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Her Name Is

by NoStoryTime


There is a girl

Her face Grey, but Bright

Though not Perfect

People always stare

She has many personalities

One Light

One Dark

One in-between

One with a sliver of Light

One with a sliver of Dark

Even though she might not be seen

She is always there

Her Name IsĀ 


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105 Reviews


Points: 195
Reviews: 105

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Mon May 02, 2016 2:35 pm
OreosAreLife wrote a review...



Hey NoStoryTime!
This poem was great! But there is something you could change.

Her face Grey, but Bright


I think that you need to elaborate more here. It is somewhat confusing. Other wise this was a great poem. I really want to know her name now. I like how you ended with:

Her Name Is


I thought it was a great ending to this particular poem, you really are leaving us to guess her name. Overall you did a magnificent job! Keep up the good work and I hope to read more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley




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95 Reviews


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Reviews: 95

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Sat Apr 30, 2016 6:06 pm
Gymnast2801 wrote a review...



Hi!
I like your poem NoStoryTime!
However, I feel that there are some things we could make better so let's get started!

First off, I'm not sure that "There is a girl" isn't very interesting so what if, instead, you said something like, "There once was a girl"

Secondly, "Her face grey, but bright"
This sentence is rather confusing because people's faces aren't really gray. Maybe pick another adjective for that.

Third, "Overall she is not perfect"
Overall doesn't sound like the best grammar so what if we used 'Although'? Just an idea.

I really like you poem! Keep on writing!




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2631 Reviews


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Sat Apr 30, 2016 1:15 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Ah this is a nice little poem, though I wonder if you shouldn't give us the answer at the end. I expect it's moon but I don't think anything would be spoiled by you telling those who haven't got there yet.

Specifics

1.

Overall she is not perfect
I feel like this line doesn't actually tell us anything about the 'girl' and it's there just as a filler and a lead into the next line. Instead of having something quite so vague, maybe try something like: 'Up close she has craters/ But from a distance she is beautiful/ And people always stare'.

2. I like the subtle rhymes in this and that they don't follow straight on from one another. In-between and seen come at a particularly nice moment.

Overall

This is a short and cute poem and it works well as it is but I'd love to see a longer version written with more detailed descriptions and more analogies between the moon and a living person. For example, you could describe her weight as fluctuating or that some days she eats a lot but then she gets fat and for a while, she'll try to eat less again but always she loses the battle.

All the best,

~Heather




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405 Reviews


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Reviews: 405

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Sat Apr 30, 2016 12:48 pm
Eros wrote a review...



Hello, NoStoryTime!!!

This is Eros here review your mysterious poem!!

Hmm... So the title is really attractive. The theme is quite mysterious.
I guess, her name is either moon or night. I think that it is moon. Because moon has many personalities. And she is not seen in the day, but she is there. I am curious to know her name. It is really hard to guess. And I liked the way you described her. I liked this.

GREAT work, overall.
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such awesome works like this one.
Have a great day/ night!
:D





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