CHAPTER 1______________________________________________________________________________________________
It all started 4 days ago. I was minding my own business, looking at the clock with Greek letters instead of numbers. I think it was around 4:20:20. The arrows were all on the Δ, for the Greek letter Delta. I noticed the letter slowly glowing blue until, next thing I knew, my head hit the floor and the last thing I saw before fainting was the Δ.
Oh wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. My name is Perseus O. Saydun. I know, weird name, huh? People make jokes about how, if I used the initial for my first name, it would sound like Poseidon. Well, I like Poseidon, he's really nice, y'know. But, I'd rather stick with Hades. He's the god of the underworld.
Anyway, when I woke up after the whole fainting thing, I was in a really white hall with various vases. I saw a group of adults around me. "Are you all right, Perseus?" they all said simultaneously. "W-where am I?" I asked them. "Why, are you daft? You're in Olympus, home of the Olympians!"
"W-what? I'm in Greece?" I asked the bearded mean who said it. "No! Far away from Greece, actually. We're not even in Europe!"
"Oh. Well, you said I was in Olympus."
"You are!"
"Yeah, right! and you're Zeus! Hah!"
"I am! Athena's right, you are smart!"
"My dad's a policeman. So just let me go!"
"I did not know Hades was a policeman."
Okay, I was confused. No scratch that I was CONFUSED. "What? Hades ain't my dad you dummy. My dad's name is Alconius M. Saydun," I say to the man. "So, Diana married a mortal. Too bad. She could've gotten immortality if she stayed one more year with Hades as her only husband," he replies.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
NiteOwlIII, pleasant surprise. Are you into Greek Demigods? Have you read Percy Jackson?
And you might want to describe countenances, clothes, acting. More details in general.
Okay, one thing, I am really, really picky of how the gods act. Zeus...doesn't act this way. He's really serious, sharp on the job, and never says those sentences you wrote. So, I apologize, but please change his comments. And, did you know, Diana is Artemis in Roman form? I'm sure you didn't mean that, but just for a fun fact...
Friends,
wisegirl22
Sorry bro, I don't believe you. You have definitely read Percy Jackson books before you wrote this. I knew something was up when you mentioned Poseidon, the father of Percy in the novels, could be his dad. I also saw that you posted in a Percy Jackson quiz here. So yeah...work on originality. I know it's easy to lie on the internet but still... Maybe you should put this in the fanfic section.
Onto the review:
This was short, really really short. You skipped from him in his room to being in the underworld or something in thirty seconds flat. Put more detail in this story. What is this character like? What are his motives? Don't just skip to the interesting parts because writing doesn't work that way. A story is like a river: it is supposed to flow. So give us an idea of what is going on. Define the characters, and ultimately, make this a chapter, not a paragraph.
You're old enough to go and create your own ideas and your own worlds, so why not go for it? You'll find that the worlds yo u create may be even better than the ones you copy from.
Huggles-
Esther
Oh, OK. Thanks. I'll search for the book series in the local library someday. I named my character Perseus because it sounds heroic. You know? Perseus killed Medusa, saved Andromeda, and is Zeus's son.
YOU SHOULD READ PERCY JACKSON YOU CRIMINAL
Percy Jackson is a book series that centers around a boy named Perseus Jackson, who's related to a mythology creature. He's somewhat of a Demigod as well. I'm sorry for the confusion.
And again, your story is good, but too short.
What's Percy Jackson? Is it a movie or something?
You're story is interesting by far, but it's kind of short for the first chapter. Plus, it almost sounds a bit too familiar with the Percy Jackson series. (The modern Mythology, the main character's name, ect.)
Again, it's an interesting story, but it's too short and too similar to the Percy Jackson series.