The Truth About Our World.

Very interesting! I love his sneering attitude, it really draws my attention and makes me want to see where it came from. A story about a place of outcasted fantasy creatures has a LOT of potential! Have fun with it, go crazy.

A few things:

I’m not, and in opposition to the popular concept of elves being generous, accepting, and honorable, I was disowned

and you can shove them all up that mouth in your ass

Comments in red.

Nolan wrote:If you’re looking for a fantastic adventure with magnificent creatures and wonderful knights in shining armor, then go away "then go away": I'd say that this might be too blunt for an opener. There are ways to keep the same concept, but to tone it down and keep it from putting the reader on alert. It could be a real turn-off for some people (nearly was for me); you don’t belong here. On the other hand, if you’re looking for the truth, then hello, friend. My name is Lorlan, and I shall be your guide. I can't tell if the "shall" is meant to be cheeky or serious. If it's cheeky then it's cute and I like it. If it's not, well, I'd revise

I was born in the elf capital, Meridium, 85 eighty-fiveyears ago. My mother and father were, well, beautiful, as are all other members of elf society. I think this line ("My mother...society") could handle some revision. It's not that it's confusing, but it doesn't flow too well.I’m not, and in opposition to the popular concept of elves being generous, accepting, and honorable, I was disowned The sentence is set up as if he's going to say he's not generous, accepting, or honorable. When I hit the end, I'll admit, I was a bit disappointed.. They took me to the City of Lost Souls, which is a slum in which the scum Slum and scum! It rhymes! Yeah, I'd fix that.of the world take residence, and left me there. I still haven’t forgiven them...Explain how it's a slum; what it looks like, what it feels like. I can't pity him if I don't know what he's talking about.

In contrast to my ancestors and most of the elves of lore, I’m what some might call extremely ugly. Where most elves have long, flowing, golden, silk-like hair, I have short, choppy, wiry hair that’s about the color of mud. Where they are tall and graceful, I’m short and clumsy (5 feet and 7five-foot-seven inches tall, to be exact). I have a beard, which is something rarely found on an elf, and it’s a bitch to keep clean, but I like the way it looks....How old is he? When it started, I thought he was, like thirteen or something. But he has a beard. And yes, I know you said that he's 85, but with the slow aging of elves you must convert that to people years when considering your writing. Also "a bitch to keep clean"? What time period is this set in?

When I was a child on the streets, I had to fight to protect myself, as did all the other people. And, in those situations, close bonds are formed. Mine was with AlfieThe name doesn't seem to fit the setting, but okay., who’s like a brother to me. Alfie is short. I mean, he’s really short. But that’s okayYou spell "okay" the right way! Bonus points!; he’s a dwarf, and dwarves are supposed to be short. He’s a very argumentative little guy, but, underneath it all, I know that he has a heart of cold granite.Haha, cute. But the dwarf/elf thing smacks of Legolas and Gimli from The Lord of the Rings

Alfie and I were always the outcasts of the city, which is compounded by the fact that it’s already a city of outcasts. Yeah I get that. Shorten this. "Alfie and I were outcasts in a city of outcasts" or similar.We’ve never cared though; we wouldn’t have had fun even if we weren’t outcasts, so why bother? I like the concept of this line, but I think it needs to be more concise.

Now, if this were the traditional load of shit, I’d tell you a story of heroism, courage, and triumph. This isn’t. Like, I said before, I’m sticking to the truth. Nothing good ever happens in our world. There are no heroes, there are only villainsConsidering the diction, I wouldn't expect him to say villains. Bad-guys works better, though not really. Dunno what to tell you.. We don’t strive for acceptance, we don’t fight to break a maiden out of a tower. Nope, what you have read previously is a gross misunderstanding.

Good doesn’t win here; it never existed.Suggestion: "...win here because it never..." Evil always has and always will reign supreme. The workers will work I assume that workers are understood to work. Find a different verb. to no avail to support themselves and their families, and they will always failWoo Avail and fail! Another rhyme! Really, though, you need to keep an eye out for that. People who do a lot of reading zone in on those and they get really annoying. We will get trod upon numerous times, and not once will somebody have the courage to object. If we see something “bad” happening, we’ll turn the other cheek.

We’re not the bullshit you’ve read about previously, we’re the truth, and we just don’t care anymore. So you can take your bubblegum fairies, you can take your altruistic elves, you can take your noble wizards, and you can shove them all up that mouth in your ass...what? Odd imagery there.. We just don’t care. So, leave us alone, we don’t need you complicating things any further.


Never Yours,



Lorlan
(The Angry Elf)Does he call himself "the angry elf"? I'd expect something else... the "real deal" or similar. After setting it up as a world full of anger, is he really especially angry?

OK, I agree. I like the MC's attitude, it makes him(or her) easier to relate to, given that I'm a teen.

I also think it's kind of amusing that in the "fantastic adventures with magnificent creatures and wonderful knights in shining armor" the elves are always small, and here 5 feet is short for an elf. And that brings up the fact that you never use just the plain number; always spell it out.

I assume this is a guy, since (he?) has a beard, but it would be good to clear that up for us readers.

Now Alfie has a heart of "cold granite" and that sounds good the way you put it in your story, but I'm not sure cold anything is good., if you understand what I'm saying.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch any nitpicks and I really don't like dealing with those, so I'll leave them to someone else.

I guess you're continuing this, and if you aren't planning on I think you should. There's way too many questions to end it here. Of course, if you are continuing, the questions are good, they make readers want to go on. Always have unanswered questions until the last page.

Overall, great start. The MC has emotion and seems really real. As I said, I can relate to him well. PM me when (if?) the rest comes out, or if you have any questions.

Hello.

Well, I certainly like the MC's cocky, attention-grabbing narrative. This is very creative and unique. I can say that I geniunely enjoyed it. I guess I was reading too fast to really catch any nitpicks, so sorry.

Just one thing: Uh, so what time frame is this in? I mean, your MC sounds like someone from 2008, just sort of medieval. Are they just mystical creatures in the modern world? Hmmm. Be nice to get that straight.

Also, I'd like to know WHY he's such a different elf. WHY is he ugly? Of course, this is just the first part, I'm assuming, so perhaps you will elaborate in the future.

And now I leave you with the knowledge that if you continue this I will read on.