E - Everyone

Echos (Prologue)

Tuesday

The moon is waning. It’s nothing but a sliver up in the sky. It makes everything look incomplete, unfinished, wrong. I don’t like it. They’re too active in the dark. More and more of these creatures are coming out of the woodwork, and no one else seems to care. Is it because they can’t see them? Or do they just pretend that it’s not happening? I wonder if people realize just what goes on in the dark.

I saw them seven times today, in different places. Tragedy always followed. The amount of times I’ve seen them has been going up recently. I don’t like it. Before, I only had to worry about seeing them in my dreams, now they’re everywhere in little glimpses. I counted eight Mississippi’s before the images of them faded.

How much longer is this going to last? Something bad is going to happen. They’re preparing for something. A war. They’re preparing for a war. I don’t know who they’re planning to fight, but I don’t like the look of it. It gives me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. If this war is directed at us, we stand no chance against them. Of this, I am certain. But how can you fight a war against things no one else can see?

She looked up from her journal at the dark sky. The silver moon twinkled amongst the stars, leering down at the Earth and its doomed creatures. There wasn’t enough light to fight off the darkness, let alone the creatures that came with it. Morning was just around the corner. In an hour or two, the sun would shine brightly, but the moon would still be there, slowly fading as the morning came to a close. She was looking forward to it.

A beam of silver light danced through the green grass across the street. She watched with a growing fear. A figure stood in the circle the moonlight cast on the ground. They were looking up at the house before it. Their back to her. She couldn’t make out just who, or what, was standing there, but she felt threatened.

… One Mississippi…

The figure moved and the black cloak it wore, fluttered around their ankles. It touched the ground. It skimmed right over it. Yet it barely moved the tip of the tallest blade of grass.

Two Mississippi…

They took one step closer to the house, their hand outstretched, their palm facing the door. Wave upon wave of dark tendrils snaked out of their palm. Leisurely, they cut through the air toward the house across the street.

… Three Mississippi…

A cold chill snaked up her spine and closed in around her throat. She couldn’t breathe.

… Four Mississippi…

Whatever it was, it slipped through the walls unnoticed, and entered one of the many rooms. It was an old house. A house with wide windows and steep gables. It looked helpless in the darkness with those moving shadows coming closer.

… Five Mississippi…

Those shadows wound their way around the house, encasing it in a dark mist. Her heart raced and terror made her limbs shake.

… Six Mississippi…

She wanted to look away, to scream. She wanted to wake up, because surely this all had to be a dream. But she couldn’t move from where she sat, transfixed by the figure and its darkness. For a few moments nothing happened.

… Seven Mississippi…

… Eight Mississippi…

She heard a single gasp. A soft scream. A slight, tearing sound. And then nothing.

… Nine Mississippi…

She heard nothing as the dark tendrils retreated from the house and back to their master. But as the shadows retreated, clutched in a sphere of black, was a simple white light. It flickered in a cage of darkness, trying to get free. But it did not get free.

... Ten Mississippi…

It looked so feeble and so pitiful. She couldn’t look away. Now the house looked haunted, dead. It peered down at the road with empty eyes. She felt so alone.

… Eleven Mississippi…

The darkness was gone, retreated into the figure bathed in silver moonlight. Once again, the figure moved. But this time, it was to turn around. A black hood hid their face from sight. But she could feel their eyes on her face.

… Twelve Mississippi…

Gone. The figure was gone as if it hadn’t ever been there. The pool of moonlight still danced through the green grass across the street. But no one stood in the silver circle of light. The blades of grass shuddered against a breeze.

No one had been there. But without a doubt she knew, that whoever lived in that house, was gone now. Gone forever. Lost to that darkness that had surrounded their house. Lost to that figure cloaked in the night. The figure that was no longer there. She had seen a murder. A murder that didn’t exist.

I saw one. They stood in a patch of moonlight for twelve seconds. And in that time, they took a life from the house across the street. I saw one. And this time… I think they saw me too.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
TimmyJake
Review

Timmyjake here to give you a short review!

First of all, this prologue is awesome! So descript and brilliantly told! Its almost like I can see the whole seen play itself out before my eyes. In one word, awesome.

Gone. The figure was gone as if it hadn’t ever been there. The pool of moonlight still danced through the green grass across the street. But no one stood in the silver circle of light. The blades of grass shuddered against a breeze.

That paragraph doesn't really fit the ones before it. How did he leave? One minute he was there and the next he wasn't, true. But just saying "gone" doesn't do it justice, I think.
And one more thing I noticed. The counting she does adds some suspense to the book, but what isn't said is the REASON why she is counting. Perhaps throw that in?

All in all, I think it is a terrific beginning to your story. When you get your first chapter written, post it! I want to read it, too.

User avatar
Deifyance
Review

Hello! My name is Deifyance and I'll be doing a brief review for you!

First off, this is a great prologue. I don't usually like prologues, but I felt this one was very well laid out and it accomplished it's goal of hooking the reader. Good use of cliffhangers.

I liked the beginning narration. It flowed well and it read easily, without feeling too fake. I was a little confused as to why she was writing in the journal but I suspect we will shortly find out. You have a lot of un answered questions, with a solid start of something that could be phenomenal. I recommend taking some time to think of some set-ups and pay-off that will further increase the suspense, and keep the reader hooked chapter after chapter. I loved the tone of the piece, it is consistent and I expect the other chapters to at least have the same style, if not the same tone.

I would have liked a little more (just a tid bit) of detail about the girl. Don't give too much, let us do some of the work. But, at least give us a general age, maybe a hint as to who she is. A good example might be her remembering when a part of her family was attacked. or something along those lines, to give us some idea of the character. It's characters that people fall in love with, not plots.

A beam of silver light danced through the green grass across the street. She watched with a growing fear. A figure stood in the circle the moonlight cast on the ground. They were looking up at the house before it. Their back to her. She couldn’t make out just who, or what, was standing there, but she felt threatened.


This had me a little confused. I didn't understand "the figure stood in the circle the moonlight cast on the ground." What was causing the circle shadow? It pulled me out, because I wasn't able to imagine this in my head, and I just had to accept it and move on.

Is it just one person? or many? Because you keep referring to the 'one person' as their. That confused me as well.

I'm excited to see where this goes! If you would like a review as soon as you expand on this, feel free to send me a PM!

Blessings!

User avatar
Ventomology
Review

How suspenseful! That's a great way to attract readers, so I applaud you.
I found it a little distracting how you use 'they' to describe the shadow rather than 'it', is that important, or just your style?
You have lots of detail, which is super awesome, but sometimes a phrase gets repeated one too many times. Just be sure to watch out for that.
You did a super awesome job with mood, something I have trouble with, and even though it's still suspenseful at the end, the piece is still conclusive. I noticed that not everyone can pull off a clean chapter ending, so that's really cool!
I think this is one of the best pieces I've reviewed so far (granted I've only done 6). Keep it up!

User avatar
anabelsinclair
Comment

I liked the dark tone of this work; the feeling of helplessness and despair evoked by both the character, and the description of the setting.



We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer