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16+ Language Violence

The Hunt

by NoSleep2586

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

The Hunt

It was early in the morning of December 12th 2035. It was about six in the morning when my father and I got into our tree stands and waited for our prey. I sat there in silence waiting for something to walk by so that I can gun it down and claim my reward. Just then a huge whitetail deer trotted into view. The animal had to of stood at least seven feet tall. But justĀ  as fast as it it appeared it disappeared. It ran off as if it was spooked by something. Just as it disappeared something caught my eye. Something even bigger was sitting in the bushes. I didn't get a good glimpse of it but seemed to be looking right at me. It had two bright yellow eyes that almost seemed to glow in the darkness of night. Then it ran off in the direction of my father. I grabbed the radio that he given me and radioed in. "Hey dad, I just saw a large animal of sorts I didn't get a good look at it though if you see it let me know." "Alright I'll keep my eyes open, any description of it?" he asked. "Yeah there was one thing, the thing had bright yellow eyes that glowed in the dark." "Glowing eyes you say, I just saw something run by that had yellow eyes." "Really how long ago?" "Actually the things staring at me right now. Hang on give me a sec." After the radio fell silent, the crack of two gunshots broke the silence. "What the hell are you doing?!" I yelled through the radio. "I decided to try to take a shot at it." "Why the hell would you do that we don't even know what the fuck that thing is!" "Well if it makes you feel better I missed and it got spoo-" The radio fell silent, and once again the silence was broken by the sound gunfire. Only I counted the shots. There were seven which meant my father had emptied his rifle. "What the hell man I told you to stop shooting at that thing!" The only answer I got was the crackling of the radio. "Hey are you there?" Still nothing it was that moment I decided to get down and check on him. While I was walking through the woods I felt like I was being watched. As I approached my dad's treestand I noticed that it was no longer in the tree. Whatever happened it resulted in the ladder of the tree stand to be bent. But my father was nowhere to be seen. I saw blood trail and figured that my father had shot the animal was now following it to gut it. As I was following the blood trail I found tracks in the mud, they looked as if a giant bird had been running. By the looks of the tracks the animal was about eight feet tall. Then I heard someone scream. It was my father. So naturally I ran toward the scream only to find a monstrous creature devouring my father alive. I would never forget the look of terror on his face. The creature was tall and had reptilian like skin. It had claws that were sharper than steak knives as they ripped the chest of my father open while he lied their watching. Just then he saw me and screamed "RUUUUUUUUUUUN!" And just as I turned there was another on standing in front of me staring at me. Before I could even draw my weapon I met the same fate as my father.

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298 Reviews

Points: 1976
Reviews: 298

Sun Jan 06, 2019 10:13 pm
Horisun wrote a review...

This was very dark, and had a very interesting plot, however, there are a few things I'd like to point out.
First, it would be great if you separated the dialogue, it was a little confusing to read.
Second, this was a glaring issue throughout the story, the character showed no emotion. He didn't seem to even have personality. When he saw the monster eating his dad, I would assume he would be terrified, if he saw the blood, I'd imagine he'd jump to conclusions. I couldn't relate to the character at all, so when he died, my only thought was, 'That's horrifying' Because I didn't get invested. It's hard to do with short stories, but a great way is to give your character emotion.
Third, do you talk to your Father like that? When he was talking to his Father, I felt like he was talking to a friend rather then a parent.
That's it! Your word choice was good, and I had a good picture in my head. I'm sorry if this came across as harsh. Keep writing, and enjoy it, too!

Horisun says...

(Btw, I'm not saying I curse at my friends)

NoSleep2586 says...

I thank you for you suggestions as I am a new writer and I am learning as I go. I greatly appreciate the advice and will incorporate it into my next story. Thanks

NoSleep2586 says...

Also I apologize for the language but no I don't speak to my father that way. The characters were meant to be older with the son being in his thirties and the father in his fifties.

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94 Reviews

Points: 3960
Reviews: 94

Sun Jan 06, 2019 5:37 pm
ShapeOfVoid wrote a review...

Hi fellow night-owl! (at least, that's what I hope your username means)

This is hiraeth here for a review.

So i have thing for morbidity and cannibalism. Okay, not the cannibalism part, but definitely the morbid thing.

Okay. First issue: Paragraphs. The moment the readers see this big block of text without any formatting and spaces as such, their immediate reaction will be: "Nu-uh, headache coming on, gotta leave."
So add some paragraphs, leave line breaks, make your word readable, you know? We don't have to squint if the lines are more spaced and reading becomes easier by a lot.


First two lines.

"It was early in the morning of December 12th 2035. It was about six in the morning"
read this sentence again, aloud. Something off? See, you've repeated the same thing; it was early in the morn, it was six o clock in the morn. Kind of repetitive, no? we already know it's early, probably the crack of dawnand what not, so laying emphasis on this trivial fact isn't really necessary.

"I sat there in silence waiting for something to walk by so that I can gun it down and claim my reward." There's a tense change here. ' sat there is past tense, but can gun it down is present tense. See the error? Tense-changing in the middle of your story is a common mistake. Do it often throughout your story and and critics are bound to point it out to you.

"But just as fast as it it appeared it disappeared.....Just as it disappeared something caught my eye." repetition again.

"What the hell man I told you to stop shooting." the kid's talking to his father, right? sounds rude, no?

So there are a few more errors, and some parts which i think requires some edit. Usually, proof-reading plays a big role in reducing these mistakes so from next time make sure that you go through your story atleast 2 times.

keep writing!

NoSleep2586 says...

Thanks for the review and I apologize for I am a new writer and yes I am indeed a night owl. I know that the son sounded rude by cursing at his father but I meant for the son to be in his thirties and the father to be in his early fifties. I thank you for the advice and will go back and edit I gain the time. I also thank you for giving your time to read and edit my story.

The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris