Again, fifty points additional to those who critique this due to its sheer length. Please point out any mistakes! Thanks! Also, please tell me if you don't understand, and what you don't understand. ^^ I will try to fix it.
-Start-
Chapter 1
Under typical circumstances, a teen who misspells their name would not get into much trouble. Perhaps chided lightly by their parents, but never anything serious. It wasn’t something that would change your life.
Unfortunately for Rayne, hers wasn’t a typical circumstance.
They named her Rain Sinclair when she was born. It meant that she was the eighteenth embryo of the Sinclair batch.
She stared at the paper in front of her, pen in hand. Everybody in the world would turn a year older today, herself included. She, along with the others in the Sinclair batch, would turn eighteen. She should sign the card and submit it to the android waiting outside. Rain glanced at the white door and sighed.
R-A-I-N.
It sounded so plain. It wasn’t a unique name at all. Plenty of other girls in the other batches have been named Rain too. She knew because she heard the android talking to a girl from a different batch. A little girl who was also named Rain. She chewed her lower lip. She didn’t want to be known as Rain. No. She wanted to be different.
But every time someone called her Rain she turned. She couldn’t imagine turning to the name Resha, or Regina. No, she needed something that sounded like her name.
R-A-Y-N-E.
It was still pronounced Rain, wasn’t it? They’d never notice the difference. The corners of her lips twitched into a smile. Yes, from now on, she’d be known as Rayne Sinclair.
She finished signing the card and slipped it under the closed door. The android picked it up and Rayne waited with bated breath. Would the android return a blank card and tell her to spell her name properly? She pressed her ear to the door, hoping to hear something.
Footsteps echoed through the hall outside. Excitement welled up in her. Yes, she wasn’t Rain any more. She was Rayne now. The same, yet different. She grinned and flicked away a strand of black hair.
She was doing her stretching exercises when the door opened. Rayne expected to see her teacher at the doorway but to her surprise, no one was there. The door simply stood open. Rayne blinked. Wasn’t her teacher going to come and pick her up, lead her to her daily lessons?
She peeked outside the door. The white hall seemed to stretch on forever. She knew where it would lead if she turned right. But what if she turned to the left…?
Would it hurt for her to just explore the Institution for once? She never actually saw all of it; she saw only the parts she passed on her way to the shooting range. And all the hallways she passed on her way there were white, with floors of white marble, walls of white paint and ceilings of white cement.
Rayne glanced down the opposite end of the hallway. There was no one. She bit her lower lip and smiled. This was not good. This was wrong. They told her never to run away, or else Father would be very angry. He’d come searching for her and he’d kill her, they said. But can he? Rayne thought herself better than the other Differs they trained here.
Rayne stole one last glance down the hallway before running away. She headed towards the left, away from her classroom. She felt lighter; free. Father needn’t come look for her. She’d come back tonight. She just wanted to see the world as it was, with all its brilliant colors.
She turned left every time she could. She had to get away from her lesson.
Rayne stopped running when she heard footsteps coming towards her. She scanned the hallway for a hiding place but all she saw were identical white doors with golden knobs. All of them ajar. Quickly, Rayne chose one and slipped inside the room. She made sure to leave the door as she found it – slightly open.
The room was an exact replica of her own, except that her bed was messy while the bed in this room was made. She heard voices around the corner and quickly dove under the bed.
“I suppose it’s fair to let her rest on the one holiday the world has, but I’m worried about her,” said a voice she recognized as her teacher’s.
“Why?” The stiff, cold voice could only belong to an android.
“She’s strange. And the egg used to create her was one from an Affiliate’s mistress. What if she walks down the same path her mother did?”
“Her mother was a civilian,” said the android. “Rayne is a Differ. She knows things her egg donor never will.”
Their voices became louder as they approached, as did their footsteps. But one sound made Rayne’s heart flutter. It made her excited, so much that she wanted to peek outside and risk getting caught. It was the flutter of wings - the soft flapping of an angel’s wings.
“It doesn’t change anything. What if something does happen to her?”
“You act as if she is your child. Perhaps your angel hasn’t been sufficiently broken?”
The fluttering stopped and a whimper replaced it.
“She’s doing her job,” snapped her teacher.
“You have become attached to the angel. She must be replaced.”
“Whether or not Father likes it, everybody bonds with their angel. We can’t all be emotionless chunks of metal.”
Rayne suppressed a giggle.
“I am not merely ‘chunks of metal.’ I am much more than that. I am – “
“The future of artificial intelligence, I know. I’ve heard it all before so don’t remind me of it any more than you need to.”
Their voices faded. The footsteps became more and more distant until Rayne couldn’t hear them any more. She crawled out from under the bed and crept out the room. A smile playing on her lips, she ran towards the other direction. How long could she play this game before she got caught?
Suddenly, someone yanked her collar and pushed her on the floor roughly. Rayne managed to break her fall, get up and face her assailant. To her surprise, it was an android. It seemed as if the game was over.
“What are you doing here?” demanded the android.
“I-I got lost on my way to my lesson,” Rayne stammered..
“You’re of the Sinclair batch, aren’t you?”
Rayne wondered how the android could tell. Did she look so similar to the others from her batch? In fact, how did she look? She could tell the color of her hair, and that her hair was long and wavy, but what else about her appearance did she truly know? She was pale-skinned, she was…what?
“You don’t have lessons today. You are being released. You will leave at once, Civilian.”
Rayne’s eyes brightened. A civilian, eh? She could leave and come back tonight. By tonight they’d be searching for her. By tonight everything would be cleared. For now, she was going to go out into the world and do everything she wanted to. Run, skip, mingle with people.
“Yes, ma’am.” Rayne scrambled to get up and sprinted out of the building with a grin on her face.
As she burst through the final two white doors, warmth greeted Rayne’s face. She looked up and squinted at the sun before looking around her. Identical buildings, all white. But their shapes were fascinating. And the streets! The little alleys between the buildings and the gray color of the pavement were beautiful to Rayne’s eyes. But most of all, Rayne loved the green plants that lined the streets. The trees by the road and the grass outside the buildings were an obnoxious green color.
The civilians walked around, followed by their angels. She trembled with excitement. The angels had majestic wings, pure and white. She wanted to touch one so much. Her teacher told her she would eventually hunt wild angels. Beautiful, savage and majestic wild angels. She’d capture them, he’d told her, and she’s give them to Father. Father would love it very much if she captured one, her teacher said. They weren’t easy to find, apparently, but Rayne knew she would capture one soon.
The angels all wore a white coat over their clothes. Did wild angels wear white coats too, or was this something Father imposed on the broken ones? It didn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter.
The people wore strange clothes in different designs. Rayne had never worn anything but her white blouse and white pleated skirt. Everything in the institution was white, and she was sick of it.
Here outside though, the people wore different colors. Some wore plaid red and black coats; others wore bright yellow clothes. Some wore vibrant orange shirts, and others preferred blue. And they all acted differently, walking their own way, unmindful of each other. They spoke to their angels and lived their lives. Rayne saw the world as it was for the first time.
And she loved every bit of it, not knowing that everything would go wrong later that night.
--
Thanks for taking the time to read!
End of chapter
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On Character: We've only met one character properly, but be that as it may you've developed Rayne's character remarkably given the short amount of time. We definitely want to see more of her character as she is a credible and therefore intriguing person. Even those couple of characters who we only saw briefly, like the android and teacher, are pretty strong characters given the airtime you've given them. You've used dialogue to its full potential there. Very emotive and strong.
On Setting: We do have a basic picture of the setting, but you could expand it slightly without compromising too much on the story. Perhaps a little description of the corridors etc. What is it exactly that Rayne sees when she leaves the room? This is what she is interested in. Surely she should notice it! You've given us a vivid picture of exactly what she sees on the way to the shooting range, but we are sorely lacking in description of where she goes now. All we know about is white doors with golden doorknobs. Why doesn't she look around and notice crackless walls, or perhaps carpeted or tiled floors, or maybe even a change in scenery? If it was exactly the same as where she usually went tell us that as well.
On Context: You've done a great job here as well. You've balanced giving us enough information to keep us satisfied, while still giving us the mysterious elements necessary to force us to read further. Just a couple of suggestions here. They're not vital but might help a little, so here goes:
On Dialogue: There isn't that much here, but what there is, I love.
On Repetition, and holding the reader's attention: I've changed my mind about what I said to you yesterday in chat. The name story works at the beginning of the chapter. It's only after you use so much repetition that it becomes a bore.
It's little things like these that detract from your story.
Conclusion: I really loved this first part of your story. The piece had a irresistible touch, and I would really like to read more. "
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Re: Requiem
Postby Master_Yoda on Thu Jun 11, 2009 4:42 pm
Hey Kara,
Firstly, don't worry about the fifty additional points please. I have enough points to meet my needs, and have had no trouble with regard to my "point-bills" since shortly after I joined.
Let's talk about your story now.
Let's start with my overall impression of the piece: From what I can see, it looks like you're building a book with similar aspects to "The Island". I don't know if you've seen that movie, but in it humans are grown in batches, have no individuality, and are pretty much all happy and uninquisitive about the world out there. Except for the main character... I'm not saying that your story is downright plagiarism, but I'm saying that you might want to try add a couple more original aspects to the setting specifically of your story.
That said, I was still amazed by the almost flawless confidence that is apparent in your writing. You have drive, and it looks like you know exactly where you're headed. To me as a reader, this is a sign of top-class writing, and together with your interesting writing style, I'd definitely carry on reading.
They named her Rain Sinclair when she was born. It meant that she was the eighteenth embryo of the Sinclair batch.
I think that you can afford to mention exactly why the name meant she was the eighteenth embryo at this stage of the game. I don't think this is a matter of suspense and you can therefor afford to tell us what you mean here without compromising on whether or not we want to carry on reading: we do!
She knew because she heard the android talking to a girl from a different batch.
You don't need to elaborate here, as at this stage we don't need to know how she knew. This might be taken for granted, in which case you don't need to tell your readers, but at worst it'll just act as something we're interested in. You can explain this at any stage, and avoid looking like you're trying to justify your character's actions.
“Her mother was a civilian,” said the android. “Rayne is a Differ. She knows things her egg donor never will.”
I'm not sure if this was intentional, but you've made us wonder why the android changes from "mother" to "egg donor". If he against calling her a "mother", he should refrain from doing so to start off with. We will know to what he is referring from what the teacher says.
To her surprise, it was an android. It seemed as if the game was over.
You might want to elaborate on why this was a surprise.
It sounded so plain. It wasn’t a unique name at all. Plenty of other girls in the other batches have been named Rain too. She didn’t want to be known as Rain. She wanted to be different.
No, she needed something that sounded like her name.
It was still pronounced Rain, wasn’t it?
All my above quotes are fairly unnecessary and repetitive. See if you can mitigate your use of some of these. Remember, you want to keep holding the reader's attention for as long as possible.
Whao~~~!!!I think y'all are really good at your grammar and english!!!I am so invy!!!Hehe!!! By the WAy Yoda, if I have any problems, may I ask you? I really love to~~!!!I have amny problems in my grammar and the past tense and present tense....
By the way, I thiunk this novel is very good. Too bad there's not going to be another chapter~!!! love it~~!!!
~~~Love,Dylan
Good morning! I'm going to jump straight in with my review, I hope you dont mind!
For me, the second sentence doesn't quite work. I'm not entirely sure what you could replace it with, but maybe re-word it to something like "They named her Rain Sinclair when she was born, the eighteenth embryo of the Sinclair batch." Something like that anyway.
I really like this little bit. It invites us to see Rayne as being very human. The really subtle character development it beautiful
The last sentence feels clunky to me; not so much in the way it's written but what in it says. It seemed like an excuse to comment on Raynes dark hair rather than anything else. The grinning part is great though, it already feels so Rayne!
huh? I'm confused. Is Rayne the one stretching? When did the door open?
Oooo who's this Father? Great hook!
Lovely sentence
I like how Rayne is different from the others yet again, but I'm not sure if it's quite believable. If she is in an institution that is all white, clinical, and she is scolded for spelling her name differently, then how is she allowed to leave her bed messy? Just a thought really!
the addition of angels is so brilliant. Yet more intrigue!
This small action sequence is really brushed over. Would Rayne not cry out? If the android is made of metal, would its grasp be cold or hot? Would it call out to her first? What sound would her knee's hitting the marble floor be like? That kind of thing.
Who would be searching for her if she's being released? What would be cleared?
Great description! I'd love to hear some sounds though
So are the angels the typical humans with wings? I'd love to know more!
Great hook! However, i think the effect would be better if the sentence was condensed into something punchier.
All in all, this is really good! I like Rayne and would love to see her more. The idea of the Institute contrasting with the angels is really interesting, it creates a world at once accessible and completely alien. I love it, great job
I want to read more!
What happens next ?
Are you writing more to this!
It's a great idea! It reminded me somewhat like the film the island. Do you know it? It's the one with the clones? It was brilliant though! I didn't notice one mistake in it, that's probably beause I was so engrossed in reading it!
I'm looking forward to reading more.
Good job.
Hey Kara,
On Character: We've only met one character properly, but be that as it may you've developed Rayne's character remarkably given the short amount of time. We definitely want to see more of her character as she is a credible and therefore intriguing person. Even those couple of characters who we only saw briefly, like the android and teacher, are pretty strong characters given the airtime you've given them. You've used dialogue to its full potential there. Very emotive and strong.
On Setting: We do have a basic picture of the setting, but you could expand it slightly without compromising too much on the story. Perhaps a little description of the corridors etc. What is it exactly that Rayne sees when she leaves the room? This is what she is interested in. Surely she should notice it! You've given us a vivid picture of exactly what she sees on the way to the shooting range, but we are sorely lacking in description of where she goes now. All we know about is white doors with golden doorknobs. Why doesn't she look around and notice crackless walls, or perhaps carpeted or tiled floors, or maybe even a change in scenery? If it was exactly the same as where she usually went tell us that as well.
On Context: You've done a great job here as well. You've balanced giving us enough information to keep us satisfied, while still giving us the mysterious elements necessary to force us to read further. Just a couple of suggestions here. They're not vital but might help a little, so here goes:
Firstly, don't worry about the fifty additional points please. I have enough points to meet my needs, and have had no trouble with regard to my "point-bills" since shortly after I joined.
Let's talk about your story now.
Let's start with my overall impression of the piece: From what I can see, it looks like you're building a book with similar aspects to "The Island". I don't know if you've seen that movie, but in it humans are grown in batches, have no individuality, and are pretty much all happy and uninquisitive about the world out there. Except for the main character... I'm not saying that your story is downright plagiarism, but I'm saying that you might want to try add a couple more original aspects to the setting specifically of your story.
That said, I was still amazed by the almost flawless confidence that is apparent in your writing. You have drive, and it looks like you know exactly where you're headed. To me as a reader, this is a sign of top-class writing, and together with your interesting writing style, I'd definitely carry on reading.
I think that you can afford to mention exactly why the name meant she was the eighteenth embryo at this stage of the game. I don't think this is a matter of suspense and you can therefor afford to tell us what you mean here without compromising on whether or not we want to carry on reading: we do!
You don't need to elaborate here, as at this stage we don't need to know how she knew. This might be taken for granted, in which case you don't need to tell your readers, but at worst it'll just act as something we're interested in. You can explain this at any stage, and avoid looking like you're trying to justify your character's actions.
I'm not sure if this was intentional, but you've made us wonder why the android changes from "mother" to "egg donor". If he against calling her a "mother", he should refrain from doing so to start off with. We will know to what he is referring from what the teacher says.
You might want to elaborate on why this was a surprise.
All my above quotes are fairly unnecessary and repetitive. See if you can mitigate your use of some of these. Remember, you want to keep holding the reader's attention for as long as possible.
In the hope that this review helped,
Have a Great one!
Yoda
Intriguing story. Is this going to be a utopia/dystopia story? Because that "Father" guy is sounding pretty sketch about now.
Okay, I know it's becoming acceptable to say "their" when you are referring to an ambiguously-gendered singular subject (ie, "teen"), but it just really bothers me! We just need to create a gender-neutral word for this situation if we are going to be PC!!! Okay, sorry for that tirade... I also don't like the word "teen" here; I think it should be "teenager". "Teen" sounds so informal. Also, you use "their" in the first two sentences, then use "your" in the third sentence. Keep it consistent."Have" should be "had".
This probably isn't a problem, but these "no"s and "yes"es stuck out to me. They're all in close proximity so it's kind of an overload.
Okay, you're concerned about how much it makes sense. Here's what I got from it: Rayne is being trained to be a Differ, a wild-angel hunter. Father is some sort of totalitarian figure who "breaks" wild angels. Each person is followed by an angel who sort of keeps him in line. That involves not getting emotionally attached. Civilians are kind of the run-of-the-mill people, not special, like Rayne.
So is that right?
Okay, I was fine with everything until the android told Rayne she could leave. What the heck? That kind of seemed random - like there's no causality for it. But I obviously don't understand what's going on, so maybe it actually makes perfect sense.
I kind of hate this. It feels like you were getting tired so you just tacked a bit of cheesy foreshadowing on the end. I think if you rewrote this, it would be fine.
So - really good concept and I can't wait for the next part!
-rachel
I like it. It's vague enough to keep me coming back to know what the heck all this stuff is about. Other than that I have no great changes I would like to see made, because frankly I didn't really see any mistakes. I look forward to seeing where this is headed.
Hello. I'm just going to get straight to the critique:
I personally wouldn't use this as my opening paragraph. It seems vague, and it doesn't establish a setting.
This is information I wouldn't provide the reader upfront. Avoid information dumping. (I know it's important information, but you don't always have to tell the reader everything).
I would have this be one of the first sentences.
I would delete 'and submit it to the android outside.' At the moment, it's unnecessary information.
She knew what? That other girls were named Rain? You said that already. To improve this sentence, I would take out 'She knew because.'
The result:
...
Unnecessary sentences.
Hmmm... where is the door? You didn't mention it earlier when establishing the setting. Likewise, I didn't picture a door next to Rayne.
If the door isn't next to Rayne, doesn't Rayne have to get up first?
Is the android on the other side of the door? Can Rayne see the android?
If Rayne can't see the android, the reader shouldn't be able to either. If Rayne can only hear the android, only mention the sounds that Rayne hears.
Don't mention what Rayne can't see, unless you don't want the story to be from Rayne's perspective.
'Was doing.' It seems like you're changing the setting here. Where is Rayne?
Teacher? Lessons? At the moment, this seems irrelevant. Why should we care?
You don't need the '...'
Avoid info dumping. This doesn't build tension or create anticipation. Because it happened in the past, it doesn't cause any change in the story. Instead, it's slightly boring. In fact, this is where I'd stop reading.
Avoid using 'There was' or 'There were' to begin sentences. Perhaps you could say something like: 'The hallway was empty.' OR 'The empty hallway.' (You don't always have to use complete sentences).
She bites her lip a lot. Isn't her lip bleeding by now?
Is she biting her lip AND smiling at the same time? That seems a bit awkward.
And lastly, if 'this was not good,' why is she smiling?
Why can't he? By doubting the information you give us, you lower the tension.
Notice how we, the readers, don't know who is speaking until the end of the second sentence. By then, the dialogue is over. If you're going to tell us who is speaking, do it either before they speak or while they are speaking. Don't tell us who spoke. It's as if you're saying: 'Oh, by the way, the person who just spoke was actually an android.'
Is this the android or the teacher? Is the teacher a machine?
Since I pictured the teacher to be human, the above statement does not make sense. Humans? Chunks of metal?
What's so funny? I don't get it.
Ma'am? Are androids female?
What is Rayne doing right now?
Unnecessary information. Grass is green. We know that.
You can take out 'The.'
Their angels? My mind is not sure what to picture here.
This should be in it's own paragraph. I wouldn't describe the surroundings AND the main character in the same paragraph.
I see now.
New paragraph.
Avoid information dumping. Show, don't tell.
You already described the angels. Keep the story going.
Good cliffhanger. It hooks the reader.
I hope my critique helped.
PM me if you have any questions, comments, or concerns
Hey! On a first note, this wasn't too long at all! It was just right. Perfect. Which, incidentally, is a very good word to use to describe your piece.
Perfect. Or just about, because I don't think I found more than one grammatical mistake. And that was just a typo because the two keys are right next to each other. Wow!
So, the ONE typo:
You mean "she'd" I think.
There! One typo! Marvellous stuff.
Just one other point I really wanted to make, and it was that the whole angels/civilians/mistress thing was really unclear. That's not a criticism, because I'm sure that these things will be revealed later on so really I'm not sure why I'm mentioning it. Probably so that maybe you could possibly make the mystery of the angels a little - and I mean a very little, because the mystery element is compelling - clearer, maybe add one detail?
Well I want to finish by thanking you for posting this. It was marvy. ~*X*~
Let me start out by saying that I love the name Rain/Rayne. It's such a beautiful name!
This is just a little nitpick of mine. You started out by spelling her name "Rayne" then stated that she was born with it spelled "Rain." I don't know why it bothers me... ^^; I can't really explain it, but I'm going to try. lol I usually wouldn't have her named spelled "Rayne" until the character herself decided, "Hey I want to be different!" (Which I love how she wants to be unique and not the same old girl.) Well, before I knew she was going to change the spelling of her name, I was thinking, "Wait, was that a typo? Or intentional? Is she going to change the spelling?" I was a little bit confused.
Maybe try to reword the explanation a bit? Something like: "Unfortunately for her, it wasn't a typical circumstance." then state that she was born with the name Rain. It's just a suggestion. It might not bother other people, since we're all different. I hope I explained that okay ^^; I'm sorry if I didn't!
I don't know, but I'm not too fond of this sentence. Maybe reword it like: "Wasn't her teacher going to come pick her up and lead her to her daily lessons?"
I love this little habit of hers. It tells a lot about the character <3
Which hallway was it? Maybe put more description here? Even maybe put some more description on how she ran? Make her feeling of being "free" more deep?
Maybe more description on the hallway? Is it all the same as before? Or maybe pictures on the walls, marble statues of the school's old principal or their grand instructors? Golden trim? And if she's running and focusing on her goal, not noticing these details? Maybe state that?
More description? Maybe of the hallways, the grand entrance, and how she felt a bit more? Sure, a grin on her face basically says how she's happy or glad to get out of the all white building...(wow i'd go insane with all the plain white xD lol) but a little more description on how she felt would mean a lot to the reader.
haha! Obnoxious? That's great! I love how you described it as so!
@_@ Yeah, I would be too! I feel ya, Rayne! lol!
YAY Angels! I really want to know more about these "angels" that are following everyone around! It's a very interesting story and I enjoyed it very much! Thanks for writing it! I hope to read the next chapter <3 Keep it up! I hope I didn't sound too harsh on the critiques. ^^; I feel bad sometimes when I critique others work. I don't want you to feel bad about the story at all, because it's a really good story <3 Good luck with the next chapter!
Believe in me, who Believes in you.
~Kiki