Hello. My name is-
“Woman!” I hear my husband scream. “Get in here!”
I slowly get up from the couch, barely able to carry my
own weight on my extremely thin legs. It’s been several days since I’ve eaten,
and it’s starting to show again…
I shamble into his office, hoping against hope he’s
sober. But the empty beer bottles surrounding his desk prove otherwise. “Y-
yes?” I whimper.
“What the hell is this?” he snarls, holding up a
scribbled piece of paper I had doodled on while he was asleep.
“It’s… a sheet of paper…” I stare at the floor and lean
against the door, feeling my knees start to shake. Part from starvation, part
from fear.
“I don’t recall myself using this. And I’m running low on
paper. And you think, you THINK, that you can use one for a pointless drawing?”
I could tell he was getting angry, and the booze wasn’t helping.
“I…I was bored…”
“Bored. You were bored. Even though half the house is a
disaster area. You were bored.” He took his glasses off and rose slowly. My knees
couldn’t take it anymore. I collapsed. Big mistake on my part.
“Roger…Please I’ll get to cleaning right away…” I choked
out a whisper, so quiet even I could barely hear it over my own heartbeat.
He walked over and I prayed that he would show pity.
Instead, all he showed me was the bottom of his boot on my face. I winced when
his boot stomped on my face, trying hopelessly to fight back tears.
“A drawing. To cure your boredom. I put food on the
table, clothes on your back, and a roof over your head. All I want is one!” he
stomps again, this time on my side. “Sheet!” He stomps again, forcing me to
clutch at my torso. “Of paper!” He kicks into my stomach, leaving me in tears.
“I’m sorry… it won’t happen again…” I manage between
bursts of tears.
“You’re damn right it won’t. Otherwise I would have to
hurt you.”
I nod, my black hair covering my pale face.
“Now get out of my office, you dysfunctional disgrace.”
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hello, sphealwithithere, happy reviewing day to you
I think that this piece belongs more at the beginning of a chapter more than a prologue. You need to add more descriptions into this. You need to make people feel as if they are watching certain events take place. It has potential trust me.
If you were to change the husband character slightly then he wouldn't be seen as a typical abusive husband. If you were to add a back story perhaps. That's just one idea. I'm not trying to put your story down because I couldn't write stuff like this, just try to make it less cliche and you could have something here.
Sphealwithit out..
It is true what they others have said. It doesn't seem to fit the normal prologue. A reader will read when they are emotionally engaged with the character. They read so that they can be a different person in a different life that is possibly similar or extraordinarily different from their own. They are looking for an emotional experience. Add some descriptive details to the setting. Possibly smells, sights (which you did some), and other details that give the reader a true sense of being there. Instead of simply saying the husband was angry. Describe the emotion, instead of just stating it. "His face, already flushed by the alcohol, steamed with frustration and drunken anger toward me." Make the reader feel threatened by this man, and make them feel the pain when that boot comes down on her fragile body.
Also, like mentioned before, give some personality to the characters portrayed. I understand you wanted this to be a prologue, but based off of what was written, it could be an interesting scene in one of your chapters. So, I would save this piece when you are ready to begin writing full chapters.
Most importantly, keep writing despite what critiques say! Trust me, I'm not the most fluent writer...if I'm fluent at all. I've only dabbled in a few writing books and plan to take a few writing courses in college. However, from what I hear, the only way to be good, is to write, write, write, write, and write. Do that, and I'll be looking forward to reading this again someday! Thank you for sharing this piece with us, NoirLumiere, and may your story be heard!
I agree with the others. That has been done waaaaaaaaaaaay to many times. But other than that it was realy interesting and if you wrote more I would have kept on reading.
- Pbuddy10
I agree with LouisCypher, the husband is just like every other abusive husband out there so why should I want to continue? You see where i'm going with this? That's how readers will react just from the first few sentences. This doesn't feel like a prologue, it's a chapter to me, not a very interesting one too. It's cliche and has been done too many times to be original anymore. If you're going to continue with this then i'd suggest giving your characters more character. Make us care about them, make us want to be on her side. Hell, make the husband interesting, him being a drunk, and abusive is very old material.
I hope this constructive criticism helps.
Hi there NoirLumiere, my name is Louis and I will be reviewing this incredibly clichè, cheesy and lacking prologue!
Right then, where to start from...
First, I don't see why this is a prologue. Everything seems to be completely in character and so forth, to the point where I thought this was a first chapter, not a prologue. Then I glanced further up and realized this is, in point of fact, a prologue. Why is it a prologue?
Oh, you said no nit-picking. Excuse me for pointing out something relevant. Onwards, then!
Both the husband and the incredibly fearful wife are incredibly stereotypical and bland. They possess not a shred of originality, nothing to separate them from the identical masses of abusive husbands and scared wives. There is also a notable lack of description in this. They could be anywhere really. China, America, Mars... there could be dragons prancing outside the window, the floors could be made of chrome, it could be stinking of rotting food and discarded socks, but we'll never know, because you were too lazy to tell us. Hurrah!
I suggest you seriously reconsider the existence of this prologue. Give the characters a little bit of depth, three-dimensionality, make them somehow original, different from all the others out there. And, if they do actually possess these traits, show them to us! Once you've done that, give the setting some color maybe, perhaps tell us where this incredibly clichè tale of abuse is happening... you know. Stuff like that. Why should we, readers, continue reading this? There is nothing in particular that is compelling us. No particularly beautiful description, no particularly interesting characters, no nothing. It seems like a rough outline more than a complete chapter.
Cheers and hope this helped
-Louis