Hey there Nina. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I have a lot of points to cover in this so there is one thing that needs to be straightened out. I have a tendency to push people the wrong way with my reviews. If you think my review is too hard on your piece, please take it up with a mod or something, I'm not really trying to make enemies.
First Thoughts
1. I included that long statement above because my first thoughts are going to hurt a good bit of your piece. Don't use emojis in the middle of literary works. Just don't. This is supposed to be a somewhat serious work about peace but you're using the completely not serious emojis. They're not really necessary to say you're smiling because you already did. I don't even really understand how you were trying to use them for and what effect(affect) you were hoping for.
2. The ellipsis. I rarely come across occasions where they are actually needed and I'm pretty sure you don't need any of the ones you've included. Please subtract them from your work to make it a bit less confusing.
3. I don't get the capitalization of peace. Like if you want to make a statement about it use proper grammar. Just put it in bold or italics to make it stick out. I know these all seem like little things but they add up into one big opinion of your peace. From this first reading I don't have a very high opinion of it but there's always the second read.
Grammar, Spelling, Typos!
1. Every single line of this had a typo or two. The most common one I saw was too many spaces which probably just happened when you pasted this over to the publishing center. It doesn't really agree with any form of word documents so just make sure to proofread before posting.
2. There isn't that much in grammar except for the funky capitalization but I already covered that above. No need to go over it again.
3. Haven't seen anything in the way of spelling yet. Might find something later on. You definitely need to be a better proofreader though. Or maybe just ask somebody to help you go cover the mistakes.
Second Round of Opinions
1. Now I don't mean to sound mad by this but your entire story is written like some preacher's preaching on a Sunday. It reads through and gets stuck quite often with flow, but you have written it like a call and answer thing. Now the closest I can find to that is a sermon of some kind, to which your work would fit perfectly. That possibility aside most preachers don't have so many grammar mistakes.
2. I'm a bit confused by the line spacing here but I guess it was for the whole call/answer thing. I'm not sure. It just messes up the flow of the piece, not that there was much to begin with. The mix matched grammar of ellipsis and commas doesn't help how it reads and the unnecessary bits really slow the reader down.
Really what I'm trying to say is, you've got a nice idea here kid but you need to work on the basics. You need to clean the piece up a bit so people don't get bogged down by the grammar/typos and they can actually focus on your work.
That's really all I have for today. Hopefully some bit of this proves to be helpful to you in some way.
Happy Holidays!
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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