Young Writers Society

Yeah sorry i agree with liz and miya.There is just no feelings your left with at the end of every line or even stanza that trully digs down to the heart break enough, it sounds angry but also sad and does not trully dive head first into either.
I the honesty and raw emotion does come through but you are not doing your own feelings justice i think you may just need to read over what you wrote and phrase it diferently with a more steady mind whilst using the words above or atleast feelings behind them.
Wounds bleed but its when time passes we find out if the wound becomes a scar or not and this my friend unfortunatly sounds like its gonna be a scar but the great thing about poetry is...scars sing.
I look forward to you next one because there is definatly alot of potential here.

I think you are all right. I was just having a really bad evening so I wrote what came to me...I will edit it. Sorry it's so selfabsorbed

I agree very much with Liz, this isnt particulary poetic, although I'm not one to talk I'm terible with poetry! Even so, i didnt really enjoy reading this in all fairness i found it a bit self obsessed, which can be fine in poetry if written in the right way. I think that if you put yourself into this poem more, deeper emotions and way of thinking it could be really good.

good luck!

Miyaviloves

Poetry shouldn't seem like an echo of something you'd say on the phone, it's about heightened emotion and using heghtened language to convey it. Your line breaks don't really mean anything, and you could squash all this together and you'd have a paragraph of angst. The topic is fine, but you need to make it fresh. What you've written could be anyone's.