z

Young Writers Society



Burned 3.2

by Noelle


As I walk, I’m not watching where I’m going and step on something that holds strong under my foot. I look down to find a communication device. The box is small enough to fit in the palm of my hand and won’t be hard to hide in my back pocket. There’s an earpiece there too that doubles as a microphone as well. I could never be a comms. How does anyone make something like this?

I set up the device. Despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’ll work, I test it out. “Will? You there?” The silence unnerves me. What happened to Will? He should be right there on the other side, waiting for me to contact him.

A burst of static attacks my ear drum before Will’s voice comes in clear. “How cool is this? You should see the equipment I have here! Computers, monitors, a keyboard designed specifically for coding. I could hack into the president’s private chamber with this technology.”

“That’s great,” I respond. “But forget about the advantages for a second. What are we supposed to do now? We need a plan. Oh, did anything strange happen on your end?"

Will rambles on about an earthquake and blacking out, all while I hear him typing away in the background. None of what he says really differs from my experience. I want to know more than what happened. I want to know where to go from here. I want to know what’s on the other end of that door.

Of course neither of us have those answers, so I give up planning. Whatever happened to us was supposed to happen. Somehow that was our transportation. There seemed to be no other solution.

All Will is able to tell me is that I’ll be walking into a hallway. He’s still working on bringing up the entire map of the place and warns me not to take a step out there.

“I’m going in.” I say as I start off toward the door.

“What? No. You need to take three steps back and start forming a plan.” Will demands. But I’m not listening, ignoring the fact I never go into anything without a plan. His job is to protect me, to follow me to the grave and back. It’s not that I don’t appreciate his insight, but sometimes he’s wrong. Like he is now.

I push the door open and step out into the hallway.

It’s bright in here; I don’t like it. There are so many lights that I have to raise my hand to shield my eyes. With almost every inch of this hallway illuminated, it’ll be hard for me to pass through unnoticed. Of course. And it doesn’t help that I’m boxed in, forced to go straight ahead because there’s a dead end behind me.

The door I came through slams shut, making me jump. I look back at it, but don’t see a handle or any indication that there was ever a door there. Great. How am I supposed to get back now?

The hallway makes me feel sick. The walls are white, the floor is white, the ceiling is white. It’s too much white. Would it hurt these guys to add some color? If I have any dirt on me anywhere, I’ll leave a mark. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I can’t leave any traces here that could lead back to me.

Ahead of me the hallway curves. At least I think it does. My eyes are having trouble processing anything in this monochrome design. Whoever designed this building could’ve put a nice, thick black line running along the middle of the wall. That would’ve helped.

Will is rattling off information in my ear. He finally managed to download the entire map of the place. Apparently this hallway leads to the main room where the cup is. All I have to do is retrieve the cup and make it back down this hallway. Will promises to get cracking on opening that hidden door again.

I move to take a step, but Will barks in my ear, “Don’t move!” His words sound desperate enough to stop me. I know that this place has defenses, but I have no idea what their security system is like. My brain is creating every impossible, terrible situation, from collapsing ceilings to flooding out the hallway. And I believe ever one of them.

A sudden, panicked question rises in my mind. How far from Vido’s am I? I hadn’t left that room that I first entered, but the note had mentioned transportation. If I’m really somewhere on campus there would be no need for that. This building must be off campus, maybe even somewhere in the city. Will could be any range of distances from me, which I’m not too fond of. What if technology fails him and I need help? He can’t just pop over here when I snap my fingers.

I’m alone.

“Done,” he announces, sounding rather proud of himself. “I knocked out their motion sensors. There doesn’t seem to be any cameras, but they could be easily hidden.”

“Well can you find the hidden ones?” I hiss. I can almost hear him cringing under my harsh tone. Unfortunately though, he’s used to it by now. Sometimes I let my emotions get the best of me.

There’s a pause before Will responds. “It’s hard to tell, Bryn. They could be anywhere.”

“You said that they could be easily hidden. That means easily found.”

“I meant easy for them to hide so no one could find them,” he retorts. “I didn’t say that I could find them.”

I groan audibly. We don’t have time for an argument. I’m standing in the same spot I was when I first came in and I don’t even have my watch to tell me how much time is left. There’s a lot more riding on this mission than it seems on the surface. I cannot fail.

I tell Will to keep an eye out for any cameras as I start down the hall. Any noise I make makes me flinch. Will had promised to make it look like I’m not even here, but I still want to be discreet. Just because the sensors are down and there are no cameras, which I find odd, doesn’t mean I can run around screaming and pounding the walls. Someone somewhere is going to hear me. Besides, this cup is important enough that Vido wants it. No one is going to leave something like that unguarded.

The hallway leads me through twists and turns, each one revealing a new path that ends in white. I start to wonder if I’ll ever reach the end. Maybe this is just all an illusion and I’ve actually been walking in circles for hours.

A sudden thud that doesn’t come from me makes me jump. I spin around to look behind me, expecting to see something out of place, but everything is just the way it was. My heart races.

“Will,” I whisper. “Did that noise come from your end?”

“What noise? I didn’t hear anything.”

I curse under my breath. My grandmother’s ninety-five year old house makes noises. This new building laid out entirely in white wouldn’t make noises. Someone is out there. I’m praying that they don’t already know I’m here.

I continue on with a new focus. Despite the panic the noise installed in me, it gives me strength. Now I can go on knowing that someone’s after me. The mystery is solved; I have an enemy.

“Down!” Will orders. I don’t think twice. I flatten myself against the cold floor. A complicated array of lasers appear throughout the hallway. There’s no consistent pattern to it from what I can see. Some go straight up and down, others side to side, others diagonal. The only thing I care about is that none of them cut through me. I’m lucky to have been in a place where no lasers reach the floor.

I wait for Will to say something. Never before have I been face to face with a stick of burning energy, threatening to eat my skin alive. Will may know something though. I can only pray that he finds a way to get rid of them. I’m surprised that he didn’t see them coming. He has the entire floor plan of the building. Why isn’t he studying it closer?

Stop it. Will is doing his best. I reprimand myself. If I question him even in the slightest, our trust will be broken. I can’t have that. Will and I are one. We do this together. Questioning him would only be questioning myself.

But as I lay here I can’t help but get antsy. “Will, got any ideas?” I can’t keep the panic out of my voice. I hate it. Fear is weakness and I’m not going to show weakness to anyone. Not even my best friend.

“I’m working on it,” he responds, a slight difference in his voice. I can’t tell if he’s annoyed with me or the situation. “This is some complicated coding. I’ve never seen anything like this before.” Will is very skilled, but if he ever comes across something he can’t fix, it mine as well be the end of the world. He panics more than he takes time to really think it out. Usually I’m there to keep him relaxed, but I can’t do that over sounds waves.

While I wait, I study the lasers. There’s obviously not a set pattern; I’ve realized that now. The only holes I see are too small for me to make through. Not that I would risk it if I thought I could fit. I’m not interested in getting my skin burned off.

That’s when I see the small opening in front of me. I was too busy focusing on the big picture that I hadn’t noticed what was in my face. I can get a bit farther along the hallway. It seems like a good idea. I need something to distract my mind while I wait. But can I risk it? There seems to be more than enough room for me to make it, but we don’t know anything about these lasers. They could be motion sensing. The second I move, one could pop out from the wall and incinerate me.

It’s something I have to do though. I have to find a way to get through in case Will can’t help.

So I start moving. I move my right hand first, slowly sliding it forward. When the lasers don’t react I move my left hand to match the other. Gripping the floor as well as I can, I pull myself forward. My heart pounds so hard I fear that it might break through my ribs. One wrong move and I’m done for.

I make it as far as I can before I’m boxed in again. My eyes scan the area, begging to find a place I can go. There’s nowhere left. I’m truly stuck now.


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Sun Oct 25, 2015 11:57 am
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya Noelle, Pretzel here for a delayed review of this next chapter of your novel that I have been following. I see that you haven't posted another chapter in a really really long time. How can you just leave us on such a cliffhanger?

Anyways, let's get started, shall we?

1.-

As I walk, I’m not watching where I’m going and step on something that holds strong under my foot.


This sentence didn't really make sense in my brain so I would reword it to make it:

Pretzelstick wrote:As I walk, I’m not watching where I’m going and step on something that my foot holds strong under it.


I personally think that it would be better said if her foot was strongly holding the object down, then if the object was actually stronger than the foot?

2.- Doesn't Will brag about the technology before?? I thought that he had on another mission, and I was wondering why you were even using repetition here. I can see that you want to emphasize that he is pretty amazed by the new technology. The thing is, didn't he already have some time to check it out when the earthquake and stair happened?

3.- Okay, I think that Wolfe already mentioned it, but there is a conflicting relationship here between Will and Bryn. First, Bryn goes in the hallway along, ignoring Will and his pleads. Then she listens to Will when he says stop. Then she hisses at him to find the hidden cameras. Then she drops down under the lasers. And then she decide to move under those lasers without Will's permission.

Woah, their relationship is so complicated and so I would make it on one level. All of these times where she is ignoring him, I view her as stubborn and stupid, because in her heart, she knows that she can't survive without Will's help. As an author, I would at least have a vision where this is going forward during the rest of the mission.

4.-
it mine as well be the end of the world. He panics more than he takes time to really think it out.

Two minor typos here, the "mine" should be might, and also the word "panics" doesn't seem right, since all of the other verbs have either 'ing' or 'ed' on them.

5.-
I make it as far as I can before I’m boxed in again. My eyes scan the area, begging to find a place I can go. There’s nowhere left. I’m truly stuck now.


I love that cliffhanger, but I can't bring myself to actually believe. So, Bryn already could move forward a couple of inches, and if she's boxed in again, she will probably have to move somehow again. I think it's unrealistic that there's no way out, especially since Will is frantically working his magic on the other side of this mission. So honestly, although this cliffhanger does want me to read the next part, it doesn't really make sense here.

6.-So happy that this is a beginning-of-the-action chapter but I think that you are missing one thing. Before I remember how much stress Bryn was under. Something that people don't like to feel, but still nonetheless, need to feel escpeically in this situation. In this chapter, I can distinguish the clear mood of nervous. Perhaps even panic. But not stress, and you as the author have to stress to us the readers, how very very important this mission is to her career, and that she can absolutely not fail it. To make it more clear, if those "pause" parts of this story, just make her think stressful thoughts.

I am glad to have read this next part, but my question is... where is the next part of this novel? You haven't posted another chapter since July 1 and I really want to post another one. I will spam your wall if you don't post one soon, I want to read it that back :D.'

Anyways, wrapping up, I hope that this review helps you improve your writing. And if you ever have any questions or comments, then you know where to find me.

~Pretzel.




Noelle says...


I'll be posting a new chapter this week. I was waiting for you guys to catch up so you wouldn't have three or four chapters to read. I know it can get overwhelming for reviewers ^_^



Pretzelstick says...


Thanks for taking that into consideration and sorry that you were waiting for me such long time :(
Please feel free to tag me when the next one does come out.



Noelle says...


It's okay! I mean, I have a lot of it written already (I think I'm on chapter 7 currently) so it's not like I'm burning for reviews or anything. I'll definitely let you know when I post the next part!



Pretzelstick says...


Chapter 7! Great progress Noelle.



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Sun Sep 06, 2015 11:39 am
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello, Noelle! About time I got here, huh? Yeah, yeah. I know I'm late. (Okay, please forgive me that this will be brisk and probably short and I'm also not reading the previous reviews because I'm tired xD)

You know it's been a long time when you have to pause and go find the main character's name >.> But yeah, first thing that struck out to me is why in the world does Bryn want to go into the hall way so badly? Is it so hard to wait for Will? I mean, yes she's on a time limit, and it makes sense that she wants to rush, but we don't get any of that. We get a "Will's wrong, I'm right. I'm going in." What compells her to go without her partner? Just add a little extra thought about it in there ~

Oh, be careful, because there were some spots with typos in it that just stuck out to me. You can find them with a quick little read through :3

Also, probably a tiny thing, but Bryn says that the lasers have no particular pattern twice at different parts. The first when she's studying them and the second about the time Will warns her they're coming.

That's about it for the critique, because you had a lovely pacing and a wonderful air of suspense surrounding the entire piece. What was Bryn going to do? Why does Vido need this cup? Why is she there? How did she get there? It's interesting really, because a part of me wants to believe that this is still some kind of training. It's odd too that everything is so straight forward. One-way hallway, only one door to get there.

(It may benefit us if Will explained the layout a little more. Perhaps even something like, "It's straightforward here, but complicated later" or "These are the only three parts, it's weird." Just something so we're not totally in the dark about everything while Will is tapping away at the keys to get Bryn out of there.

That's it for my rambling -- I'm excited to see where this goes once you pick it up agains! Hope I helped even a little ^^

Happy Writing!
~ Wolfe




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Sun Jul 26, 2015 7:18 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hey Noelle! Happy review day! (You're my 400th review!) :D

I haven't read the previous parts, so I'll be looking at this as a part of a greater whole. I always like to start with my general thoughts as I read through.

I set up the device.

How does the narrator know how to do this if he/she just found it? What all does this set up require? (This might be something I would know if I read earlier chapters - like if he/she is super good with electronics or something...)

Despite knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’ll work, I test it out. “Will? You there?” The silence unnerves me. What happened to Will?

Personally not a fan of that name repetition. I would replace the second one with "him".

A burst of static attacks my ear drum before Will’s voice comes in clear. “How cool is this? You should see the equipment I have here! Computers, monitors, a keyboard designed specifically for coding. I could hack into the president’s private chamber with this technology.”

This may also have been answered if I read what happened prior to this, but how does the device this narrator just happened to find on the ground link up to Will?

“That’s great,” I respond. “But forget about the advantages for a second. What are we supposed to do now? We need a plan. Oh, did anything strange happen on your end?"

That last sentence feels a little tacked onto the end and like it doesn't quite fit in with what the rest of the narrator is saying.

Will rambles on about an earthquake and blacking out, all while I hear him typing away in the background. None of what he says really differs from my experience. I want to know more than what happened. I want to know where to go from here. I want to know what’s on the other end of that door.[/quote]
Also, if his experience is the same as hers (and I'm sure her experience is shown elsewhere), then is it really necessary for her to bring it up? Especially since she (I'm just going to go with the narrator being a she and if that's wrong, my bad :p) said that she doesn't really care about his experience and mainly wants to figure out a plan.

Of course neither of us have those answers, so I give up planning. Whatever happened to us was supposed to happen. Somehow that was our transportation. There seemed to be no other solution.

How long does it take for her to give up on a plan and come to this conclusion? Also, how does she come to this conclusion? We made kind of a big jump in thoughts kind of quickly.

Ahead of me the hallway curves.

Does this mean she's started to move forward or she's still standing there trying to process and decide what to do?

My brain is creating every impossible, terrible situation, from collapsing ceilings to flooding out the hallway. And I believe ever one of them.

You've got a little typo there (every).
That last sentence doesn't do much for me. I think the "I believe" is what's giving me an issue - I'm not sure how to articulate it, but it takes power away for me. I would try something like "Any one of them is possible"

Now I can go on knowing that someone’s after me. The mystery is solved; I have an enemy.

If someone is really after her, does it have to be an enemy? How does she know for sure? (Because she thinks it with quite a bit of confidence).
Again- I may be able to answer this myself had I read earlier chapters :p

The only thing I care about is that none of them cut through me. I’m lucky to have been in a place where no lasers reach the floor.

I slashed that line because it felt unnecessary and a little redundant.

That’s when I see the small opening in front of me. I was too busy focusing on the big picture that I hadn’t noticed what was in my face. I can get a bit farther along the hallway. It seems like a good idea. I need something to distract my mind while I wait. But can I risk it? There seems to be more than enough room for me to make it, but we don’t know anything about these lasers.

I'm not really sure what her idea is. This feels a little jumpy.

You do a really, really good job of building and keeping suspense. I feel like I'm right there with your characters. I can picture the setting and the situation (even though I'm brand new to this story) and at the end (when you cruelly stopped :p) I was holding my breath for her! I really love the interplay between the two main players. Again, even though I'm brand new to the story and coming in late, you do a excellent job with character development. I have a good sense of their personalities and who they are even with this little snapshot. Really well done! :D

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!




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Wed Jul 08, 2015 8:36 pm
MaddieNicolette wrote a review...



"The hallway makes me feel sick. The walls are white, the floor is white, the ceiling is white. It’s too much white. Would it hurt these guys to add some color? If I have any dirt on me anywhere, I’ll leave a mark. Normally I wouldn’t care, but I can’t leave any traces here that could lead back to me."

Personally i love to understand the character aand hear there thoughts, however this just doesnt add to the story, you have already said this, by describing the hall way and covering the fact shes an agent of some sort. as well the black line, it just feels like you keep trying to bring up the blankness.

" And I believe ever one of them."

Also ever, you need the y lol.

Absolutly love the name Bryn.

"it mine as well be the end of the world. "

it might as well .

i have not actually read the others so im not exactly sure of the story but i definatly will because it has great potential. This is really good. very intersting and intense! love it!!




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Fri Jul 03, 2015 1:06 pm
hunith says...



Hunith here;

I think this piece is great. I personally haven't read the other chapters but this one is ok.

Apart from one or two spelling mistakes, i think it's ok.





To have more, you have to become more. Don't wish it was easier - wish you were better. For things to change, you have to change, and for things to get better, you have to get better.
— Jim Rohn