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18+

Ache

by NobodyElse2


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

Let's recognize the different people—

Who will make you feel the pain, aches, and grief of their broken hearts

The relationship that was once healthy and strong; became to fall down and crushed

The time will have to go back when they were still in love

Read and feel the pain that became memories—memories that suddenly became the ghost of their yesterdays.


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17 Reviews


Points: 718
Reviews: 17

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Fri Aug 02, 2019 8:27 pm
mthanmark263 wrote a review...



I agree with silvermoon17 I don't get where it falls under 18 + and this poem doesn't need someone who has fallen in love to understand like me I am still young for love plus love is stupid . hey I am not saying this poem is bad its really good and I understand from your point of view why you wrote this poem . look inspirations can come from many places and as a writer you cant avoid your instant of think about a poem or story . you are talented keep on writing please don't take this review in a bad way I don't mean any harm




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106 Reviews


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Reviews: 106

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Tue Jul 23, 2019 11:22 am
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



*just to say, in what ways this work should this work be rated 16+? I don’t remember seeing anything shockingly violent or any mature content? If you mean broken hearts is something people below sixteen should bot be aware of- shame on you. People who only read and watch stuff about how the world is happy and beautiful and loving etc, turn out as boring people. Just felt the need to say that. Because I’m definitely below 16*
Anyways, for the review.
So. You have this little flow which grows in size at each line. It’s not so fast that it ruins the flow, but it’s still there. And because of that; we have this tension, this suspense of how you will end. Growing a flow at each line helps keep the audience waiting, but watch out with how you end. Because it sometimes it come out as lame or boring, and the piece of work becomes forgettable. I’m not sure you used any imagery, and as I check.. no, you did not. I mean, the “ghost of their yesterdays” might count, but that’s a universal kind of quote. So no. But seen the length of your poem, that’s explainable. You start nicely. With a sort of question that lengthens into the next line, and the next- and because you never really direct your question, we are left thinking that last sentence will fill the gaps. I’m serious. You begin with “let’s recognize the different people”
But instead of describing these people, you add a feature of them. “Broken hearts from grief and etc”
I don’t see how the third line is linked to any of the two things you’ve said. Because you talk of a relation ship. But I though you were talking of recognizing people. Maybe you should’ve said:
“Their relationshipS That were once healthy and strong;”
Instead of
“The relation ship.”
Because it makes more sense.
You really have two questions in that poem.
The different people and the ruined relationships. And so that only boosts our expectations. Because after all that taunting, we expect to see that last line unfold everything and link both.
Except..
That last line has stretched the flow until the poem becomes a paragraph and there’s no more rhythm.
And after the exposition of your first lines, about people and love; we get once more; some exposition.
“Read and feel the pain that became memories.”
That should’ve been as first liner. Because your poem just exposes problems. You never give an opinion or a solution or an explanation of how things end. You never develop any of your questions. But if you had prolonged your poem, say; with two more lines. That could’ve made a whole lot of a difference.
Otherwise, good ideas behind all that.




NobodyElse2 says...


Maybe you haven't fall in love yet that's why you don't know how that poem felt. Just sayin' haha lol



silvermoon17 says...


Your comment was harsher than you meant it to be



NobodyElse2 says...


Yes. Honestly, I don't want your review. You said, "shame on you", huh? Shame on me? That's the what you called harsh, men. You should've ask first if I want a review fron you. You have no respect at all, even I'm a stranger. Think before you write your review, cause it's not funny at all or even help me grow my passion!



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Tue Jul 23, 2019 5:52 am
silented1 says...



This is a nice poem.




NobodyElse2 says...


Thank you. You're so nice! Not like the other one hahaha. Love lots!




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