Young Writers Society

Hello! I've come to review this on behalf of Team Green, The Mystery Machine.

The room got more and more blurry...

My turn? My turn for what? I thought to my self, but before I could ask my eyes went black. I went through this force, it felt as if I was having a flash back, but I wasn't. I opened my eyes to look down at myself suffering and gasping for air. I was literally watching over my own death. Looking over at the angel in horror I cupped my hands around my mouth trying my hardest not to scream, I backed away as tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Hey, Nina! I think that Kiss of Death is a good title for your short story, just so you know. The over all concept of this is incredibly dark. It's my cup of tea and I enjoyed reading it. There were just a few things that bugged me slightly. I don't do grammar or punctuation because I'm not good with it either so you won't have to worry about that. I will, however, say that I would have liked there to be a little bit more description of her thoughts. Going through suicide is a very crazy moment, whether it is a success or if it fails, the thought process is deep. The way that you describe the blood on her wrist, makes it seem as though it is old blood because of the way it's described as stains. I do, however, love how you wrote in there that the character never thought they'd get to that point. It describes, simply, that most people who are depressed and have thoughts of loneliness and sadness, never think that they're going to get to that point. During the rest of the story, I'm realizing that your character has taken her life using multiple items...pills and by slitting her wrists, I'm assuming. To me, it seems like the only reason is because of something her dad did and her boyfriend leaking photos. I would have liked more description as to why she did this. Kissing death was in interesting twist. I'm assuming that it's more of a metaphor of leaving earth and going into heaven/hell. I like the thoughts of regret that passes threw her when she realizes that it's too late(or so it seems to me). And the anger that she has towards everything. Thanks so much for sharing

I'm Avalon and I'll be your reviewer.

Praise:

This was interesting, it could be easily made into a novel with this as a Prologue and follow Alexandra as the new Angel of Darkness. It could take on either a superhero kind of story or a more realistic look at life and tell it though Alexandra. We don't know much about her, but what we've seen just now is extremely interesting and you could relate to her extremely well. But this concludes my praise as my criticism almost outweighs my praise.

Criticism:

I don't feel it's horror, maybe if you built up Alexandra's death I could say so but right out the gate no. Horror in my opinion is subtly: drop hints, give feelings, the character suspicions, details that would indicate immoral behavior. This felt more like a cheap jump scare out of no where and you really shouldn't do that. Moreover, this felt rushed and very sudden what you could have done is draw it out a bit show us what is happening in Alexandra's life, not just tell us right as she is going to kill herself.

Details, this goes with horror as I've said earlier, give us a grotesque monster, give us a beautiful girl who's on the edge of insanity, give us darkness within light. Give us a bloodied bathroom, a neat freaks perfectly cleaned room, a slobs mess. Environment, characteristics, details, paint a mental picture of what Alexandra and this Angel look like.

Question:

Will you continue work on this? I for one, would love to read more and see where the story leads. If you are I will be willing to read and review the work as you publish it!

Overall:

This was good and can be expanded upon and made better with subtly and details of what's going on rather than just telling us what is going on with Alexandra. I would love to see more of what's in store for our main character, Alexandra.

The Kiss of Death receives a 6/10 (Decent)

I'm Avalon and this has been your review.