Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
“Oh, Wry!” The sharp sound of my friend’s voice pierces the early-morning dust. I could hear him trip outside my room and slam into my door. His groans sold it, the laughter bubbling from deep in my chest.
“What did you even trip on?” I asked between gasping breaths, tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard.
“Air,” he groaned, the door to my room swinging open, and he was still splayed flat on the floor, only causing me to laugh harder. I only stopped when he threw a shoe at me. “You prick!”
“You can’t just waltz in so comedically and not expect me to laugh at you.” I rolled my eyes, still smiling.
Then a question rolled into my head. While he did often come by unannounced, he very rarely shows up so early. Of the 4 years we had been friends, it had only been twice before now. He never had given me an answer, but I could speculate. I’ve often seen him covered in bruises, which were always easy to see against his pale skin. His eyes always looked so tired, and his auburn hair had become so dull. I had often asked about why he looked the way he did, but he had the same answer every time.
“Why are you here so early, Radix?” I asked, scanning the bit of his body I could see for bruises. Sure enough, there were three new ones, one on his collarbone, one on his wrist, and one long one across his neck. My heart shattered at the sight. “And what hap-”
“Complicated,” he cut me off, looking around. “Wanna go out to the woods today with me?”
I just stared at him for a moment, but decided not to pry. I don’t think I would want to tell either. To be fair, there was a lot I hadn’t told him either. I knew what kind of a man his father was, and I didn’t want to make things any worse for him.
“Yeah! Just wait outside for a minute, okay?”
Once he had shuffled his way out of my room and closed the door, I shifted my way out of bed. I went to the small wardrobe my father had built me, in search of something to wear for today’s adventure. I found a green dress with matching leggings, something my father had sewn for me before she passed away. She sewed a dress for each birthday, and had sewn in advance for each year until my twentieth birthday. My father says she has something special for that day.
I slipped into the green skirt, fixing the ruffles and sleeves before putting the leggings on. Looking in the mirror, I did a little twirl. It was a simple, and yes, beautiful dress. The ruffles around it reached just above my knees, and there was a simple flower embroidered into the front. “To make my princess feel even more royal” was the message on this one.
I tugged my long brunette hair out of the back of my dress and pulled it into a messy ponytail. “Are you almost done?” Radix called out, right as I opened the door. “Oh...”
“Oh is right, loser!” I toss over my shoulder, bolting out of my room and towards the front door, a cheesy smile plastered on my face. “I’ll race you! Last one to get there is a rotten egg!”
Blissful laughter rings out as we push and shove each other, especially when one of us falls.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the scary S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Two friends are hanging out with each other, both seemingly fine, but Radix has bruises on him which might have been from his father…Wry doesn’t know for sure.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, you may.
Chocolate Bar - I like that Wry is still concerned about their friend but doesn’t want to pry for details. It shows just how much they really care. I also like the description of the outfit, it sounds beautiful!
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a nice little prologue to this story. I’m excited to see more stuff about Radix’s father and the eeriness that hangs in the air. And so now…
I wish you a fantastical day/night! ^v^
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! this is my first draft of the prologue and I'm already making edits, your kind words are so insanely encouraging. I will post an updated version of the prologue and then chapter one ASAP!!
You’re welcome!!
Hia and welcome to the site! Hope you’re having a great time :3
hihi, that made me smile. Yes! Throw stuff at those mocking you!Let’s head into your R-rated prologue, shall we?
I already find it intriguing that in this story, dust is a regular occurrence during mornings. I wonder what causes that phenomenon? Especially since they appear to be inside?
Ya know, with the strange beginning, I am ready to believe this man can trip over air. Maybe some sorta sky walker? XD
That said, the dialogue in the next paragraph feels… not rly like something someone would actually say. Like, the word “comically” is pretty cumbersome to say and stuff? This feels a bit overwritten.
Love the repetition of roll here, as if the rolling itself is the part that reminds them of the backstory.
Tho. I do not like the following paragraph one bit. We have absolutely no expectations of this character and that he often comes by unannounced, so the phrasing of the next sentence feels ever-so-slightly off. Then, you continue to TELL TELL TELL instead of really showing us what this is all about. The prologue started so strong but this is pretty boring and not really all that interesting since we don’t really have a connection to your guy as of yet?
Uhm not “he”? I am all for unconventional gender norms tho!
I feel that too is a bit much for a prologue, especially a prologue this short. Do we really need all this info? And if we do, isn’t there a better way to weave it into the story?
I love how they do a twirl in front of the mirror. Awww <3 Feels like a great time to describe the looks of the dress!
PS: You might want to think up a better summary. The one you currently have doesn't rly say anything at all abt your story so it's difficult to attract readers...
TYSM I went thru and marked where things need to be edited. And the one abt gender norms it was supposed to be mother not father... i was smoking while writing and im dyslexic.
You made soso many great points. This is actually the first draft of my prologue and I'm so surprised there wasn't more problems. Anywhoooo back to writing!!
Hihi, happy writing then :3
Remember that reading and reviewing helps you think critically about what you like and dislike in other ppls stories which in turn Helps you evaluate your OWN stories ~
(The Green Room is looking rather full atm!)