z

Young Writers Society



Short Scene #1: Mama Says

by NympheaLily


When I was a young cub, my mother was the light of my life. I treasured her and she treasured me. It was only the two of us for the first few seasons. I never once questioned her judgement, never once went against her request. We hunted together, protected each other, and fought off wild animals together.

One day, when I was only three seasons old, I saw another lion with three cubs, making their way across the savannah with a couple others. The group stuck together and wouldn’t leave each other’s side.

“Mama,” I said, “Why do they have lots of lions?”

“Because, my dear, they had more luck than we.” I tilted my head.

“What do you mean mama?” Mama looked down at me and licked the top of my head.

“I don’t know.”

“But Mama,” I protested, “You know everything!”

“Mama doesn’t know everything, like why the great mtawala made it this way,” said Mama, “ Mama only knows that what happened, happened.”

“But Mama, you says that mtawala is generous and kind.”

“Sometimes yes,” Mama replied, “But sometimes, mtawala must make hard decisions for his people.” I stopped asking her those questions. Like, why I had no Papa. Or other companions, as a matter of fact. Mama always said that ‘what happened, happened, under the great mtawala’s rule.’

So when the day came, the sky was dark. No animal crossed the horizon as Mama and I came to a large rock in the midst of the tall grasses.

“Mama,” I asked, “Why are we here?” Mama gazed out into the dark and cold savannah. I could feel some kind of emotion rolling off of her like waves. This emotion wasn’t a good one. I’d felt it before, but not as much and I could never put a name to it.

“Because…” Mama’s voice trailed off. She looked down, her once bright gaze now dull with the bad emotion.

“I’m sorry, my little star,” she said, “But you must wait here. Someone will come and take care of you.”

“But why can’t you take care of me?” I asked.

“I just can’t anymore. You’re getting too big and bad animals will soon want to attack you. If you wait here, you will be safe.”

“I will wait for you to come back,” I said. Mama shook her head and more of the bad emotion rolled off of her.

“Goodbye, little star.” She took off down the rock and disappeared into the savannah.

“Mama said wait here.” For two days I waited. I became delirious on lack of water and I was starving. But Mama said wait here. I heard a strange sound and I weakly lifted my head.

“Mama?” I choked. But it wasn’t. No, no it wasn’t. It was a new creature I’d never seen before. It was scary, with big sharp fangs and beady black eyes. It looked over me and I could feel it’s hunger. It hadn’t eaten for a while and it was looking for some easy prey. I tried to get up and run, but a heavy paw slammed into my chest. I could feel my bones breaking and I tried to roar. All that came out was air.

“Mama,” I rasped, “Mama!” I felt myself being tossed into the air and caught. The cycle repeated over and over.

“Mama!” I tried to shout, “Mama! Mama! Ma-!” Crack! My head slammed into a rock. The world was fading and red was covering my vision. I felt a sharp claw pierce my chest.

“Mama…”

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
558 Reviews

Points: 1219
Reviews: 558

Donate
Mon Feb 13, 2017 11:02 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, NympheaLily! Lupa here for a shiny new review! :D Let's start...

1) "“Because, my dear, they had more luck than we.” I tilted my head.

“What do you mean mama?” Mama looked down at me and licked the top of my head.

“I don’t know.”"

Take a look at that exchange right there. First of all, the "I tilted my head part" disrupts the flow a little where it is right now. I feel like if you put it in the next paragraph instead, it would make more sense. And a grammatical thing... a comma after "mean" and "mama" capitalized, because it's the "name" of the lion.

Also, how can the mother lion say something and not know what she means by it? I just don't get the logic of that. The main character's reply is a sweet way to show how much he / she loves her, but it doesn't make much sense.

2) "Crack!" This is a nice onomatopoeia here, but if you put it in italics it'll emphasize the sound and make it clear that it's substituting for a noise.

3) Wow... what a dark (and beautifully described) ending. I'm surprised that the main character died, but you executed it well, I guess.

The thing is, I don't really get why the mother lion left her cub out in the wilderness. Aren't they supposed to be protective of their young? Why in the world would she do that? And from what I've read, she loves her cub a lot. Her actions don't compute with me, and most likely not with some other readers. I think you should make it clearer to the reader.

Overall, this was really short, so hard to review, but you did a wonderful job with it. I hope my review was helpful. I might be checking out your other short scenes soon, so keep an eye out. :) Keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22




User avatar
524 Reviews

Points: 7146
Reviews: 524

Donate
Sun Aug 07, 2016 5:11 am
View Likes
felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D


Grammar and Punctuation

like why the great mtawala made it this way,
"mtawala" should be capitalized since it's a name.

Overall thoughts

Story plot: Okay so I feel that this story could have had a bit more detail. I'm have so many questions that didn't get answered. What happened to their pride and why did she have to leave her cub? Did another male lion take over? The overall story was interesting and I was hoping for a happy ending, but sadly that wasn't the case. You definitely know how to tell a story. I was so involved with the characters and this really was just heartbreaking. How could you do this to me. Oh well. Well done on the writing. :D

Characters: I'm really happy that you took the time to get me invested in the characters of the story and to point out how they felt about each other. I think that you could have taken a bit more time in the beginning, but that's really just a small suggestion.

Description: Now for the description. Your description on the whole was good. It's just the last bit at the end that had me a bit confused. Was the creature a hyena or a lion? If it was a hyena I'd add in a note about it's spots. If it was a lion and I'm presuming it would be a male then add in that it had a mane. Or maybe it was another animal. I'm just saying that you should add in just a bit more description to make it clear what animal it was.

Title: Okay so the title was really not inviting. Maybe add a bit after the
Sort Scene 1#
maybe something like The Lion Cub. That was a terrible example, but I'm sure you get my meaning. :D

Overall this was a great story and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image




NympheaLily says...


Thank you for your feedback! I just want to let you know, those questions may be answered in another short scene, but in this story, it's supposed to keep you wondering what happened.



felistia says...


Oh okay. I thought that this was just a short story and that there wasn't going to be anymore of this story. If there's another piece could you please let me know when you post it. :D



NympheaLily says...


Will do!



Random avatar

Points: 401
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sat Aug 06, 2016 12:30 am
dietfiction says...



This is so sad! I was hoping for a sweet ending and it wasn't! I love it! You've built up hope only to have the reader shattered at the end. Great grammar and spelling! But so so sad!




User avatar
18 Reviews

Points: 1939
Reviews: 18

Donate
Thu Aug 04, 2016 2:26 am
clarevelyn13 wrote a review...



Oh no! You made me cry a little with this passage! *grabs tissue* All I can say is that you really captured the emotion and the feelings with this work of yours. This was a much sadder story than I was prepared to read, but I do think it was well-written, and well-planned. As I was reading over it I could easily picture the scene in my mind, so I would say that you have used good descriptors and adjectives in your writing here. I am sitting here feeling so bad for this poor little cub! I was also not expecting the ending to be as it was, but I will say that it was unique, and very effective. The only pieces about this that I would change are a few minimal grammatical issues. Firstly, I feel as though you ought to capitalize "mtawala." However, you are the writer and the creator of this short story and the savanna world within it, so you would know best if that truly needs to be capitalized. I would also say to capitalize "little star," since it is the nick-name that the mother is calling her cub, and since that character is being addressed directly with it. Additionally, I believe that the word "savannah" should drop the "h" and be spelled like "savanna" since you are talking about the biome and not the name. Other than that, I do not see anything else you need to fix! Great writing - keep it up! :)




NympheaLily says...


Thank you!




Revision is one of the exquisite pleasures of writing.
— Bernard Malamud