Published April 28, 2014
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140,830 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello there. I am Celdover, long time gamer and researcher on this exact subject, and I am here to give you a proper review.
First things first, I commend you on your desire to write an article focusing on the positive aspects of the gaming community. It is something that doesn't get nearly as much focus in the mass media, so work like this is always appreciated.
However, intent alone does not prevent this article from being a moldy loaf of bread.
The biggest issue I have with this piece is its lack of soul. It is almost half statistics (none of which have been sourced, I might add), and while hard data is wonderful it seldom persuades an audience without an emotional connection. I do assume you are attempting to persuade your audience, correct? An audience that is perhaps not as well acquainted with gaming as someone such as yourself?
Why should your target audience care? Why is it important to realize that gamers are not the stereotypes the mass media would have us believe? How does this affect the lives of people outside the gaming community? Answering these questions should be a priority.
Also consider revising your structure to include more than a list of statistics and examples. These are all important, but as is this article reads like a shopping list. Statistic 1, statistic 2, Shocking Example A which led to PR Disaster A, more statistics, examples of charities 1-4, personal opinion at the end. I would suggest adding more personal passion and style to the writing, as well as working on the introduction of your article (we are given statistics before we even know what this article is about) and transitions from one point to another.
Second, I have a major issue with this sentence, namely the bolded part.
I am a member of several minorities in the United States, and I can assure you that while the gaming community is certainly not the cesspool of violent and sex obsessed people the mass media says it is, it is far, far from sunshine and rainbows. There is rampant racism, sexism, LGBT+ discrimination, ableism, and general bullying and harassment present in the gaming community, many of which I have experienced first hand. I understand that this article is trying to promote the good in the gaming community. That is fine. But do not do it at the cost of erasing such severe issues like these. Erasure is part of the problem.
Instead, you can acknowledge these problems in the community (which are well documented problems with plenty of resources) and then talk about ways the friendly parts of the community are trying to combat them. This will not only keep your article from erasing real problems, it will also provide you with more examples of how the gaming community is not all bad. In fact, this will actually strengthen your main point because it will paint the gaming community as a community willing to fight against internal prejudices and problems. In other words, the gaming community is a community that is constantly trying to make itself better. Isn't that a lovely message to send?
Furthermore, highlighting the fact that the gaming community is willing to deal with major issues can also form an emotional connection to the audience, who may have to face various forms of discrimination each day. This will help you with the "lack of soul" problem I mentioned in the first point.
As a side note, I would also like to mention that using the Dante's Inferno debacle with EA is actually a bad example when it comes to pointing out things the mass media "over reacts to." Sexual exploitation of women is a huge issue in general and is NOT a topic that should be taken lightly, so the mass media had every right to be upset over it. This article right now dismisses the mass media outcry over this issue as a non-issue, which is not true. At all. A far better example would be the supposed link between violent crime and video games, which has been thoroughly ridiculed and debunked yet still somehow ends up being the One Thing mass media outlets talk about when it comes to demonizing video games.
Third, I think you can use more examples beyond Child's Play and other charities. By all means, keep them as examples, but there are other ways the gaming community does good. For example, video games can be used to help patients going through rehabilitation treatment. The game Foldit is a game where players fold amino acids to form proteins to help scientists with biological research. Child cancer patients, people who have often lost control of their lives due to illness, can find refuge in video games and form support groups with other patients. And, of course, you can focus on gamers who take a stand against harassment and discrimination of minorities. There are tons of examples to use. Take advantage of them. If you like, you can also include a personal story of how video games or the community helped you overcome some challenge.
Believe it or not, I have read many articles like the one here, even though they are a relative minority in gaming journalism. While it is admirable that you wish to promote the good things about the gaming community, you need to find out how to make your article stand out from the crowd (by including a soul), acknowledge real problems the mass media doesn't focus on so you don't erase (mention minority discrimination), and provide a variety of examples to show that video games do good in a wide variety of ways (from medicine to charity to social justice). What you have here is a loaf of bread: bland, but at the same time full of potential. You need only stop at a grocery store to see the possibilities. Just make sure to cut out the bits of mold first.
I hope this helped. Good luck, and you are free to PM me with any questions or comments.
--Dover
Thank you so much for that review! There was so much more that I wanted to add - some of which you've mentioned. However, as this was actually an essay for school I had to cut a lotta things down. I was already pushing the word limit.
What you said about the Dante's Inferno game I actually didn't really think about in depth. I'll try to make sure I delve more into a subject.
One last thing, I was actually surprised you called me up on the 'lack of soul'. This is actually my third draft on this essay. I was told time and time again that I have too much input when I do discursive essay's and that I should really only leave my thoughts to the very end - or not at all. So that really surprised me - in a good way.
Again, thank you for your review it was very detailed and helped me an awful lot
A lifelong 'Gamer' here (I don't really care for that tag, but that's OK) to give you two thumbs up for this.
If you wanted to, you could also mention/compare how comic books once had the same stigma that videogames have today (Waste of time, adolescent boy club, mindless violence, etc.). But now we have Movies based on comic books making over a billion dollars at the box office.
Games are still a disrespected art form by many people because the media chooses to focus on games that fit the stereotype (Call of Duty, Battlefield, etc.) and ignore the more meaningful artistic or story-driven games (Journey, The Walking Dead, many RPG's, etc.). But I think the tide has been slowly changing for several years.
The drastic improvement in technology since 2007-2008 has brought gaming into the mainstream so much that the old stereotype can finally be put to rest. Maybe in 20 years we'll even have gaming "Libraries" for the general public.
Thanks for the good read.
Glad you enjoyed it
My only tip would be to cite everything. You have a lot of statistics in here, so you should really cite the source. (The exact link/book)
I do have all the sources written down but I wasn't sure if I could put them here.
Thank you so much. I love this. *wipes single shining tear* Right in the feels, Old Sport.
Glad I could tug at your feels. xD
I totally agree that there's allot of unnecessary stigma to gamers, but you didn't cover the health issues: Things like that, with early video games they said in the opening titles that one should break every 15 minutes... I don't see that on many video games anymore.
It is true also what you say about games being good for socializing, but I am sure there is a need for gamers to socialize in real life also. On games personalities are too easily faked, and though gaming does help socializing, particularly with people you already know but don't see too often, you don't really know someone you have only met in electronic form.
I realize this is true also for all electronic based social networks, but I just thought I'd point it out.
Finally I think the biggest arguments against video games is it won't develop skills*. With, just to pick one of my hobbies at random, cartography, I am improving my drawing, and that has the potential to help me in later life. Or any sports, like football or croquet, can help in later life. I don't wholly agree with this argument, (how the frack is being good at card games gonna help me?) but I think you should cover it in your essay. I am no gamer, but I dislike the stigma.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!
*sorry, know its sounds cliche.
I was actually gonna put something about the health issues but I'm pushing the word limit already ^^'
It was really nice to hear your counter views
they're not my views, just a couple of things I thought you might want to mention
*Claps.* As a fellow gamer I agree the gaming community has a lot of potential good it could do.
Thanks a lot. Sucks we get a bad rep.