I officially hate river. It all started one ordinary day. I was farming and my friend Sha Ping said to me, “You should go get some rice so we can eat lunch.” I had to go up into the mountains and cross the river at a really rocky ledge. When I was coming back half my bucket spilled. After going through all that trouble to get a little rice I started to brainstorm ideas for a new type of bridge that can cross larger areas and the river that separates Ikcho. Ikcho is in a small valley separated by a small but mighty river fed by snowmelt in the mountains.
Ping helped me come up with ideas when he was free. For example one time he came up with an idea to put a support in the middle of the bridge. It was a good idea, but we soon figured out that the water would erode it in less than a year. That idea was off the table.
The Song were looking for officers to replace older ones. Ping decided he would take the civil service exam and he asked me to go with him because the journey was filled with bandits and you weren't allowed to take the exam without having another person with you.
While we were traveling we heard a voice, “Hold it right there.”
Ping told him, “We mean no trouble for we are merely travelers.”
He responded, “The NanJu has ordered all travelers shall be checked and screened.”
I asked why and he told me that a precious woodblock print has been stolen. After we were screened we continued on our way. As we were riding our horses we came across a street vendor who was selling porcelain and steel utensils. Ping bought a steel jug so that while he was taking his test he could always have water. While we were buying the jug Ping’s paper money flew away which made us mad. We decided to go play some cards to blow off some steam because we were having some problems. After a quarter hour the mechanical clock went off so we left.
When we got to the imperial city we heard a boom so we rushed over to the direction it happened so we could help in case someone got injured. It turned out that it was just a new invention they were testing out called gunpowder. Gunpowder exploded so they could do tons of things with it. Right before Ping’s Civil Exam they required that Ping was to get a Smallpox vaccine so he wouldn't die on the job.
When we got back home after Pings exam I had an idea to make a new type of bridge. If we were to make the bridge shaped like an arch it would hold its shape and not fall down.
Ping and I decided to make a small scale model to design the bridge after. We went to the main town building to propose our idea, but we realized we forgot the small model. When we got home the model was gone!
We thought we had left it somewhere else, but it was nowhere to be found. Ping told me to sleep on it and maybe we would find it in the morning. We woke up to the sound of voices outside. We opened the door and a man wearing silk robes and had the feature of a hawk said he was looking for Ping. The man told us he was Qi Zhang, son of the emperor, and Ping had aced the civil service test.
As he was talking a man with the look of a rat and reeked of sweat. His voice was scratchy and barely understandable. He told Zhang that he made a bridge that was specially shaped into an arch that would bear the burden of much more weight. I was furious that this shabby man had attempted to steal my idea right before my eyes!
I said to Zhang that this excuse of a man had stolen my model right from my tinkering table. Ping sided with me and said he had seen me make it with his own eyes. I proclaimed to him that we had written our names on it. We convinced Zhang to get the model.
We eventually convinced Zhang that the model was mine. Zhang sent the man who had stolen our idea to jail, Ping became an advisor of the emperor, and I ended up finally getting my rice.
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
Hi Nooriscoolerthanyou and me,
Mailice here with a short review!
An extraordinary short story with a very hurried ending. It definitely stayed in the back of my mind while reading.
You got off to a good start, starting with a small detail to introduce the character, and then moving more and more in a different direction throughout the chapter, though this does detract a little from the plot and the believability that goes with it. I think it would definitely help if you thought a bit more about what exactly is coming from the second half onwards, because you suddenly set a really fast pace from one section to the next.
But I still like the story. It has something of a fairy tale in the way the ending presents itself because you start with a theme of anxiety/fear and coming out of it and then a kind of justice prevailing. It makes me feel like this is an old legend being told and find that it also makes the story read with a nice ulterior motive.
In summary, I'd recommend you try to slow down the pace a bit in the second half (around the point where Ping gets his inoculation) so you don't get straight into a home stretch like that.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
I like how you had a wonderful ending an he got what he wanted rice. I like your hook but i wonder if you could decribe it more.I also like your tittle because it is simple but it decribe the entire story. I also like how you show not tell in thxs story.I also like how I can tell that you learned something from this because you really explane the song and by the way the names sound? I also like how you described the hole story because i can ser a ver y crear image in my head.Over all well written story!
I like how you had a wonderful ending an he got what he wanted rice. I like your hook but i wonder if you could decribe it more.I also like your tittle because it is simple but it decribe the entire story. I also like how you show not tell in thxs story.I also like how I can tell that you learned something from this because you really explane the song and by the way the names sound? I also like how you described the hole story because i can ser a ver y crear image in my head.Over all well written story!
I liked your conflict because it made me want to read your story. You had good grammar and also great spelling. /i wonder if you could have had more showing not telling. Overall I thought you could have more descriptive vocab but good job.
I like how your story flows together. But some of the things were too convenient like the vaccine and the gunpowder. Also it was not obvious what period this took place in. Otherwise I think this was a good story.I like how your story flows together. But some of the things were too convenient like the vaccine and the gunpowder. Also it was not obvious what period this took place in. Otherwise I think this was a good story.I like how your story flows together. But some of the things were too convenient like the vaccine and the gunpowder. Also it was not obvious what period this took place in. Otherwise I think this was a good story.
Nice story!
I like how you showed us and didn't tell us. I like that you had so much detail that I could actually feel his emotions and understand what happening. I like that you explained everything very clearly explained so I could understand the story well and know whats happening. I have 1 I wonder and that is I wonder if you could explain more about the civil rights test and not just say that the emperors son was looking for him because he aced the test. This is up to you if you want to change it I was just wondering, otherwise this is a fantastic story! Good job!
Great Story!
I really like the story! I really like paragraph number 8 when the gunpowder blows up, I really liked how you put that in there. In paragraph number 4 I wonder if you could know what the guy looked like, was he old; young? I was also wondering do they really need the model? This I wonder is totally up to you if you want to change it. Maybe you could say how Ping is doing in her test as she is doing it, and what are you doing when she is taking the test. Maybe you could have a name for yourself in the story to. Overall your story was really good, I really liked the idea about the bridge!
-Somommy
Hey Noor,
I really liked your story! First of all, all of your historical facts were used correctly. Second, I liked it because it was exciting, and entertaining to read. There were some things that you could have gone into detail with though. Maybe describe the conditions of a civil service exam, or how the character felt when they were going to take the civil service exam.
Overall, great and well-written story!