Published November 27, 2009
This is a short kissing scene in one of my books. Hope you enjoy!
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“No. Please wait,” she called after him. He froze instantly as the first word came out, “I was actually looking for you,” She said in a nervous voice.
He turned to face her and cocked an eyebrow up then said “Me? I thought you were mad at me?”
“I was.” She took a couple steps forward until she was standing in front of him, “And I’m sorry. I acted completely childish and had no right to yell at you…” He was looking down at her with the eyes that she so much loved. She had an urge to reach up and touch his cheek with her finger tips. Danielle had to look away just to get the urge out of her system and out of her mind. “It’s okay if you don’t forgive me. I’ll understand.”
Danielle could hear him sigh. He gripped her chin with his fingers and made her head turn and look up straight at him. No don’t do that, if you do that then I’ll want to touch you Danielle thought then had an idea to close her eyes before she got the urge to look into her favorite eyes. Danielle felt Matthias get closer to her and then felt him bend down. What is he doing then suddenly she felt his lip touch hers and her eyes shot open and she jumped back away from him.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me…” he said. Matthias was breathing hard and looking down.
Danielle didn’t know what to say or do so she did what she did best. Ran. She ran pass him and into the hall. Danielle ran until she could find her room and locked both doors. She wanted a chain around each door knob so that it wasn’t possible for anyone to come it and then one appeared out of nowhere. Danielle was breathing hard but not from being out of breath but because of what just happened in the library. Does that count as a first kiss? She asked herself.
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141,707 Literary Works • 675,596 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is interesting. Its a bit hard to process exactly what vibe you're going for here. We get the idea of the whole apologetic person who is also clearly possessing a massive crush on this person. That part works well. The dude here though seems hurt but also the way you describe his actions is not really in line there. That seems more confident and a little arrogant so we're left with slightly mixed signals there.
Well that was quite the awkward moment. Hmm, not sure what to make of that one either. Given we don't get an insight into the mind of this person its hard to say if this one also has a similar crush and so when we say that one make that first move especially after confusing signals at the start this is honestly a little random as opposed to romantic at least for me. Something about the way it seems sudden instead of hesitant also rubs the wrong way here.
Okay...that is quite the place to end on there. It definitely capitalizes well on the not so great feelings we had from the beginning and I think perhaps you did in fact wants thing to come off the way it does, because in that sense this is quite nicely executed and the emotions on display especially at the end there are great.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Bonjour! I'm Kate. I liked this, but you left me wanting more! Although, that's a good thing.
Grammar:
The bold 'she' wouldn't be capitalized because the sentence hasn't ended yet.
There shouldn't be another 'and'. Just a typo, I'm sure.
This should be, "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," he said. Don't use an ellipsis in this sentence. Instead, just use a comma as shown above.
As Talulahbelle said, you changed your tense. Be careful of that! On that note, this sentence would be incorrect as well.
These sentences are really good, I just suggest that you re-word them so 'urge' isn't so close together. Sounds a little off.
I love that you let us get into Danielle's mind! However, there doesn't need to be quotes around the phrase. Just italics.
Overall, I thought this was pretty good! There iaren't very many stories that are told from third person. You did an excellent job, just watch subject verb agreement! Will you post more? I would really like to read more of this story.
Keep Writing!
-Kate
Thanx! That makes it easier.
Hello! This is really good! Thing is, you lose your tense in the last paragraph. Run should be Ran and "what she does best" should be something like "what she did best".
And your title...I love this title. Its so telling and emotional, but its been used quite a bit. I've read too books titled "The Awakening" myself and I'm sure there are probably more. Just a heads up!