Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKay....this is a bit of a mixed start here. On one hand, I think its decent, its got enough stuff to be interesting and I think I may have gotten interested enough to want to read more, but it does have a number of places that need some work.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Emma Williams' iPone 4S buzzed the fifth time in two minutes. It was her delicious boyfirend, Marko, the swim team captain at Meriwether Prep. Usually, Emma would jump at the chance to talk to him, but now his questions had left her at a standstill.

What do you want to do this weekend for your sweet 16, babe??

Okay....an interesting start. Not entirely sure where this one is meant to be going here. On one hand, I'm getting a slightly creepy vibe from this whole situation, but then this also seems to be potentially meant to be wholesome...so....well I'm not sure which direction I should be taking this in.

He continued on to rattle off invitations to mansion parties, private gallery openings, a fine yacht dinner around New York's harbor. And Emma would have loved any of those. But her father, an important business tycon at Paramount Pictures, just left her a distressing call. Her mother, a stay-at-home trophy wife, was upset with him for forgetting their wedding anniversary.

Well, he didn't say that exactly, but through his words and her knowledge, Emma gleamed the truth. And her mother's request was the last thing Emma wanted for her sweet 16 weekend.

OKay....a bit of a break in flow there. The start was going pretty decently, but that just seems to completely break the flow to an extent there by just going oddly specific detail, the upset situation could've been given with a lot less detail and it would make sense and blend a lot better into that paragraph rather than this current form where it ends up breaking the flow a bit.

Her mother was insisting on a trip to their lavish Maine home. In the middle of nowhere.

Emma knew this was one of the few things she could argue her way out of. When her erractic mother every now and then demanded a family trip to Maine, not even Barbra Streisand tickets could stop her from dragging Emma, her obnoxious brother Tyler, and father to the cabin. Emma had no idea how to tell ANY of her friends, much less Marko, that she would be across state borders for her birthday. Marko would probably try to argue Emma's way out of it with her dad, the same way he argued into letting her go to prom his junior year when she was a freshman. And Emma's best friend, Laurel, would throw one of her famous drama queen fits.

Hmm, this little run through of the reactions of several people in her family is actually kind of done well I think. It manages to flow somewhat well as a chaotic flow of random thoughts although I would say it maybe goes by a bit faster than would be preferable.

No, there was no way that she could phrase it. Emma sat up in her queen canopy bed, and dug out her pink Louis Vuitton luggage from the depths of her walk-in closet, and called Maria, her housemaid, up to pack her things through the intercom.

Hmm, you seem to be emphasizing her status a tiny bit too much almost. At this point we can clearly see that she is from a pretty wealthy family and some crazy things are going on, so that feels a bit unnecessary.

"Hola Maria, can you come up here and pack my stuff for the weekend trip to Maine? Gracias!"

Emma then strutted over to her older brother Tyler's room, where he stayed when he was home from Cornell. Heavy rock music poured out of the door, as well as a strange odor Emma didn't WANT to identify.

"Tyler? TYLER!"

She heard a crash from inside the room, and figured he must of fallen out of his hammock---again.

Okay....well, ends on a bit of a slight cliffhanger. I do like to see that. That does make you want to figure out what might have happened, which I think is a good ending. This little scene in general does seem like a fairly fitting ending here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is not a bad start to a story. It needs a bit of work, but the basic premise seems interesting and like something I would potentially read.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry