I crouched low and out of site in the grass. The Shadow Guards wouldn't be moving from the gate for a while. I looked up at the great looming castle, creating shadows of its own. The sun was setting over the horizon, and I had to get in the castle, grab my wand, and get back out again before the vampires were let loose.
I chuckled quietly as I remembered how I'd thought vampires were what they were in Twilight, with glowing yellow eyes, and looked like humans, except for the fact they glittered in the sun. The vampires I may have to face tonight were monsters. When the sun is gone, they rip off their skin, to reveal a slimy, pale-skinned human like figure, with alien-like black eyes and a set of shark teeth to go along with it. They could smell humans from miles away, so as soon as they were let loose, I'd be ripped to shreds.
Unless I had my wand.
I looked around and saw a tree which went over the wrought iron fence and near a window. If I tried jumping while pushing the air beneath me to propel myself forward and into the window, I'd be inside.
I quietly ran, still crouched, towards the trees great trunk. I gripped a low branch and pulled myself up, the grooves of the bark digging into my skin. I kept climbing until I got to the longest branch, which went over the fence and near the open window. I steadied myself, then ran.
I jumped at the last moment, using all the strength I had. As soon as I felt myself falling, I shot my hands down, the air rippled, and I shot back up. I grabbed the window ledge and hung there for a few seconds, catching my breath. I pulled myself up with great effort and rolled onto the floor within.
The room was dark, and smelt of death. I heard chains rattle to my left and right, and a few snarls in between. The lights above came on, and the room filled with an eerie glow.
The concrete walls were splattered with blood stains, and the floors occupied bones and rags of clothes. There was one fresh dead body in the middle of the room, a gaping hole in its neck. To my left and right, men and women with blood smothered around their mouths lunged and snarled, making the chains holding them rattle. There was no door.
I stood in a defensive position, looking frantically around the room for a way out, apart from the window. I spotted a tile which was out of its place. It was under the dead body.
I stood over the dead body, crossing myself as I did. The gaping hole in its neck now occupied maggots and flies, eating away at the rotting flesh. I put my foot under the body and moved it to reveal the tile. I shuddered as I removed my foot from the dead body, which now lay looking up at the ceiling, with eyes that the light had disappeared from.
Digging my fingers under the tile, I lifted it out of its place and threw it to one corner of the room. There was a hole that led down into what looked like an indoor garden maze. I looked at the vampires. They were slowly ripping away their human flesh, showing the marble white skin of the beast beneath. They shrieked in unison as I leaped into the maze.
I shifted the air beneath me, so that my descent slowed, and I dropped softly onto the stone cobble floor. Huge leaf-ridden hedges loomed over me to my sides. Above me, vines hung lazily, swaying slightly to a breeze which wasn't there. The maze seemed too large, and would probably take me forever just to get out.
I clicked my fingers and a small flame sparked in my palm. I waited for it to grow wilder and larger, then threw the flame at the dead hedges to my left. It caught fire immediately, and it started to spread rapidly. I stood and watched the fire, with it's flames eating up the hedge and anything nearby. After breathing in a mouthful of smoke, I rose slowly above the maze. I gathered whatever oxygen was left in my hands and threw my arms wide. The fires stopped, leaving behind a trail of ashes where the hedges had been.
I saw the door, large and arched with the red paint beginning to peel, to my left. I dropped, rolled, and dashed for the door.
The door opened easily, leading me into a small room filled with glass cabinets, inhabiting powerful objects. One cabinet inhabited an object I'd been searching for six months for: a Necromancers spell book.
I'd always wanted to learn Necromancy. Necromancy was a powerful form of magic. I'd read somewhere that, when learning Necromancy, you must choose a weapon in which to inhabit the dark magic.
I closed my eyes and imagined the book in my hands. I breathed deeply, imagining the cover, the feel of the book. I opened my eyes. It had worked. I held the book in my hand, it's weight surprising me. It was really light for a hardback spell book.
Tucking it inside my jacket pocket, I hurriedly scanned the cabinets. Behind me, snarls had filled the room where the maze had been. My eyes fell upon a small cabinet, containing my wand. It was my grandmothers, who was once a powerful witch. When I had found out I was a witch a year ago, I immediately researched every spell possible.
The wand was made from ebony, carved carefully with different symbols to make the users spells more powerful. In the handle nestled a smooth red stone, which enhanced its owners physical fitness to endure the most powerful of attacks.
A crash sounded from behind me. I turned and saw shattered glass all over the floor. The vampires were near.
I quickly closed my eyes and easily imagined the wand in my hand. I opened my eyes and there it was: my wand.
I turned around as the next cabinet fell. Shadows danced on the floor and began rising, forming large shapes. The Shadow Guards.
I mumbled a spell quickly, then pointed my wand towards the shadows. A ball of light formed, making the Shadow Guards melt away, whispering shrieks as they went.
Now, the vampires.
In front of me, through the open door, a crowd of vampires stared at me. I couldn't tell which ones were male and female. They were all bald, skin a marble white. Their claws looked just as sharp as their fangs, and were also as yellow.
They charged towards me at an alarming rate, barely giving me enough time to conjure a spell. One hit me, sending me flying into a cabinet. It fell to the floor and shattered into individual shards of glass. I felt blood, wet and warm, running down my cheek. I never worried about the pain. I worried about the stench of the blood.
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140,372 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Ello there, This is fallen coming at you with another review. Let's begin.
First off Loved you using the shadow guards and the vampires it was like mission impossible gone supernatural. I like how your main character while a witch isn't this immortal super strong girl. What im trying to say is you played her off well as being a human climbing up to the window. Next I love your description of the vampires being shackled up and the body with the puncture holes. It made me shiver in my seat reading it, which dose not happen often. Next, I like how you did the witch and the wand how the wand helps it's owner, really nice touch. But, the best part I could find was the last sentence you did. " I never worried about the pain. I worried about the stench of blood." That was just perfect ending that left the reader like " whoa... MUST READ NEXT CHAPTER"
Hello
here to review your work on this happy review day! I will review as I read otherwise I shall get confused/confuzzled.
Wow - shadow guards AND vampires - there's a whole lot of evil going on here and I like it.
Where you write, "“It was under the dead body. I stood over the dead body, crossing myself as I did. The gaping hole in its neck now occupied maggots and flies, eating away at the rotting flesh. I put my foot under the body and moved it to reveal the tile. I shuddered as I removed my foot from the dead body, which now lay looking up at the ceiling, with eyes that the light had disappeared from.” - I think you'll agree that there is a little too any mentions of dead bodies here. It doesn't flow. Perhaps you could change the description a few times if you really feel the need to mention it. Corpse? or Decaying Flesh? Just a few ideas.
In one sentence you describe the hedges as 'leaf ridden', and then next you describe them as 'dead' without anything happening to them in between? This is a bit contradictory for me.
Overall - I really like the idea that you have created here and I'm dying to learn more about the shadow guards. They sound much more mysterious that the Vampires! I also think that you're really talented at describing the scenes in your story. The only helpful point that I can really give you is to think about all the questions that a reader could possibly ask about your world.
For example, she seems to be a pretty powerful witch without her wand so why does she need it so badly? She also seems to be a pretty accomplished witch when she only found out she was one a year ago; who has been teaching her? The one big whopper of a question I had was that if she could have imagined her wand in her hand out of the cabinet, why couldn't she have just done that from outside of the castle? Or even just outside of the window?
Good luck! I hope this helped!
Olive <3
Hello hamster, here to review your story on this review day!
.
Right, I'm going to get straight on with what I liked about this piece and that was that it really challenged my expectations. I wouldn't say I'm a cynic, but I'm just generally not too fond of the whole fantasy/magic genre, but I thought this was really cool. I liked how spells and magic and now VAMPIRES have been mixed together and it actually works rather well. I also like how the vampires in this are scary, and not like fairies- aand the fact that that's sort of mentioned gives it a comical element.
Now for improvements. As I was reading this I noticed that the sentences weren't very varies in the sense most of it was 'I did this' and 'I did that'. Having loads of this can get a bit boring and may lost the attention of the reader! Instead, perhaps you want to think about starting with an adverb such as slowly or carefully. Or find alternative ways of writing your sentences so that they don't all start wit I. Don't get rid of them all of course! But just a few so that it's not all too repetitive.
Something else is that, well you've posted this in the short story section so I'm guessing you're not going to add anymore. If that's the case and this is all to your story, I'd like to see more of a backstory on the vampires. Vampires are usually portrayed as the villain, but still, why are they evil? Why is she trying to find spells against them? I think a backstory here would be really helpful and a nice touch to explain why they're there.
I think in general there could be a bit more description-but specifically with the vampires. What you've got so far is really good, however I'd like to know more. In this day, vampires in literature are portrayed in SO many different way that no on knows what to expect anymore. So far I've gathered that they're quite gruesome looking and got blood on their mouths sort of thing, but I'd like some more detail!
Lastly, what exactly happens at the end? It left me a bit confused as it seems unfinished. Does she get up from that blow and defeat them or is there more to the story- because it seems rather cliffhanger-ish. Either way, I'd like to know more about the battle because the rest of the story builds up to this moment and it's rather short and quick so again, more detail
This story was really good and you've got some really cool ideas here. Next steps would be add some more description/detail in places and vary your sentences a bit. I hope this review helped, PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review.
Just keep writing!
-Arc x
Hey, there! The name's Storm, and I'll be reviewing for ya today! I'll take your short story one paragraph at a time.
*claps for you*
Anyways, in the sentence quoted above, there is a slight error with the word "it's". Since the flames belong to the fire, "its" should be the proper usage here because this shows possession. "It's" is a contraction for "it is", which doesn't make any sense in that sentence.
Paragraph ONE:
Right away, you caught my attention. I am not typically a fan of vampire stories (thank you, Twilight for ruining that for me) but your work pulled me in almost immediately with the action. However, a few other things in this first paragraph caught my attention also, and not in a positive way. First of all, I noticed a spelling error with the word "site" in the opening sentence. It should be changed with "sight" because "out of sight" is the correct use here.
~
"I looked up at the great looming castle, creating shadows of its own."
In this sentence, there should be a comma after "great" because it is followed by another word that's also describing the castle. Next, the part following "castle" feels awkward to read. Instead of saying "creating shadows of its own", try wording it differently, writing it out to be similar to this: "I looked up at the great, looming castle which created shadows of its own." Moving on, why say that the castle created shadows of its own? Of course the building makes its own shadows. What if you rewrote the sentence this way: "I looked up at the great, looming castle which cast shadows across the lawn." Of course you can spice it up so much more, but I'm just giving you some ideas.
~
Paragraph TWO:
"I chuckled quietly as I remembered how I'd thought vampires were what they were in Twilight, with glowing yellow eyes, and looked like humans, except for the fact they glittered in the sun."
This is another oddly worded phrase that feels very cluttered, making it difficult to read. You repeated the word "were" almost consecutively, commas are misplaced, and the sentence seems like a run-on. You do not have to place a comma after "Twilight", and the book title needs to be in italics. Then, I would suggest taking out or moving around the part that says, "...except for the fact they glittered in the sun." This makes for a run-on. I hope I'm not coming across too harshly! I just wanted to point these minor mistakes out to you.
~
Fourthly, you switched tenses when you wrote, "...I may have to face tonight..." This should be in past tense, not present. Next, the story talks about the vampires ripping off their skin in present tense again, but then changes back to past while continuing to discuss the vampires and how they can smell blood.
~
Paragraph THIRTEEN:
Before I jump into correcting a teeny tiny mistake in paragraph thirteen, I must compliment you on the way you described the awful room with the vampires and body, and also how you talked about the maze. I could picture it clearly in my mind.
~
"I stood and watched the fire, with it's flames eating up the hedge and anything nearby.
Wouldn't it have been easier for the main character to muster up the winds and fly above the hedges, instead of burning them? Just saying.
~
Paragraph FIFTEEN-SEVENTEEN:
In these three paragraphs, I feel as if you stray a little off focus from the rest of the story. I suppose it's cool that the character is interested in Necromancy, but adding this part in is fairly unnecessary. It shifts away from the key action points plot.
~
Paragraph EIGHTEEN:
"Behind me, snarls had filled the room where the maze had been. My eyes fell upon a small cabinet, containing my wand."
The first of these two sentences feels out of place, because the main character mentions that vampires are getting closer, but then immediately focuses on the wand.
~
"It was my grandmothers, who was once a powerful witch. When I had found out I was a witch a year ago, I immediately researched every spell possible."
The word "grandmothers" should be spelled "grandmother's" because it shows possession over the wand. Secondly, until the part in these sentences where it mentions that the main character is a witch, I had no clue if she was a boy or a girl! Try clearing up the gender confusion earlier on in the story, please!
~
Overall, I thought this was an exciting piece, but it also lacked much. It has a ton of potential to be a great short story! I loved the concept of the Shadow Guards; It was pretty creepy.
So, just keep in mind these nitpicks I pointed out, and hopefully they helped you out! As always, write on!
---Storm
Hello! Anywho, I was never really an enthusiast when it comes to vampire stories but I guess your story was an exception, mainly because of the fact that you stayed true to the whole original concept of vampires, eventually rendering the story quite some charm to it, which is quite a good thing by the way.
The thing is, I find it a bit "low" to reference Twilight here. Don't get me wrong, Twilight was pretty... well, shallow, but nevertheless, it shouldn't be "made fun of" in other works. Plus, it doesn't really help to actually bluntly specify Twilight in your work. But that's just me. Maybe if you needed to create some effect to it, it may be better if you just imply it and make no mention of the title of the other work. Then again, after all, this was the main character's point of view, maybe that was how he actually viewed Twilight...
Putting that aside, the way the settings are described is absolutely wonderful, I commend you for that. With using a first person point of view, you were able to discuss things much easier, given that you didn't make use of big and extravagant (which eventually becomes relentless) words.
Somehow, as I read through your story, there are times that the order of the paragraphs and the lines begin to get a bit jumpy. You should be wary of that because it keeps sparking out a new story within the story that may confuse the readers of where the real story is actually going. Take these lines for example:
"One cabinet inhabited an object I'd been searching for six months for: a Necromancers spell book.
I'd always wanted to learn Necromancy. Necromancy was a powerful form of magic. I'd read somewhere that, when learning Necromancy, you must choose a weapon in which to inhabit the dark magic.
I closed my eyes and imagined the book in my hands. "
See how it jumped to how he wanted to learn Necromancy all of a sudden? I know you can find a simple way to connect those two together without making it seem all jumpy.
Nevertheless, this was a good story. Although the character was static, you made it through with just being really descriptive which is probably the most needed element of a story. Keep it up! I would certainly read more of your works anytime soon. Oh, and I'm sorry if I don't take time to notice the grammatical mistakes or what. It's just something that can be fixed when the story is edited so I guess I didn't bother.
~ Coralyn
This was a really good story. The beginning caught my attention right away, there were wonderful descriptions throughout the story, the action was great, and the cliff hanger ending was perfect. There weren't any run-on sentences; everything was clean and neat.
There were a few grammar mistakes, but they were pretty minor. Overall, there isn't really anything to criticize.
"There was one fresh dead body in the middle of the room, a gaping hole in their neck." This was a mistake that was made a couple times. You used singular then plural, instead of all singular.
"Death magic was a powerful kind of magic." There's nothing wrong with this sentence, but using magic twice is kind of redundant. It would be better just as "Death magic was powerful." or "Necromancy was a powerful kind of magic." But this sentence as is, is a little awkward.
"The wand was made from ebony, carved carefully with different symbols to make the users spells more powerful. In the handle nestled a smooth red stone, which enhanced its owners physical fitness to endure the most powerful of attacks." I loved this! It was really descriptive and informative at the same time. This was just awesome.
"A crash sounded from behind me. I turned and saw shattered glass all over the floor. The vampires are near." You used past tense then present tense. Just change are to were and it'd be fine.
Excellent story.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider