Escape is (Im)Possible
They soon will see you
You know this to be true
They want to spill your blood
Make it flow until it floods
They will try to make you learn
They want to see you burn
They are everywhere
They want your skin to tear
They are everyone
The want you to be done
They will take you down
They will make you drown
They are out of time
They are about to die
You're the first to survive
Go enjoy your life
This was just a dream
Try not to scream
You are still in their clutches
Next, the door unlatches
They walk in with their knives
You are nothing in their eyes
Change of Heart
(Note, this was from the perspective of a wolf)
(You look over, in the night
First to your left, then your right
You hear a hoot, you hear a howl
Right behind you, a low, deep growl
Try to run, try to hide,
They just might find, where you died
You might be fast, you might be quick
This way I know, that your not sick
You draw your weapon, you show me the knife
It's futile though, I'll still take your life
You swing the knife, you hurl the blade,
I still have the scar, that you made
I bite your calf, I bite your thigh
You screamed aloud, you wondered why
I tore your skin, I ripped you flesh
All that's left, is a bloody mess
What is this rush, what is this high?
As I taste the blood, from your thigh
I eat your flesh, I eat your bone
I now realize, I'm not alone
I turn around, I see the face
Of the one who followed me, to this place
I turn around, I turn to flee
That old man, will never catch me
I heard a sound, I turned this night
To see a child, who lost her sight
I walked over calmely, I walked over with care
Not to give, this young girl a scare
I walked over cautiously, I kissed her face
I now realized, I loved Grace
Here's poem two!
If you want us to know it's from the point of view of a wolf, you have to leave us hints and show us that it is, not tell us. For example, you could rename this 'Wolf Heart' which would give us a clue and then talk about paws and panting and we'll soon get the idea.
Again, it feels like you're choosing words because they rhyme rather than because they're the right word. There's a lot of words that sound like each other and you don't need an exact rhyme as you showed in your first piece. Think about what you want to say, then find a word that fits and if need be change the first line until they're both what you want to say and they both fit.Change of Heart
1. Take away the author's note! That's cheating
2. The start of the third line breaks the flow. It's too fragmented compared to this really solid beat you build in the others. You don't have to start it with 'you', but could instead try something like: 'What was that? Try to run, try to hide'.
3. Wait, where you died? That doesn't make any sense. You need more imagery to explain what's happening at this point or what you mean by this because at the moment it feels like you chose the word just so you could rhyme and that's not the way to go at all!
4.
For example, and I'm doing this entirely off of my head so there's no pre-written lines. I've asked my housemate to give me two things he wants me to cover. He says for line one 'I've got a car' and for line two 'I don't want to be stuck in the snow'. These two thoughts don't rhyme and aren't the same rhythm or length. So here's my working how to put them together:
The engine revs, she spits and roars like a wendigo
but my car won't move 'cos there's too much snow
Or
The cars sit nose to nose like the teeth of a comb,
I beep my horn; I long for home.
I like the second of these better as it gets in that not wanting to be in the snow, while with the first I gave in a little and went for a more implied version. Hopefully this gives you some ideas of how you can rework two lines until they say what you want in the way that you want!
Now there's nothing to say you can't have in your mind an impression of what you want to say and then check with a rhyming dictionary if there's a word that will fit/ help. But if there's not, be willing to change the first line! The way I created my second one was I thought of line two first and decided I could end with home. Then I decided line one should be describing the cars in some way and I thought of daisy chains or dominoes. But then I looked in the rhyme dictionary and saw things like 'dome' or 'chrome'. And for a moment I thought, chrome! Ah, cars and chrome. And I was tempted. But then I didn't like the idea of changing my mind and fortunately saw comb, which made me very happy!
Overall
I liked that this one has a story to it and there's movement and images you can follow. However it felt a little forced in places so I think you need to consider more what you want to write before starting to write. It's all about balancing inspiration with ideas and imagery. It's not easy to get it right the first time, but that's why we edit our poems so much!
Thanks for the reads and wishing you all the best!
Heather xx
Hello!
Here I finally am to review your poems! Sorry its taken me so long!
Escape is (Im)Possible
I really love the rhythm of this piece and it has a great, sinister tone. But I'd like to see the lines be slightly longer and to give us more imagery. At the moment you're concentrating a lot on very familiar images such as 'blood' or 'burn'. These are words we hear a lot in ever day language and they're good words, but they don't jump out at us. What I'd like you to do is create imaged that are unusual, either by putting together words we wouldn't normally see matched (eg. 'The road is stitched together') or by digging into some more unusual objects such as a gravy boat or a wall socket. These are common place items that don't make their way into poetry very often so they're more interesting to the frequent reader and if you can build something out of them, you'll have everyone's attention.
I've got a few specific comments for you as well so I'm going to list those now!
1. I think you're trying to be too clever with your first line and it isn't flowing quite right. It's difficult to say with the second and the rhythm isn't established enough for me to just kind of go with it. I think you should go with 'They will see you soon' as you'd have a half rhyme instead of a full one and my favourite lines in this piece are definitely the ones with half rhymes! It would also be an easier transition into the poem. You don't want to put your reader off at the start!
2. Plot! This might seem an unusual thing to comment on in a poem but I want to see more plot. I want to know who they are and who this 'you' that has been captured is and why they've been captured. I'd love to see the imagery expand beyond this feeling of an impossible escape and to include a storyline and some character. The words have a good feel to them at the moment, but when the reader has finished the poem, they have nothing to take away. They're no closer to knowing who the person is or indeed if they will escape or why they're being attacked or who by. It's a lot of questions to leave unanswered.
I'll be back later on to review the other! I'd like to end though by saying I like your thinking behind this poem and you should definitely keep the idea, but expand it! Add in some more surroundings and give us something to take away with us that will make us remember your poem.
Keep writing!
Heather xx
Escape is (im)possible:
I liked this poem a lot.I enjoy the rhyming pattern that you used.It makes the poem enjoyable and easy to read.I also like the topic you choose.And the idea of escaping just to find out it was all a dream,really gives the poem a darker feel.
Change of Heart:
For a poem written from the perspective of a wolf, I think you did an excellent job!Its interesting and a nice change considering most poems are written from the perspective of a person.
Overall I liked both of you poems.Very well written,I can tell you put a lot of thought into both of them.Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much! Oddly, i wrote Escape at a pdp rally, and
I really enjoyed both of these poems!
I really liked
"Escape is (Im)Possible"
The best!
There is really NOTHING I would fix.
Thanks!! That means a lot!!