Ooh, this piece is quite strong.
Your chorus sells the whole piece, it really does, giving a strong basis that you expand on pretty nicely. I would nitpick that you don't need the 'in' at the beginning of the second line, and I'd switch out the 'you' in the fourth for a 'so,' but really, it's a memorable chorus that I could easily imagine hearing on the radio.
The way you say the narrator is on the attack in the first stanza is a little odd, since for most of the rest of the song he seems to be... not running away, but definitely trying to disengage with the situation, not really fight back, and in the third stanza he feels more wistful than angry. If you're trying to show a progression in the narrator's emotions, it kinda works, you just spend a lot more time on him walking away or feeling wistful, rather than being angry.
You made me remember what being safe is
This line feels awkward to me. Could it be "With you, I remember safety," or something like that?
You say you love me, but I know it ain't true
You say you can see me, but I can see through you
Cliche, honestly. You could delete these lines and have little to no effect on the piece - I know you can do better.
Your rhyming is kind of inconsistent, especially in the first stanza. I've been trying to figure out a pattern to it, but I'm not coming up with anything. I don't think it's a huge deal, as it didn't throw me off when I was reading.
When I see your face and I really do miss
When I held my hand in yours and looked you in the eyes
When your lips landed on mine for a short moment and we let it all unfold
I think your third line could do without 'short moment,' and there are a few too many "when"s right here - could "the way" work instead?
Because the love's all gone
I guess I'm dead
But that isn't part of this song
That last line made me cringe a little - it feels far too meta and self-aware for this piece.
I hate to spend my whole time nitpicking, but I'm not sure what else to say except prune. Cut out words that you don't need and that trip up the flow. Parts of this are still rather generic, so if you can think of something better, do, but I think sometimes it's generic because the emotions involved are nearly universal, and that's all right.
That's all I've got for this one. On to the next.
My suggestion is that you give this a read through and see if there are any extra words that the lyrics don't need.
Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085
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