Published December 23, 2012
this failed
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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hello,
I'm rather confused as to why you deleted this. think you should just edit it a little bit. Trust me, if you feel like people are being to "criticizey" (That is a word now... okay?) just ignore it and only take in the parts that don't make you feel bad. If you ever need someone to help you with an idea, or run a story by, I'll be here for you. I have troubles sometimes too, but I think that's part of being a writer, you know what I mean? Don't get frustrated with your work if you think it's not good. Just remember, there is always someone who will love your work.
No, that's not why, I just didn't like the story and didn't want reviews on something I wasn't working on
Hello there.
I'll start with an overall impression. Not really powerful. I'm reading words with no feelings behind them, maybe it's an overused topic. There's definitely an idea there, but there's no "BANG!" behind the bullet. [I'm thinking add real characters, names, setting, places, feelings (aside from the above mentioned of love), and depth to personalities.]
A few minor things:
You don't have the italicized character really saying anything. [(I'm presuming italics is a girl, the "quotes" is a guy.) <--work on distinguishing characters.] So, if a reader just read the quoted parts, it would almost seem like a person is talking to an imaginary friend. Adding characterization would help with that.
Through the entire thing I don't even see the mention of a setting. This could be outside, on a sunny day, in the summer, in the winter, the reader has no idea. Setting is the foundation of a story. without it, its just words and people in only God knows where.
Add the few things, tweak some others and this could be a great piece. Hope I've helped.
Keep writing
ASH
Well, I find this a little typical and cliche. The problem I have with it is that the characters really aren't developed in a way that makes them unique or likable or compelling, to me personally, at least. The topic's a bit overworked and so to make it your own you really have to find some out-of-the-box method.
This isn't truly bad, it's just nothing new. I would advise adding depth and personality to your characters so we can come to empathize with them; in a short story like this, it's vital that you do a lot with a little, so if you want to keep it short, use your words wisely.
Keep writing.