He presses his nose
against cold glass,
and wonders,
not for the first time,
what it's like
to be the rain.
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138,538 Literary Works • 672,152 Reviews
Hi Nugen!
I actually really like this poem. It presented something I hadn't thought about before, and that's something I find really important in poetry.
The simplicity was divine. I wish there were some commas though, to smooth out the way we read it and to provide a little break. You just want the commas right after "wonders" and "time," because "not for the first time" is an interrupter, it's a different thought, and it needs to be offset somehow. You could also use dashes or parenthesis. I know punctuation is sometimes clunky and I can understand the desire not to use any, but honestly I think this would be perfection if you had them.
Or, honestly, I don't think you need the "not for the first time" line. the poem works the same without it, and honestly, when I read it at first, I read it as "for the first time" and I liked it a little better because it was like, he was seeing the world for the first time, he had had some sort of epiphany, and I love epiphanies.
You could leave the reader guessing whether he had thought this thing before while also reducing your word count. The shorter the poem is, and if it still provides the thought within the poem in a good way that flows, generally the more kick the poem has.
I like that the title is the answer to the boy's wondering, and it was in good taste to make it the title. Good choice with that, even though "free" as a title is a little cliche, it works perfectly with this piece.
Honestly, this is one of the best poems I've read on here in a while, so great job.
I hope this helped a bit, keep writing!
~fortis
Hi blablabl92 here!
This poem, short as it is, was very beautiful! For some reason it gave me a nostalgic feeling, as well as a cozy, warm feel. Good job!
Anyways, the only thing that I would change is that you might want to add punctuation after ever line, even if it's all commas.
"He presses his nose,
against cold glass,
and wonders
not for the first time;
what it's like,
to be the rain. "
It might look better this way, but that's just my opinion.
Also, I feel like "and wonders" and "not for the first time" should be together in a sentence? Or maybe just separated more evenly.
But other than that, I loved this poem, so keep writing!
Hey! Elysium here with a review.
So, for this being in the Green Room for quite a while and also being in the literary spotlight is quite an achievement. Consider yourself lucky!
So first, not that this is wrong, but in my eyes it looked a bit odd.
When I read that, I looked a bit odd with the word "not" being in their. I don't know if you should put "yet" before "not" or just take out the work.
Other than that, I will note that I really do adore the lack of punctuation in the poem, it just makes the poem seem less clustered together and it looks cleaner, I guess I could say. I also love how the protagonist wonders what freedom and independence feels like. They seem like they are in confinement and locked away.
Overall, I really love this. I want to see more of your poetry. Don't give up and always write!
-Elysium
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Very vivid images in very few words. It's hard to do that. You managed it easily. I'm not very good with poetry. I'm terrible as far as I know. But I do know a couple things, enough to correct the only mistake I can see.
First off, lovely piece of work.
You have no punctuation. Not one little bit. Just run through it and paste a couple periods and commas in there. Isn't hard.
So it's one sentence. Only period needed goes right on the end, but comas are a little different. You need a couple in there.
That's the only way I can see to do it, but you read over and see if there isn't a way you like more. Your work! I can only make suggestions, you are the only one that can change anything about it.
Sorry I couldn't give more, I did all I could. It was a short work though, so I use that as my excuse for my short review.
KEEP WRITING!
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Very vivid images in very few words. It's hard to do that. You managed it easily. I'm not very good with poetry. I'm terrible as far as I know. But I do know a couple things, enough to correct the only mistake I can see.
First off, lovely piece of work.
You have no punctuation. Not one little bit. Just run through it and paste a couple periods and commas in there. Isn't hard.
So it's one sentence. Only period needed goes right on the end, but comas are a little different. You need a couple in there.
That's the only way I can see to do it, but you read over and see if there isn't a way you like more. Your work! I can only make suggestions, you are the only one that can change anything about it.
Sorry I couldn't give more, I did all I could. It was a short work though, so I use that as my excuse for my short review.
KEEP WRITING!
Welcome to YWS!
Really enjoyed this- tired to write a review but
1) There weren't any mistakes to point out
2) I can't put into words how nicely this all went together
So just leaving a little comment instead. Great work. Keep writing!
I love the rhetorical nature of this verse.
it induces the feeling of emphathy and sympathy from those who read it.
very good.
keep writing.