NYMERIA
YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY
I WILL LEAVE YOU A FULL REVIEW SOON BUT I MEAN SH-- THIS IS SOME POETIC BEAUTIFUL HEART WRENCHING WORK.
GOD BLESS YE
This is my first work on the site, and it's actually something I started two years ago and added a little here and there. I'm wondering whether I should continue it and make it into a novel sort of thing. I'm also not really sure what direction I want it to go in. (warning: it's long)
The Dog
She could hear the cold wind
smashing against the side of the box
where she had made her home.
She had to go out.
She had to get food.
She had to get something soft
for the puppies.
They were coming.
She knew.
They were coming soon.
The mother dog stuck her nose outside.
The icy breeze met her in a bitter welcome.
She stepped out.
She trotted briskly out from the alley.
Around the corner.
Down the street.
Four more streets.
Through the hole in the wire fence.
The big dumpster in the middle
was the best.
Had the most food.
The dog stood on her hind legs
shoved her muzzle under the lid
flipped it up with a jerk of her head.
Half a hot dog.
A couple noodles in a take-out box.
That was it this time.
She scarfed it all down
and ran back to her Box,
belly bulging.
The Boy
He lived normal life.
He went to school.
He played with other boys.
He played video games.
He got into fights with his parents.
Everything was normal.
Easy.
It was all so terribly, incredibly
boring.
Nothing exciting
ever happened.
“Aiden!”
called his mother.
“Time for dinner!”
It was late at night.
The only light was the dull street lamps.
Aiden stared out his window
from his apartment bedroom.
The dark, graffiti-stained alley that his room overlooked
was boring.
Just like everything else.
Something moved.
A shadowy figure darted into the alley
to an old cardboard box.
Aiden wanted desperately
to know what it was.
To go down there.
So he did.
The Dog
She felt defenseless.
Completely, utterly useless.
The first pup had come.
Stillborn.
There was something outside.
It sounded human
and humans were dangerous.
They threw rocks
kicked your flanks
left you on the street
to die.
So she growled.
She barked.
She made sure it was clear
That humans
Were not welcome.
The Boy
A dog.
A sandy brown
Angry
Starving
Pregnant
Dog.
The Dog
A hand
Reached for her.
Slithered into her box.
She growled
And barked
And pushed her ears flat against her head
In fear
The Boy
Teeth.
Sharp ones.
Sharp
Yellow
Teeth.
They filled the mouth
Of the dog.
The sandy brown
Angry
Starving
Pregnant
Dog
He backed away
A few feet
Ten, maybe
To give her space
He heard her shift
Inside her shabby box
How horrible it was
He thought
To live in a cardboard box
A sad
Sad
Life
The Dog
The human left
She thought
He at least was far enough
For her to feel slightly better
The next pup was coming
Out it slipped
Looking the same as the last
Except
This one breathed
As the dog licked her pup
Two more came
Then another
Then she felt an emptiness in her body
There were no more pups to come
The Boy
What can you do for a sandy brown
Angry
Starving
New-mother
Dog?
You can bring her food
And water
And blankets to line her box
The boy ran to his apartment
Grabbed his wallet
Then realized
No store was open at this hour
He opened the fridge
Leftover chicken
Deli ham
Cheese
A bowl of water
He ran back to the alley
His arms full
The Dog
She smelled meat
Not the moldy, garbage kind
But real
Actual
Meat
Saliva dripped from her tongue
Four puppies nursed
One pushed away by its siblings
They drained the last bit of nutrition
From her skinny body
Then curled up at her side
And slept
The Boy
The boy approached the box
Slowly
Carefully
Not wanting to feel the wrath of her teeth
He set the chicken
The ham
The cheese
The bowl of water
Right outside the box
While the dog watched
With weary
Tired eyes
The boy went home
He was tired too
He curled comfortably in his blankets
A luxury
That the dog
Didn't have
The Dog
The scent of the meat was intoxicating
Mouth-watering
But to eat it?
Suspicion in the front of the dog's mind
Years on the street
Will do that to you
If she ate it
She might die
If she didn't eat it
She would probably still die
Along with the newborns pressed against her side
She stretched her muzzle out of the box
And ate every last crumb
The Boy
He woke up early
Much earlier than usual
Because of the dog
Of course
The sandy brown
Angry
Starving
New-mother
Dog
Puppies had filled his dreams
Bouncing
Rolling
Drooling
Puppies
And so he woke up craving puppies
The way you crave chocolate
Or a big
Greasy
Fatty
Slice of bacon
The boy snuck out of his house
His parents shouldn't be awake
For another hour or two
He brought old towels
For the dog
She must get cold on these
Sharp October nights
The Dog
He came again
The human
He wouldn't leave her alone
He was young
Still smelled fresh and lively
Yet he wasn't like the others
Who's stones hit her sides in the streets
NYMERIA
YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY
I WILL LEAVE YOU A FULL REVIEW SOON BUT I MEAN SH-- THIS IS SOME POETIC BEAUTIFUL HEART WRENCHING WORK.
GOD BLESS YE
Hey Nymeria,
I have to say I enjoyed reading this, thank you for sharing it!
I'm going to be reviewing you today with the Critiquing Sandwich and if you don't know what that is, it's our YWS typical style for reviewing work. Today I'll be adding in headers to show what part I'm in, but usually the headers wouldn't be there. Here is the forum where you can read about it The YWS Critique Sandwich
Top Bun: What I liked.
I really liked how the story drew you in. You can scroll down this story and read it really quickly, or you can spend your time on the lines. You can also develop a feeling for these characters because you're really in their heads and you're in the action right there with them. I think you should continue it for as long as you can. You're doing a really good job as it is to create a story in this, and once you get to some sort of conclusion that's rounding and satisfying, I think you can stop. I still want to know more about what the dog does when the boy tires to interact more directly. A lot of short stories and therefor poems that are stories, revolve around pretty short moments, and I think you do a great job of this witht his poem, but you still have room to give us some sort of picture of the future.
Meat: What can improve.
I think you should take off the capitalizations. all of them. If you get rid of all the capitalization in this it won't feel quite so lopsided towards the left where you start the lines. By the end of it there isn't any punctuation anyway, so if you lowercase everything, you'll end up with a poem that's very very organic and stream of consciousness. Plus, if you don't like it, you can always add them back.
Bottom Bun: Conclusion
I really don't have much else to tell you. At the beginning the poem felt a little stiff, but by the end here it's really getting into the characters so if you take of the capitalization you're going to have a really cool piece. It's very unique because of the details you peaked in there too.
I can't wait to see what you do next.
- Aley
That was cool. It was different from everythign thing else I've seen here before. I like it. Is is a like poem story thing? I liked how you went back and forth between the two. I also really liked how you kept repeating the sand brown... thing. I also really like how the dog changes a little bit by the end with the trusting the boy. I can't wait to read more when it comes out. Keep writing!
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