Heya!
I liked this. The genre-savvy grandma alone made this a great read.
Other werewolves would know what had transpired, and they would hunt him down for his transgression.
I'm a little confused as to why Terry is still worried about this. It seems like he's already being hunted down, so why would he be concerned about more folks after him? It seems like his immediate personal safety would be supreme in his mind, so wouldn't he try to get rid of any and all threats to himself?
Terry strikes me very much as a nice guy. Therefore, I'm not feeling threatened by him. I'm not feeling really any sort of real conflict in him in terms of whether or not he should kill Jean. It seems really obvious from the beginning that he's not going to hurt her, mostly from the apologetic tone he has the whole time. He seems to appreciate the quietness of the kitchen (or at least takes the time to observe it). He doesn't immediately strike down the old lady or try to threaten her, just asks her to leave him alone. He doesn't seem like a threatening person at all and so we don't expect him to do anything that is threatening. Is this your intention?
Jean felt a little stiff. It was mostly her dialogue. It felt rather unrealistic. I know she's an older character and so she can't talk like a twenty-something, but she seems rather long-winded and artificial sometimes. It got a little grating after a bit.
I'd love to see a little more background in the beginning actually. As is, the only characterization for Terry is what we've seen with the the old lady, so we can't tell for sure just how he got all ripped up. It seems like he is too nice a guy to go around picking fights and if the code is so strict, it seems like he's a nice enough guy that he might even be considered "weak" and isn't there a rule against attacking the weaker one? There's something mentioned about him intruding on someone else's territory. So what prompted that? What exactly got him into this situation? I assume you'll tell us more in the second part, but for purposes of characterization, a little more insight into his motivations early one would be nice. It would just help us get into his head a little more and have a handle on who he is.
There are quite a few instances of "patch up" being used. A few too many, methinks. It seems to pop up every few sentences, to the point of being quite conspicuous and almost annoying. Some different phrases would be nice.
I like the interaction between the two characters and want to see more. I look forward to seeing where they came from and where they are going. And yes, the shotgun-toting granny is pretty awesomesauce.
Moving on to part two...
~GryphonFledgling
Points: 42011
Reviews: 922
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