The dark of the youth room was so calming. Acoustic Flyleaf on the screen. Steady breathing all around. I brought my knees to my chest and tucked my head in. I felt the carpet with my toes, feeling each fiber. I rocked slowly, back and forth, back and forth.
A cool breeze whispered along the nape of my neck. I didn't look up.
Daddy.
I thought the word, barely breathed it. And then I felt it.
A crushing around me, deafening silence. A whirlwind of cool air around me. A golden, warm embrace that made every one of my cells shiver. A stream of syllables spilled over my lips under my breath, slipping off my tongue like liquid silk. I had no idea what I said- no one did when they were here- but I felt its glow. A tugging, all around my torso, like gloriously burning ropes were wound around me.
More syllables. More cool air, more burning, tingling grip on me. I was paralyzed, tears streaking down my cheeks in their untainted, raw bliss. I sprawled onto my stomach and felt like I was pinned there by a white-hot weight. I could barely breathe, and when I did, it came out in those loose, pure syllables. I spoke in His tongue, and no one else's. I was trembling all over, the syllables picking up speed in their minute volume.
Between spouting lines of elegantly wild sounds, I would whisper, "Daddy, You are here." and then collapse in another fit of what our pastor called being lost.
Lost in Him, and Him alone.
I still felt that warm, fuzzy tingling, wrapping around me like a blanket of gold fleece. I giggled and started chanting again, trembling still. I was smiling blissfully now, eyes closed. I tried to curl back up, but the second I tried to, the weight would double, and I would fall back to the ground. I giggled again and sighed. I couldn't even lift my arms to wrap them around myself, or shift my head.
A hushed whisper in my ear... I love you, I love you, I love you. My face lit up. I started trembling again, giggling softly between bouts of the syllables. Everyone else was too absorbed to notice the girl in the corner, behind the banner, encountering His presence. My eyelids were forced closed again, cool air murmuring is wordless prayer across my neck and the prickling, burning, golden layer over me thickening. I lifted my eyes and almost gasped.
A thousand streaks of light, white and relaxed and perfect. A golden bubble over each of us. I stared at my palms.
Gold dust.
I laid my head back down and giggled through a fit of fluid language.
The sight, the warmth, the weight, the cool breeze drifting aimlessly across our sanctuary.
It was so beautiful. All of it.
Such a beautiful encounter.
Okay, a quick one-shot into a worship session at our church. I know it's out there, but I swear it happens. If you make fun of or mock it, I will... just please don't. I take a lot of pride in this. So... whoa. I think that's... wow.
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Cheers!
I haven't really spotted any grammar mistakes, so I won't mention it here =) However, I'd noticed there were a few words you repeated often. It's not really horrible, don't take it offensively, but using more synonyms won't hurt.
I'm familiar with church events and I've seen that one in real life. I seriously think I get the feeling you tried to share with people through this piece of work . I can't point out much bad about this work except the fact that there are people that dislike heavy 'show' work. I noticed Kaitelyn mentioned it, you need to get some tell in too. In my vocabulary the best possible work is the one that has balanced both tell and show. You need to tell us a piece of information we need to know and show it to us so we will be sure of how to imagine it.
Though, despite the minor troubles, I have to say I'm surprised. I haven't seen anybody around me ever write something like that at your age, I give you a big + for that. I can tell you've got the potential to become a great writer in future if you'd want to and would try your best at figuring out all the tricks how to express your own mind and soul. Not to forget the heart too though. The warmest work you can share with people is the one that has your mind, soul and heart in it. Just think of the romanticism description - Book and author are the one.
Keep writing and good luck along your path!
Kyou
I like this. A lot of emotion. But just reading what I did, I didn't know what was going on. Sometimes you have to tell not show. (despite what everyone else thinks) I was left guessing. All in all this is a beautiful piece and would be better if it was incorporated in something else. Try expanding or explaining your piece.
You create a lot of emotion with this piece. It makes prayer seem almost romantic.
I don't understand the "drunkenness" part, so I think you should try to elaborate on that. Or perhaps a word like "lost" or "embraced" would fit better
All in all, I find many of your descriptions wonderful.
I especially like this line:
Another critique is that you use forms of the word "tingling" a lot. Maybe you could replace one or two instances with "shiver" or another synonym.