But I think after reading it for two to three times they’ll understand but it will just waste their time. I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
First of all, I would like to point out some discrepancies
followed almost immediately by
also:
Which makes this narrator both rebellious and pathetic. Not an attractive combination.
Your lines didn't appear to tie together.
This left me the over all impression of: Whaaat? The wind will pull you were? Why do you want your kids to die? Why do you want to die? Do you want to die? WHAT IS GOING ON?!!! I DON"T UNDERSTAND!!!!
Overall, I didn't like it. I applaud the try at repetition, but the lines repeated need to be stronger.
Good attempt, I see where you're going, but this isn't quite there yet.