Published February 24, 2007
This is the first poem i've written in a while, as I mainly prefer to write stories, but anyway, read, enjoy and all constructive criticism would be much appreciated. Thank you.
As I lay here on this cold night,
I wonder will I ever again see the light.
Slowly the darkness is swallowing me,
As if someone has locked me in the room and thrown away the key.
A small sliver of moonlight descends upon the floor,
Eerie shadows are cast upon the door.
I am helpless, there is no thing I can do,
The shadows have come to devour me and soon they will come for you too.
I try to escape, try to get away,
But I am not in control of my body, it is not giving way.
I make one last feeble attempt, try to reach my light switch,
But the shadows are closing in on me, like water seeping into a ditch.
I try to scream, but the shadows enter my mouth, into my throat,
They paint me inside out in a thick black coat.
They won't cease their vicious onslaught,
This is my fate, it cannot be fought.
So I clear my mind and try to keep my thoughts at bay,
For this is my final day.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,439 Literary Works • 674,449 Reviews
The flow/structure needs work. I like a lot of your word choice though.
Nikiller -
This fails for several reasons.
1. An overabundance of first-person references, much in the form of a diary entry.
2. Arbitrary linebreaks with an erratic rhyme-scheme.
3. Over-modified, purple imagery notable only for its ability to induce nausea.
Reading some decent poetry might help you a little, but what this shows me is that you need more than just a good reading regiment: you need structure and form, and these things you must read about, take note of while reading other poets, and practice in your own writing.
Junk this.
Best,
Brad