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Young Writers Society



Short Scene #3: Rainy Days

by NympheaLily


There once was a town.

Not a big town, but a small one in the mountains of a far off place in a far off world in a far off galaxy unreachable and untouchable. It went by the name 'Rain Town'. Not too creative but simple enough for people to remember it. The town was located in a range of mountains known as 'Death Cliffs'. Very macabre, but it wasn't false. The way to the town was perilous and steep, where muddy cliffs constantly fell into the chasm below. To try and get to the town was almost a death wish and was very undesirable, for this town was dark, gloomy, and wet. It was constantly raining, sleeting, or snowing. The town had never seen sunlight. The legend and lore of this rainy town was more like horror stories to children. Many had tread this path and reached Rain Town but had never returned.

Except one.

This one person, a frail girl by the name of Tah had managed to go to Rain Town and return. Tah used to be normal girl. She had lovely red hair that was curly and bouncy like fire. It was soft and her mother braided it every day before she went to school. Tah's eyes were wide and green, full of wonder and creativity. She had soft, pale skin, like satin. She was a beautiful girl with energy and creativity just bursting at the seams of her mind.

Until one day.

Tah became very sick. She couldn't walk and skip anymore. She had to be wheeled around in a chair with rubber wheels. When she'd gotten ill, her mother was sad but Tah was confident.

"Don't worry, mother," she said, "I'll get better soon." Her mother had just shook her head and hugged Tah with all her might. Soon after, her hair fell out. All of her red locks were one the floor and Tah's head was just a pale, white surface. Her mother had grieved over the loss of her beautiful hair, but Tah was confident.

"Don't worry mother," she said, "I'll get new hair and you can braid it again like you used to." Her mother had just shook her head and hugged Tah with all her might. After that, Tah and her mother had to move. They moved into a white room where strange people with masks fed her strange food and gave her strange bags of water with tubes to put into her arms. Tah laid in bed all day, unable to play anymore, unable to even get up and walk. All she could do was draw. She drew beautiful people and beautiful things. Her mother came in one day and Tah gave her a picture of them together. When she gave her the picture, her mother had cried, but Tah was confident.

"Don't worry mother," she said, "I can make a lot of pictures of us together." Her mother had just shook her head and hugged Tah with all her might. One day, Tah had fallen asleep to the sound of a beeping noise. She woke up and found herself in her own room, feeling better. She got up and went out the door to see the mountains, Death Cliffs, awaiting her at her doorstep. She walked towards them, not knowing where she was going or what she was doing. She traveled through the mountains, narrowly avoiding the falling cliffs and slippery slopes that plagued the landscape. She soon came upon Rain Town and entered though the gates.

What she found in Rain Town was shocking, for it wasn't gloomy or sad. The town was vibrant with large gardens and lights everywhere. Everyone in the town was happy and carrying around an umbrella to shelter them from the rain. Some didn't have umbrellas and allowed them selves to get wet in the glorious, crystal clear rain. When Tah had walked into the square, everyone greeted her with smiles and open arms.

"Salutations, Tah!"

"Welcome to Rain Town!"

"Come play!"

"We are so happy you made it here!" Tah smiled and greeted everyone in Rain Town. Just then, an old woman came up to Tah and held out a mirror.

"Look at yourself," she said, "See how beautiful you are." Tah was hesitant. When she'd looked in mirrors at her old home in the white room with the strange people in masks, she'd only see a skeleton with no hair and abnormal alien eyes.

"Am I not sick?" she asked. The old woman smiled and took her hand.

"Not anymore," she said, "Your suffering is gone. Now come with us!"

"Wait," Tah said. The woman turned to her.

"Yes?"

"Mother," she said, "I want to see her. Can I bring her here?" The woman shook her head.

"Unfortunately no," she said, "But I can let you say goodbye for now. She will join you when it's her time." Tah nodded and the woman put a hand to her forehead. When she opened her eyes again she saw her mothers face. It was wet in tears and she seemed to be shouting.

"Tah!" she sobbed, "Tah!" Weakly, Tah put a hand up to her mothers face. She was sad, tears running down her chin and onto Tah's face, but Tah was confident.

"Don't worry mother," she said softly, "I'm going to a better place." Her mother just shook her head and hugged Tah with all her might. Tah closed her eyes and took a breath.

"I'll be in a better place."


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48 Reviews


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Reviews: 48

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Wed Feb 15, 2017 9:20 pm
Edelweiss wrote a review...



Hey there NympheaLily, Edelweiss here for a quick review!

I'll begin with saying that overall I enjoyed the story very much and I think it's very cute. I really love Tah because she is someone readers can use as a role model, so high fives for that! My favorite part was the ending seeing everything unfold about Rain Town.

Anyway, in my opinion I think the first paragraph could be improved by not making comments on the name of the town and cliff. For intense when you said "Not too creative but simple enough for people to remember it." I think this makes the whole story have an unserious note about it and would be better if cut.

In the second paragraph the description of Tah is to choppy and I don't see the need to describe her as frail when you go on to say she is bursting with energy. I also think the sentence, "Tah used to be a normal girl." - is out of place and would fit better in the third paragraph.
To make it flow a bit better maybe you could tweak the descriptions to something like this;

"Tah was a beautiful girl, her eyes wide and green, full of wonder and creativity, cheeks soft and pale like satin." Also the comparison of her hair to fire does not seem to fit, again just in my opinion.

Maybe instead- "She had lovely fiery red hair that was curly, bouncy and soft."

I think that's about it again great story and creativity! You have a talent for writing and I hope to see more!

-Edelweiss-




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Tue Feb 14, 2017 6:02 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Hey there!

Okay, I'm just going to start this review off with: I love this. The beginning was splendid even without knowing Rain Town was the symbolism for death, and everything got even better when I did find out. Lovely set-up and story.

This one person, a frail girl by the name of Tah had managed to go to Rain Town and return


I don't really understand how Tah returned. Maybe seeing her mother again, but even so that felt a little weird and I'm not sure if that's really what you're referring to as returned. This also ties into the ending - I'm in favor of the confusion but also not.

As a reader, I like to know what's going on (but *some* confusion, especially in this case, is fine). For the most part I did until reaching the last bit where Tah says goodbye to her mother one last time. It seems like she reaches death, comes back out of death - which would be the "returning" part, maybe - and then says goodbye to her mother. Maybe I'm just missing something? Basically, I'm not clear on if the "returning" part is her actually coming back. (If any of this doesn't make sense please tell me and I can try to re-explain it!).

I like the abstract-ness of this. It seems a bit fantastical (if she is coming back alive) and with the metaphor tied in, it's pretty cool!

Wonderful story, I enjoyed it a lot!

~EternalRain




NympheaLily says...


Thanks for your feedback! It's when she comes out of her coma and such right before they took her off life support. It's that cruel little hope spark that I gave her mother. I am such a terrible person XD



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Mon Feb 13, 2017 3:29 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello--Princess Ink with a review ;)

Describing what people thought of 'Rain Town' was a good start of the story, and the last sentence in the second paragraph helped to foreshadow what would happen.

Tah's eyes were wide and green, full of wonder and creativity. She had soft, pale skin, like satin.


I'm not sure this part of the description of Tah is necessary. When I describe a character I sometimes have to stop myself from adding too much physical description.

I also saw that you used "she[Tah's mother] was sad" and "but Tah was confident" about three times. I think you could replace it by showing how confident she was and how sad her mother was.

What she found in Rain Town was shocking, for it wasn't gloomy or sad. The town was vibrant with large gardens and lights everywhere. Everyone in the town was happy and carrying around an umbrella to shelter them from the rain.


The "gloomy or sad" is already covered in the next few sentences, so it isn't exactly necessary. When you wrote people were "happy", did they smile? Did they laugh? Did they chatter around?

The description of Rain Town was splendid. I could imagine the rain and the joyful people in the town welcoming Tah. And the end--it was quite bittersweet. I think this was the best part of your story, how Tah calmly accepted she was going somewhere else.

Overall, I liked Tah very much. She was always courageous and strong and optimistic no matter what. Your story was well-written and I liked the way the story ended in peace from both mother and daughter.

I hope my review wasn't too long or harsh, and please keep writing more stories!

From Princess Ink




NympheaLily says...


Thank you for your feedback. A few things that I'd like to point out is that this story is from the perspective of a child so things don't necessarily make sense. Furthermore, Rain Town is a metaphor for death and Tah was a patient of cancer. Just thought these little side notes were necessary!




I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
— Dr. Seuss